my
carpets were ruined, my apartment smelled like a three-day luau,
and we were madly in love.
We're still together, although things have
changed somewhat. I now have a slight attraction to cooking smells
(meaning I get hard as a rock if I smell meat cooking or even hear
it sizzling, causing me no end of problems when I go to Outback),
and she's calmed down considerably. Apparently one wild night of
overindulgence helped after all, and while she appreciates what we
did, she has returned to her vegetarian ways.
She's not a strict vegan, mind you. She'll
still masturbate with fish or dairy products.
-------------------------
How to Bag a
Supermodel
I know what you want. You want to date a
classy lady, someone with manners and couth, a woman who gets out
of the shower to pee. You want someone to be seen with that'll make
the other guys want to lick your arm. You want to date a
supermodel.
I can help you. Just follow these simple
tips and you'll have them falling over you, and not just from
anorexia.
Don't tell her she's
pretty. She knows that, idjit. She gets
paid for her appearance, and hundreds of people tell her every day
how perfect she is. Not only is it unoriginal, it's also the only
thing about herself over which she has no real control -
supermodels are very aware that they make a living from being
genetic flukes. Compliment her on her attire, her bearing, her
jokes, her witty conversation, her amazing capacity for stimulants.
Even better, point out her imperfections. She'll eat it up, and
she'll know you can see beyond the beauty to the real her. Make
sure you mention every enlarged pore, every pimple, each
inappropriate hair, any dangling nasal mucous, the growing bags
under her eyes.
“Hey gorgeous, getting a little spread back
there?” She'll swoon.
Be ugly and
talented. Seriously. Look at the history:
Paulina Porizkova and Ric Ocasek, Christie Brinkley and Billy Joel,
Heather Thomas and Tommy Lee, Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee, Pamela
Anderson and Bret Michaels, Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock, Angelina
Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton, Kate Hudson and the straggly guy from
The Black Crowes… Hot chicks dig ugly, talented guys, so get
cracking and start playing. You might not even have to be really
good, I dunno. Has Bret Michaels done anything? I don't really keep
up with these kids. Just tell 'em you play rhythm guitar, then all
you have to be able to do is play a couple chords and consume a
city bus full of liquor in a single sitting.
Be rich and ugly. A slight clarification: be rich and sick and ugly.
I don't think I need to go into this one, if you can't figure it
out on your own then you might as well not bother. If you have
acres of loose wealth, go hang around Anna Nicole Smith and cough a
lot.
Be hung like a bull
moose. There's no other excuse for Tommy
Lee.
Be political. Another way in which former president Bill Clinton
has led the way for all of us. He's been linked to former Miss
America Elizabeth Ward Gracen, former Miss Arkansas Sally Perdue,
former bad singer Gennifer Flowers, and there's rumors he's even
been intimate with New York Senator Hillary Rodham (unsubstantiated
at the time of this article). At least democratic presidents
remember how to
have sex! Lots of senators, congressmen, consultants, diplomats and
appointees have been seen with the glamour world's best and bright…
um, best. Keep in mind that at the grassroots level you'll have to
settle for housewives and the occasional starry-eyed teenage
campaign volunteer, but if politics teaches you nothing else it
will teach you how to compromise.
Be funny. 91% of the Playboy bunnies who wrote their own
data sheets included “sense of humor” in the turn-ons section, as
far as I can remember. Girls like to laugh, and they like people
who can make them laugh because they can relax around that kind of
guy, unless he gets laughs by, say, pulling household objects out
of his nose. A guy that can say just
carpets were ruined, my apartment smelled like a three-day luau,
and we were madly in love.
We're still together, although things have
changed somewhat. I now have a slight attraction to cooking smells
(meaning I get hard as a rock if I smell meat cooking or even hear
it sizzling, causing me no end of problems when I go to Outback),
and she's calmed down considerably. Apparently one wild night of
overindulgence helped after all, and while she appreciates what we
did, she has returned to her vegetarian ways.
She's not a strict vegan, mind you. She'll
still masturbate with fish or dairy products.
-------------------------
How to Bag a
Supermodel
I know what you want. You want to date a
classy lady, someone with manners and couth, a woman who gets out
of the shower to pee. You want someone to be seen with that'll make
the other guys want to lick your arm. You want to date a
supermodel.
I can help you. Just follow these simple
tips and you'll have them falling over you, and not just from
anorexia.
Don't tell her she's
pretty. She knows that, idjit. She gets
paid for her appearance, and hundreds of people tell her every day
how perfect she is. Not only is it unoriginal, it's also the only
thing about herself over which she has no real control -
supermodels are very aware that they make a living from being
genetic flukes. Compliment her on her attire, her bearing, her
jokes, her witty conversation, her amazing capacity for stimulants.
Even better, point out her imperfections. She'll eat it up, and
she'll know you can see beyond the beauty to the real her. Make
sure you mention every enlarged pore, every pimple, each
inappropriate hair, any dangling nasal mucous, the growing bags
under her eyes.
“Hey gorgeous, getting a little spread back
there?” She'll swoon.
Be ugly and
talented. Seriously. Look at the history:
Paulina Porizkova and Ric Ocasek, Christie Brinkley and Billy Joel,
Heather Thomas and Tommy Lee, Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee, Pamela
Anderson and Bret Michaels, Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock, Angelina
Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton, Kate Hudson and the straggly guy from
The Black Crowes… Hot chicks dig ugly, talented guys, so get
cracking and start playing. You might not even have to be really
good, I dunno. Has Bret Michaels done anything? I don't really keep
up with these kids. Just tell 'em you play rhythm guitar, then all
you have to be able to do is play a couple chords and consume a
city bus full of liquor in a single sitting.
Be rich and ugly. A slight clarification: be rich and sick and ugly.
I don't think I need to go into this one, if you can't figure it
out on your own then you might as well not bother. If you have
acres of loose wealth, go hang around Anna Nicole Smith and cough a
lot.
Be hung like a bull
moose. There's no other excuse for Tommy
Lee.
Be political. Another way in which former president Bill Clinton
has led the way for all of us. He's been linked to former Miss
America Elizabeth Ward Gracen, former Miss Arkansas Sally Perdue,
former bad singer Gennifer Flowers, and there's rumors he's even
been intimate with New York Senator Hillary Rodham (unsubstantiated
at the time of this article). At least democratic presidents
remember how to
have sex! Lots of senators, congressmen, consultants, diplomats and
appointees have been seen with the glamour world's best and bright…
um, best. Keep in mind that at the grassroots level you'll have to
settle for housewives and the occasional starry-eyed teenage
campaign volunteer, but if politics teaches you nothing else it
will teach you how to compromise.
Be funny. 91% of the Playboy bunnies who wrote their own
data sheets included “sense of humor” in the turn-ons section, as
far as I can remember. Girls like to laugh, and they like people
who can make them laugh because they can relax around that kind of
guy, unless he gets laughs by, say, pulling household objects out
of his nose. A guy that can say just
Similar Books
