From The Ashes (The Knights of Mayhem Book 3) by Brook Greene Page B

burst.
    “You wanna know why I didn’t pull the trigger? You wanna fucking know why?”  He backs me into the fire.  I can feel the heat licking at my calves.
    But not wanting to back down, I stick my chest out and against him, hoping that the contact will calm him. “Yes, tell me why.”
    I watch with bated breath as he chews his words and thinks long and hard before he speaks.  Roman was never a cruel man, but I guess years can change a person into something a most intimate partner thought he never could be.
    “I wanted it Hollis … I wanted it all with you.”  His haunted tone cuts my heart right in two.  “But you couldn’t see it. You wouldn’t slow down enough to let me give it to you.  Hell, you even tried to get my ass all twisted up in the shit you were living.”
    I duck my eyes away, unable to look at him. The shame I feel for trying make a good man conform to my lifestyle is humiliating,  and now that I know his feelings for me were the only reason he tried it guts me.  “I never knew exactly how you felt, Roman.”
    “Oh, don’t give me a shit story. You were a strung-out junkie.”
    Not backing away from his true words, I square myself against him.  “Yes, I was, but you were the one who saw something in me, other than what I was projecting.”  And that faith he had in me was the fuel I needed for the past couple of years to stay clean; all in hopes I could be with him again someday, only clean and sober. I wanted to give him the real me.  “You’ve never known me, other than when I was on all that shit. Give me, the clean me, a chance.  I promise you won’t regret it, and I’ll make everything up to you and your brothers.”  I feel like I’m pleading for my life, and in all actuality, I am.  I can’t see another life, other than the one I want with him now.
    He has yet to look at me and the anticipation of what he’s going to say is killing me.  “Roman?”  I whisper, hoping it will stem the tide of tears threatening to burst free at any minute.
    He takes a breath and settles his big frame back down into the rocker he had been occupying before.  I kneel down between his knees, resting my arms on his thighs, letting the warmth my skin feels at just his jean clad touch filter through my body.  I look up at him, meeting his intense gaze. He’s finally looking at me.  “Please, give us a chance.  I know it’s putting you between me and the rest of your world and I‘m sorry.”  His silence is killing me, but no more than the pained look he has on his face.  “Roman?”  I prompt him again.
    He rests his elbows on his thighs, cradling his face in his hands. The move forces me out from between his legs.  I lean in, taking his face from his hands and hold it with mine.  “Why couldn’t you have been this way six years ago?”
    “I don’t know, but I’m like this now.”
    “Yes you are, and I see in you what I wanted to see then, but…”
    “No, no ‘buts.’” I interrupt him, shaking my head in defiance of his words.  “If there are two people in this world who deserve a happy ending, it should be us.”  He raises his eyebrows at me.  “Okay, but Cowboy and Emily are having their happy right now because of me and in spite of me.”
    His eyes narrow. “I can’t fucking believe you. You are so self-centered.  That had best be the last time I hear you refer to what you did as some epic shit ever again.”
    He stands abruptly, storming over to a cabinet as I chase after him. “Roman, I’m sorry. I just thought …”
    “That’s the thing, Hollis. You don’t ever fucking think.  The next time you have a thought, let it go.”  He turns his attention to the bottle he’s pulled from the old cabinet.  “You want one, because we need to talk about some shit.”
    “Yeah, sure. I think I might have several.” I try and joke with him, but he’s not having any of it.
    “No, you’ll have one, then you and I are going to discuss your trip down