Freakboy by Kristin Elizabeth Clark

back clasp
    shoved away a rogue memory
    of helping Vanessa get dressed.
    I pulled on a shirt
    looked down,
    saw a feminine
    shape and
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â  I was home.
    My soul
    had found
    a shell.
    Relief from
    the gray sadness
    of what I’m not,
    a rising flood.
    I imagined moving
    through the world
    alive and at home
    in this, my body.
    Physical form
    matching my spirit
    matching me.

But Cinderella Perfection Can’t Last
    The grandfather clock bongs midnight and snapshots of
    freaked Vanessa
    shocked Mother
    raging Claude
    scared Courtney
    etch my brain.
    Pretending gets hard
    remembering that everyone,
    straight or gay,
    would be
    creeped out by this.
    Creeped out by me.
    I peel off my shirt
    shed the bra
    like snakeskin
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â ball it up
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â and stuff it onto
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â the top shelf of
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â  my closet.
    It’s repulsive.
    I’m repulsive.
    If anyone ever saw
    the real me
    they’d know that.

(Angel)
    Because of Frankie
    I tried to stay in the area
    even after leaving Tía Rosa’s.
    Not too close though—
    La Jolla doesn’t roll out the red carpet
    for the homeless,
    but San Diego’s near enough.
    There was a whole bunch of girls.
    Trans like me
    with no place to stay.
    We shared clothes,
    food when we had it,
    tips on safe places to sleep,
    advice on which gas stations
    would let you wash up in their
    bathrooms
    without giving you too much shit.
    Watchin’ out for each other
    and ourselves
    â€™cause no one else was.
    Well, except for
    Renée.
    I’d been on my own for two weeks.
    Hungry, tired.
    She caught me Dumpster diving,
    took me back to her place.
    Let me clean up,
    bought me Taco Bell,
    told me how easy it was
    to make enough to eat,
    buy new clothes,
    makeup,
    hormones.
    All I had to do was … you guessed it.
    Oh—and give her a little cash
    now and then
    if I was gonna do it on her block.

Only Friend I Still Have
    from that time is
    my roommate Denai.
    We don’t talk
    too much about
    what it was like for us
    three years ago.
    But every once in a while
    we’ll be at a table in Starbucks
    or at home on the couch
    and our eyes will meet.
    I see in hers what I
    know is in mine—
    incredible gratitude that
    we’re still here,
    that we got the life
    we’ve got now.
    That so far,
    we’ve escaped
    the
    ugly
    the
    fatal
    statistic.
    Praise be to God.

(BRENDAN)
    Tonight the House Is Quiet.
    That word is loud.
    Back against headboard
    laptop on knees,
    I “research”
    bathed in
    the dim light of
    of my computer.
    It’s hard to see me
    in snatches of statistics,
    old words, new phrases
    gnaw at my skull.
    â€œGender dysphoria” churns my stomach
    with its science-fiction sound
    and what does it mean
    that I love Vanessa
    mind soul body?
    â€œGender identity”
    and
    â€œgender attraction”—
    two different things.
    I snap the screen closed.
    Not being gay doesn’t make me not trans.

No Hope in Hell of Normal
    If someone asked,
    would I have
    enough humor
    left in me to say,
    â€œI think I’m a lesbian”?
    Vanessa used
    to say
    I was
    a funny guy.
    I think she’s right,
    but it’s easier to laugh
    when you’re not
    terrified.

A Simple Solution
    And for the next few days
    I just fake a sore throat.
    It’s better that way.
    Better to lean back
    in the desk chair
    playing Warcraft.
    I’ve signed on
    with the Horde.
    Built my Blood Elf avatar.
    No more “research.”
    My shame stays in the closet and
    I’ve found a way
    to escape from me.
    Virtual me has long legs,
    blue hair,
    a killer body.
    It’s as close as I can get
    to being a girl.
    I’m Larissa.
    I’m Larissa and
    I kick ass and
    I can lose myself
    in the anonymous world
    of