he
whispers.
I wake feeling groggy. “Okay, I suppose. You haven’t told
Anna?” I ask, although I know he hasn’t, or at least I hope he didn’t say
anything.
“No, I haven’t. You need to, though, Alex. You can’t keep
that from her. I don’t know how you’ve kept it from her this long, surely
you’ve been clothes shopping or swimming together and she’s seen you
undressed?”
“No, never,” I answer. “Always managed to avoid anything
like that, dressing rooms, changing rooms… and I used to get out of swimming
altogether, I haven’t swam for over five years. As for holidays, well, Lewis
wouldn’t take us anywhere exotic anyway so I got away with t-shirt and shorts
in the summer.”
He runs his fingers over my chin and looks at me, a slight
smile across those beautiful lips. “You need to tell her, let her see what her
dad’s like. She’s eighteen, no reason to keep this from her any longer.”
I’m horrified to see Anna appear in the doorway. Shit.
“No need to keep what from me?” she grumbles.
I throw myself back into my pillow. “No, not yet.” I’m
furious that Anna has overheard the conversation.
“What, Mum? James, what can’t I know? I’m not a child any
longer, for heaven’s sake, in two months I’ll be living on my own!” she snaps.
“You need to let her know, Alex,” James insists. “Tell.
Her.” It’s that demanding tone again, the way he says things, issues orders, it
compels me to do whatever he’s saying. I don’t know what it is, maybe it’s just
the way he says it, but I just do what he asks.
I look at him, frowning. “Don’t order me to do anything! If
you’re so insistent that my darling Anna knows what a fucking bastard her
father is, you tell her!” I shout, challenging him as tears prick my
eyes again.
“Okay, I will! She needs to know, if only so that she can
protect herself from him, or any other bastard for that matter!” He’s angry,
but not with me, at least I don’t think so, but I know he’s right, Anna needs
to know that some men, thankfully not many, are bad.
“Anna, sweetheart, come here.” He holds his hand out towards
her and gestures for her to walk to the bed. “Roll over, Alex.” I hesitate,
rolling over very slowly.
“You know your mum and dad argued, you said you thought it
started five or six years ago,” he says patiently.
“Yes.” Anna sounds so confused.
“Your mum tells me that it was going on long before that.
But your dad was also violent towards your mum. She has some scars on her back,
scars that will be there for a very long time, maybe never go unless she has
some treatment. You’ve never seen them, have you?” My face is buried in my
pillow but I can guess he’s looking at her.
“No. Show me.” She sounds curious.
James pulls up the back of my t-shirt. I stay on my front in
just white cotton knickers and the t-shirt pulled up around my shoulders. Anna
sees the tiny brand first. “What’s that?” she asks.
“What does it look like?” James mumbles.
“It looks like the letters LD – oh God! Mum, when did that
happen?” She gasps.
I don’t answer.
“And there’s this one.” James pulls my t-shirt higher and
shows Anna the iron scar. It’s much larger, about five inches long and curved,
clearly shaped, like the sole plate of an iron.
“Oh my God!” Anna throws her hands to her mouth and dashes into
my en-suite. We hear her retching, over and over.
He pulls my t-shirt down. I stay with my face buried in my
pillow, crying silently to myself. Inside I feel broken, so ashamed Turning I
drag myself from my bed, “I have to go to Anna.”
I push past James and to the en-suite quickly finding my
darling daughter hunched over the loo. “Oh God Anna, I never wanted you to find
out like this.” I pull her hair back from her face and gently rub her back, “Oh
Anna.”
She flushes the loo and turns towards me, her arms held out
wide. We hug each other, just standing, holding onto
whispers.
I wake feeling groggy. “Okay, I suppose. You haven’t told
Anna?” I ask, although I know he hasn’t, or at least I hope he didn’t say
anything.
“No, I haven’t. You need to, though, Alex. You can’t keep
that from her. I don’t know how you’ve kept it from her this long, surely
you’ve been clothes shopping or swimming together and she’s seen you
undressed?”
“No, never,” I answer. “Always managed to avoid anything
like that, dressing rooms, changing rooms… and I used to get out of swimming
altogether, I haven’t swam for over five years. As for holidays, well, Lewis
wouldn’t take us anywhere exotic anyway so I got away with t-shirt and shorts
in the summer.”
He runs his fingers over my chin and looks at me, a slight
smile across those beautiful lips. “You need to tell her, let her see what her
dad’s like. She’s eighteen, no reason to keep this from her any longer.”
I’m horrified to see Anna appear in the doorway. Shit.
“No need to keep what from me?” she grumbles.
I throw myself back into my pillow. “No, not yet.” I’m
furious that Anna has overheard the conversation.
“What, Mum? James, what can’t I know? I’m not a child any
longer, for heaven’s sake, in two months I’ll be living on my own!” she snaps.
“You need to let her know, Alex,” James insists. “Tell.
Her.” It’s that demanding tone again, the way he says things, issues orders, it
compels me to do whatever he’s saying. I don’t know what it is, maybe it’s just
the way he says it, but I just do what he asks.
I look at him, frowning. “Don’t order me to do anything! If
you’re so insistent that my darling Anna knows what a fucking bastard her
father is, you tell her!” I shout, challenging him as tears prick my
eyes again.
“Okay, I will! She needs to know, if only so that she can
protect herself from him, or any other bastard for that matter!” He’s angry,
but not with me, at least I don’t think so, but I know he’s right, Anna needs
to know that some men, thankfully not many, are bad.
“Anna, sweetheart, come here.” He holds his hand out towards
her and gestures for her to walk to the bed. “Roll over, Alex.” I hesitate,
rolling over very slowly.
“You know your mum and dad argued, you said you thought it
started five or six years ago,” he says patiently.
“Yes.” Anna sounds so confused.
“Your mum tells me that it was going on long before that.
But your dad was also violent towards your mum. She has some scars on her back,
scars that will be there for a very long time, maybe never go unless she has
some treatment. You’ve never seen them, have you?” My face is buried in my
pillow but I can guess he’s looking at her.
“No. Show me.” She sounds curious.
James pulls up the back of my t-shirt. I stay on my front in
just white cotton knickers and the t-shirt pulled up around my shoulders. Anna
sees the tiny brand first. “What’s that?” she asks.
“What does it look like?” James mumbles.
“It looks like the letters LD – oh God! Mum, when did that
happen?” She gasps.
I don’t answer.
“And there’s this one.” James pulls my t-shirt higher and
shows Anna the iron scar. It’s much larger, about five inches long and curved,
clearly shaped, like the sole plate of an iron.
“Oh my God!” Anna throws her hands to her mouth and dashes into
my en-suite. We hear her retching, over and over.
He pulls my t-shirt down. I stay with my face buried in my
pillow, crying silently to myself. Inside I feel broken, so ashamed Turning I
drag myself from my bed, “I have to go to Anna.”
I push past James and to the en-suite quickly finding my
darling daughter hunched over the loo. “Oh God Anna, I never wanted you to find
out like this.” I pull her hair back from her face and gently rub her back, “Oh
Anna.”
She flushes the loo and turns towards me, her arms held out
wide. We hug each other, just standing, holding onto
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