Full Exposure: Opening Up to Sexual Creativity and Erotic Expression by Susie Bright
Authors: Susie Bright
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chakra now revels in its own internal debate over what defines “true” celibacy. Still, the questions they ask themselves seem un-avoidable. Does celibacy include all sex? Or just intercourse? Does it include masturbation? What about sexual thoughts? Is celibacy always in relationship to God, and if so, which one? Who has lived the celibate life who could be a role model?
I realize that few people seriously take a vow of celibacy, and even fewer choose celibacy as a nonsecular lifestyle. Still, their choices intrigue and often impress other people, who think, “Well, I certainly couldn’t give it up, but sometimes I wish I could.” Many people have profound regrets about their sexual knowledge; they feel brought down from their ideal. It’s tempting, then, to imagine a sex-free life where you could live above it all—above the disillusionment, the obsession, and the hunger.
Finding role models and fellow travelers is difficult indeed. Celibates who promote their path do not readily accept people who fling themselves down at the doorstep and beg to be released from the agony of sexual relationships. Devastated by love? Want relief? You may not even get past the veteran celibate’s door. Better that you should wallow in a few Sex and Love Anonymous meetings, where you can begin the twelve steps of confessing that you are “helpless” over your romantic or lustful compulsions.
SLA meetings, as they’re called, became very popular in the 1980s, when the Clean and Sober movement began and the AIDS epidemic exploded simultaneously. I attended one meeting in San Francisco in those years, where each man present talked about fucking too much, and each woman present talked about pining too much. Each individual seemed to find his or her sexual behavior to be their unique disease, without any notice of how peculiar it was that they were divided by gender in their
obsessions: lustful gratification versus romantic love. They were looking for a way to find some serenity, some calm from their libido storm, a chance to have a different kind of relationship with their lovers and to make amends to those they had trampled over in their bed sheets. No one said it out loud, but I felt like the search for monogamy, not God or celibacy, was their Holy Grail.
You don’t have to go to an SLA meeting to find these sentiments. Twelve-step programs and celibacy seekers aside, people simply have so much shame and regret about their desires that they often feel they would be better off feeling nothing at all. Some of my friends have told me they were “taking a break from sex,” which seemed to be their code for saying that they’d been humiliated in sex and wanted out of the game. Others told me they were experimenting with redirecting their fantasies. But rather than being a high-minded effort, their celibacy was actually the result of their shame for fantasizing about anyone or anything other than their partner. Finally, there were those who told me they were trying to get rid of all sex in their lives, including masturbation, because they thought that maybe once you purged it out of your system you wouldn’t care anymore. All of these lovers were miserable because they felt their sexuality didn’t fit the strict description of what a “happy couple” was supposed to feel, the little twins at the top of the cake.
Celibacy purists, by contrast, are not interested in finding wedded bliss. “Celibacy is a freely chosen dynamic state, usually vowed, that involves an honest and sustained attempt to live without direct sexual gratification in order to serve others productively for a spiritual motive,” says one celibacy essayist, Richard Sipe.
Celibates seek their own refinement constantly, and they question their own motivations from the start. If you’re a hurt
little lamb who got roasted in the dating game, dedicated celibates predict you will not last at practicing abstinence. They want you to wipe away your tears and
I realize that few people seriously take a vow of celibacy, and even fewer choose celibacy as a nonsecular lifestyle. Still, their choices intrigue and often impress other people, who think, “Well, I certainly couldn’t give it up, but sometimes I wish I could.” Many people have profound regrets about their sexual knowledge; they feel brought down from their ideal. It’s tempting, then, to imagine a sex-free life where you could live above it all—above the disillusionment, the obsession, and the hunger.
Finding role models and fellow travelers is difficult indeed. Celibates who promote their path do not readily accept people who fling themselves down at the doorstep and beg to be released from the agony of sexual relationships. Devastated by love? Want relief? You may not even get past the veteran celibate’s door. Better that you should wallow in a few Sex and Love Anonymous meetings, where you can begin the twelve steps of confessing that you are “helpless” over your romantic or lustful compulsions.
SLA meetings, as they’re called, became very popular in the 1980s, when the Clean and Sober movement began and the AIDS epidemic exploded simultaneously. I attended one meeting in San Francisco in those years, where each man present talked about fucking too much, and each woman present talked about pining too much. Each individual seemed to find his or her sexual behavior to be their unique disease, without any notice of how peculiar it was that they were divided by gender in their
obsessions: lustful gratification versus romantic love. They were looking for a way to find some serenity, some calm from their libido storm, a chance to have a different kind of relationship with their lovers and to make amends to those they had trampled over in their bed sheets. No one said it out loud, but I felt like the search for monogamy, not God or celibacy, was their Holy Grail.
You don’t have to go to an SLA meeting to find these sentiments. Twelve-step programs and celibacy seekers aside, people simply have so much shame and regret about their desires that they often feel they would be better off feeling nothing at all. Some of my friends have told me they were “taking a break from sex,” which seemed to be their code for saying that they’d been humiliated in sex and wanted out of the game. Others told me they were experimenting with redirecting their fantasies. But rather than being a high-minded effort, their celibacy was actually the result of their shame for fantasizing about anyone or anything other than their partner. Finally, there were those who told me they were trying to get rid of all sex in their lives, including masturbation, because they thought that maybe once you purged it out of your system you wouldn’t care anymore. All of these lovers were miserable because they felt their sexuality didn’t fit the strict description of what a “happy couple” was supposed to feel, the little twins at the top of the cake.
Celibacy purists, by contrast, are not interested in finding wedded bliss. “Celibacy is a freely chosen dynamic state, usually vowed, that involves an honest and sustained attempt to live without direct sexual gratification in order to serve others productively for a spiritual motive,” says one celibacy essayist, Richard Sipe.
Celibates seek their own refinement constantly, and they question their own motivations from the start. If you’re a hurt
little lamb who got roasted in the dating game, dedicated celibates predict you will not last at practicing abstinence. They want you to wipe away your tears and
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