day Ken happened to be knitting something squarish in plain, no bells, no whistles garter stitch. Two women came up out of nowhere and began to fawn over him. They asked him where he had learned to knit and how long he had been knitting. They stood over him like he was a rare bird or a valuable racehorse. They said things like, “That’s terrific,” “Good for you,” and the killer, “You’re just amazing.” I could have taken off all of my clothes and danced on the bench beside him holding only the shawl in progress over my private bits, and they wouldn’t have so much as said “Nice work” while glancing at me.
I know that this is how people behave when we step out of our expected gender roles, but I can’t help but be offended. It’s insulting, and not to me; I don’t mind that they didn’t care about my shawl. It’s insulting to Ken, and to all men. What does it say about our expectations of their gender that when one of them knits, just as we do, we think they are exceptional or remarkable? As Ken points out, they must think him as bright as bricks if they are so impressed that he’s able to manage.
It doesn’t stop with knitting; I’ve noticed that many otherwise bright and astute women have a remarkably low standard for men’s behavior, and they don’t even know it. There’sa woman in our neighborhood who recently gave up full-time work to stay home with her three kids. Daycare wasn’t working out for them, and one of the parents needed to take the hit. She did so, graciously and with aplomb. You would think she would be the toast of the neighborhood. You would think the other women would all be talking about what a great mother she was, to see her kids’ needs and step up and sacrifice like that. You would think that the other mothers would have made her some sort of award. Instead, as they gathered in the park I heard the sainted mother in question and her friends discussing her husband and how he had gone from playing hockey three nights a week down to two, to give her an evening of “help” now that she had the kids full time. They were all talking about how he was the best father ever.
You could have knocked me over with a feather. Don’t get me wrong: I think any parent who makes any sacrifice for his or her child is a good person. I think what he did does make him a really good dad. I just think that we live in a society where because of our low standards, men who give up a night of hockey to care for their own kids are great guys, and women who sacrifice a year or two (or ten) of their careers are simply doing what’s expected of them, and their gift of time to their family isn’t discussed in the park at all. Frankly, that pisses me off.
There are examples everywhere. We hear people refer to men “helping” with the housework as though women bear the primary responsibly for it, or going home to “babysit” their ownchildren. (Tip: If you never get paid, it’s parenting.) Think over how many times in your life you’ve heard a woman say, “I know that some men are like that, but not my Bob. He helps with the housework a lot. He’s terrific.” Then everyone nods and agrees. Bob’s a good guy, and he is. There’s no doubt in my mind that Bob, and a lot of guys like him, would live up to our expectations if we raised them, especially if we did so collectively. There’s only so much we can expect men to do to improve their contributions if we heap praise on them by the boatload every time they do something that we do all the time. We’re the ones who are telling them that it’s enough. We’re the ones telling them that we’re so thrilled that they’re doing this little bit to break down the rules about the domains of women and men that they are impressed and proud about their contributions already.
Ken is not to be blamed for any of this, of course. He’s a lovely man, a fine knitter, and when women fall on him, singing his praises about his ability to do things
I know that this is how people behave when we step out of our expected gender roles, but I can’t help but be offended. It’s insulting, and not to me; I don’t mind that they didn’t care about my shawl. It’s insulting to Ken, and to all men. What does it say about our expectations of their gender that when one of them knits, just as we do, we think they are exceptional or remarkable? As Ken points out, they must think him as bright as bricks if they are so impressed that he’s able to manage.
It doesn’t stop with knitting; I’ve noticed that many otherwise bright and astute women have a remarkably low standard for men’s behavior, and they don’t even know it. There’sa woman in our neighborhood who recently gave up full-time work to stay home with her three kids. Daycare wasn’t working out for them, and one of the parents needed to take the hit. She did so, graciously and with aplomb. You would think she would be the toast of the neighborhood. You would think the other women would all be talking about what a great mother she was, to see her kids’ needs and step up and sacrifice like that. You would think that the other mothers would have made her some sort of award. Instead, as they gathered in the park I heard the sainted mother in question and her friends discussing her husband and how he had gone from playing hockey three nights a week down to two, to give her an evening of “help” now that she had the kids full time. They were all talking about how he was the best father ever.
You could have knocked me over with a feather. Don’t get me wrong: I think any parent who makes any sacrifice for his or her child is a good person. I think what he did does make him a really good dad. I just think that we live in a society where because of our low standards, men who give up a night of hockey to care for their own kids are great guys, and women who sacrifice a year or two (or ten) of their careers are simply doing what’s expected of them, and their gift of time to their family isn’t discussed in the park at all. Frankly, that pisses me off.
There are examples everywhere. We hear people refer to men “helping” with the housework as though women bear the primary responsibly for it, or going home to “babysit” their ownchildren. (Tip: If you never get paid, it’s parenting.) Think over how many times in your life you’ve heard a woman say, “I know that some men are like that, but not my Bob. He helps with the housework a lot. He’s terrific.” Then everyone nods and agrees. Bob’s a good guy, and he is. There’s no doubt in my mind that Bob, and a lot of guys like him, would live up to our expectations if we raised them, especially if we did so collectively. There’s only so much we can expect men to do to improve their contributions if we heap praise on them by the boatload every time they do something that we do all the time. We’re the ones who are telling them that it’s enough. We’re the ones telling them that we’re so thrilled that they’re doing this little bit to break down the rules about the domains of women and men that they are impressed and proud about their contributions already.
Ken is not to be blamed for any of this, of course. He’s a lovely man, a fine knitter, and when women fall on him, singing his praises about his ability to do things
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