after them better.’
‘Not this time,’ I say. It worries me, though, this talk of who will get the children.
‘Are you going to get a divorce, then?’
‘He wants to,’ she says. ‘He says it’d be better for everyone, a clean break.’
‘Gosh,’ I say. Gosh seems to have become my new favourite word in my self-imposed swearing embargo. Golly! Jeeps! Crikey! ‘That seems so final.’
Isabel laughs unconvincingly. ‘I think that’s the idea.’
So that’s it. Just like that all hope for the future is lost. I’m not so pessimistic that I think Alex asking for a divorce is going to mean that Lorna is in my social life forever. I have no doubt that he’ll get bored soon enough, once he’s made his point, but it’s definitely the end of an era. The end of ‘life as we know it’. Alex and Isabel are finished and there’s no going back. Deep down – well, not even that deep, to be really honest – I was sure that Alex would come to his senses and go home. It just never really occurred to me that he wouldn’t. And I think that Isabel thought it too. Rebecca and Daniel, Alex and Isabel, that’s just how it is.
I’m feeling depressed by the time I get home.
‘Alex is going to ask Isabel for a divorce,’ I say to Dan, thinking he might understand.
‘I had a feeling he would,’ he says. ‘I suppose it makes sense. A clean break.’
‘That’s what she said. Aren’t you sad about it, though?’ I ask accusingly.
‘Of course,’ he says, putting an arm round my shoulders. ‘But things have to change.’
‘I don’t see why,’ I say.
‘Because that’s how life is. It doesn’t matter if you don’t like it.’
‘Not everything. Not us,’ I say, feeling suddenly needy.
‘No stupid,’ he laughs. ‘Not us.’
Oh God. Any minute now I’m going to start asking him if he still loves me and making him promise he’ll never leave me. I get a grip quickly. There’s nothing more guaranteed to frighten even the most loyal partner off than asking for reassurance that they’re not going anywhere.
It’s like he can sense my insecurity (which hardly makes him telepathic; it’s oozing out of me, all over the nice smoked-oak floor) and, being Dan, he adds, ‘You’re stuck with me, I’m afraid,’ so that I don’t have to ’fess up what a pitiful wimp I am.
‘I know,’ I say, a well-rehearsed routine. ‘If only we hadn’t had the kids, I could still be young, free and single.’
‘Well, free and single at any rate,’ he says, and we laugh like we always do, safe in the knowledge that everything’s OK in our little world.
Dan never suffers from insecurities. Or, if he does, he keeps them to himself. He knows that I love him and that’s good enough. He doesn’t need me to keep reassuring him that I haven’t changed my mind. He’ll take it as read that it’s still true until I tell him it isn’t. I envy him his certainty.
11
Lorna is on a mission to find new clients. To justify her position as AN AGENT! She comes in a few more minutes late every day, rolling her eyes and waiting for me to ask what she was up to the night before that made her late getting up this morning. In the spirit of trying to pretend I’m being supportive I oblige for a few days and I listen to her breathless descriptions of the amazing new acting or writing talent she has unearthed. Nothing much ever seems to come of it. It usually turns out that her discoveries have already been discovered by somebody else months ago and they already have representation, but she still makes sure we all know about her dedication and her commitment to the cause. After a couple of weeks she does find an actress fresh out of drama school who seems to have some promise and a young would-be TV writer who has written, as she says, ‘a lovely short film,’ and she signs them up proudly and sets about making them superstars. At great expense she has cards made that say ‘Lorna Whittaker. Artist and Writer representation.
‘Not this time,’ I say. It worries me, though, this talk of who will get the children.
‘Are you going to get a divorce, then?’
‘He wants to,’ she says. ‘He says it’d be better for everyone, a clean break.’
‘Gosh,’ I say. Gosh seems to have become my new favourite word in my self-imposed swearing embargo. Golly! Jeeps! Crikey! ‘That seems so final.’
Isabel laughs unconvincingly. ‘I think that’s the idea.’
So that’s it. Just like that all hope for the future is lost. I’m not so pessimistic that I think Alex asking for a divorce is going to mean that Lorna is in my social life forever. I have no doubt that he’ll get bored soon enough, once he’s made his point, but it’s definitely the end of an era. The end of ‘life as we know it’. Alex and Isabel are finished and there’s no going back. Deep down – well, not even that deep, to be really honest – I was sure that Alex would come to his senses and go home. It just never really occurred to me that he wouldn’t. And I think that Isabel thought it too. Rebecca and Daniel, Alex and Isabel, that’s just how it is.
I’m feeling depressed by the time I get home.
‘Alex is going to ask Isabel for a divorce,’ I say to Dan, thinking he might understand.
‘I had a feeling he would,’ he says. ‘I suppose it makes sense. A clean break.’
‘That’s what she said. Aren’t you sad about it, though?’ I ask accusingly.
‘Of course,’ he says, putting an arm round my shoulders. ‘But things have to change.’
‘I don’t see why,’ I say.
‘Because that’s how life is. It doesn’t matter if you don’t like it.’
‘Not everything. Not us,’ I say, feeling suddenly needy.
‘No stupid,’ he laughs. ‘Not us.’
Oh God. Any minute now I’m going to start asking him if he still loves me and making him promise he’ll never leave me. I get a grip quickly. There’s nothing more guaranteed to frighten even the most loyal partner off than asking for reassurance that they’re not going anywhere.
It’s like he can sense my insecurity (which hardly makes him telepathic; it’s oozing out of me, all over the nice smoked-oak floor) and, being Dan, he adds, ‘You’re stuck with me, I’m afraid,’ so that I don’t have to ’fess up what a pitiful wimp I am.
‘I know,’ I say, a well-rehearsed routine. ‘If only we hadn’t had the kids, I could still be young, free and single.’
‘Well, free and single at any rate,’ he says, and we laugh like we always do, safe in the knowledge that everything’s OK in our little world.
Dan never suffers from insecurities. Or, if he does, he keeps them to himself. He knows that I love him and that’s good enough. He doesn’t need me to keep reassuring him that I haven’t changed my mind. He’ll take it as read that it’s still true until I tell him it isn’t. I envy him his certainty.
11
Lorna is on a mission to find new clients. To justify her position as AN AGENT! She comes in a few more minutes late every day, rolling her eyes and waiting for me to ask what she was up to the night before that made her late getting up this morning. In the spirit of trying to pretend I’m being supportive I oblige for a few days and I listen to her breathless descriptions of the amazing new acting or writing talent she has unearthed. Nothing much ever seems to come of it. It usually turns out that her discoveries have already been discovered by somebody else months ago and they already have representation, but she still makes sure we all know about her dedication and her commitment to the cause. After a couple of weeks she does find an actress fresh out of drama school who seems to have some promise and a young would-be TV writer who has written, as she says, ‘a lovely short film,’ and she signs them up proudly and sets about making them superstars. At great expense she has cards made that say ‘Lorna Whittaker. Artist and Writer representation.
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