Full Circle by Danielle Steel Page B

cheeks now, but she didn't feel them in the wind, and Sharon didn't say anything to her, “and he took me to Arthur's bedroom instead and everything was gray … gray velvet, gray satin … gray fur … even the rug on the floor was gray,” it was all she could remember, the endless field of gray and her blood on the floor afterwards and Billy's face, and then the accident, she could barely breathe thinking of it, and she pulled at the neck of her shirt as she began to run, sobbing now, as Sharon followed her, keeping close, staying near. She wasn't alone anymore, there was a friend running through the nightmare with her and it was as though she sensed that as she went on, “… and Billy started to slap me and he pushed me down … and everything I did…” she remembered the helplessness again now, the desperation she felt, and suddenly in the night air she screamed and suddenly she stopped, burying her face in her hands, “… and I couldn't do anything to make him stop … I couldn't.…” Her whole body was shaking now as Sharon took her quietly in her arms and held her tight, “… and he raped me … and he left me there with blood all over me … my legs and my face … and then I threw up … and later he followed me all down the road and he made me get in his car and he almost hit this truck,” the words just wouldn't stop now as she cried and Sharon began to cry with her, “and we hit a tree instead and he cut his head and there was blood all over him too and they took us to the hospital and then my mother came.…” And suddenly she stopped again, and with her face ravaged by the memory she had tried to flee for five months, she looked up into Sharon's eyes, “and when I tried to tell her, she wouldn't believe anything I said … she said Billy Durning wouldn't do a thing like that.” The sobs were deep and wracking now, and quietly Sharon held her tight.
    “I believe you, Tan.”
    Tana nodded, looking like a bereft little girl. “I never want anyone to touch me again.”
    She knew exactly how Tana felt, but not for the same reasons as her friend. She hadn't been raped. She had gladly given it, to the boy she loved. “My mother never believed a single word I said. And she never will. The Durnings are gods to her.”
    “All that matters is that you're okay, Tan.” Sharon led her to a tree stump, where they sat down and Sharon offered her a cigarette, and for once Tana took a puff. “And you are okay, you know. A lot more so than you think.” She smiled gently at her friend, deeply moved by her confidence and she wiped the tears from her cheeks as Tana smiled at her.
    “You don't think I'm awful because of that?”
    “That's a dumb thing to ask. It's no reflection on you, Tan.”
    “I don't know … sometimes I think it is … as though I could have stopped him if I tried hard enough.” It felt good just to say the words, just to get them out. They had haunted her for months.
    “Do you really believe that, Tan? Do you really think you could have stopped him? Tell the truth.”
    She thought about it for a long time and then shook her head. “No.”
    “Then don't torture yourself. It happened. It was horrible. Worse than that. It was probably the worst thing that'll ever happen to you in your whole life, but no one will ever do that to you again. And it wasn't really you he touched. He couldn't touch the real you, no matter what, Tan. Just cut it off. Dump the memory. And move on.”
    “That's easy to say,” Tana smiled tiredly, “but not so easily done. How do you forget something like that?”
    “You make yourself. You don't let it destroy you, Tan. That's the only time a guy like that wins. He's sick. You're not. Don't make yourself sick over what he did. As awful as it was, put it out of your mind, and move on.”
    “Oh Sharon…” She sighed and stood up, looking down at her friend. It was a beautiful night. “What makes you so smart, for a kid?”
    Sharon smiled, but her eyes were