if you’ve lost your mind. Give me the heads-up before he arrives. What’s his name? Have we met before?”
The only boyfriend of mine my father has met has been Duncan. It was Sabrina who brought another boy home every other week.
“Oh, you know his name well, and, yes, you actually have met before.” My skin prickles, my heart does its best to crawl right out of my throat and take a peek at what all the fuss is about out here.
Here it is, the moment of our redneck reckoning. “Mom, Dad”—it takes balls to do what I’m about to, and if this entire experience has taught me anything, it’s how to grow a pair—“I’m in love with my soon-to-be stepbrother.”
The two of them sit blank-faced, blinking quietly while looking from Rex to me.
Dad is the first to clear his throat. “We’re thrilled the two of you have such an affectionate fondness for one another. But perhaps you should stop holding hands.” He shakes his head and slits his throat with his finger.
The waitress pops by and lands four glasses of water onto the table.
“One more thing!” Dad catches her before she takes off. “We’ll need two extra seats.”
“Will do!” she bleats before taking off.
“No can do.” I look to Rex, perplexed at how wrong this is going so fast. “Do something,” I hiss.
“We won’t be needing those extra seats.” Rex looks straight into my father’s eyes with a hint of laughter buried in each. “ I am your daughter’s date for the evening—for every evening. Scarlett and I are madly, deeply, oh so foolishly in love— sexual love.” Oh, wow, that was good and yet slightly uncalled for. I run my knee approvingly over his. Props for kicking it up a sexual notch. “This is serious, and it’s only getting worse.”
Okay, slight deduction for making it sound like an infectious disease.
Both Lynette and Dad gasp in horror. Their eyes jet out from their skulls like softballs.
Bingo! I give Rex’s hand a squeeze of approval.
My poor father’s eyes have rounded out with a look of sheer agony. Lynette’s mouth has squared off in some rendition of a silent scream. For all practical purposes, it’s mission accomplished, and here we’ve yet to warm our seats for five solid minutes. I’m a genius if I don’t say so myself.
Lynette leans in hard, her short yellow hair frames her face like a hay-riddled pyramid. “What do you mean you’re in sexual love?”
“You know, doing it .” Rex lays the unnecessary inflection on those last two words, and I kick him under the table, more of a reflex than a punishment—although in this case it’s sort of both. The point has been made. I see no good reason to shovel out my father’s grave.
“ Doing it ?” Dad’s voice hardens as he rises out of his seat with a special brand of rage, and Lynette is quick to pull him back down to Earth.
This is getting good. If I’m really lucky, my father will rip Rex Toberman’s balls off for even thinking of doing it with his daughter, and we’ll be rid of the Tobermans altogether. My stomach jackknifes as if protesting the idea.
“What do you mean by doing it ?” Lynette gags as she says the words. The waitress comes by with the spare chairs, and my father growls until the extraneous staff disbands from our presence.
Rex shrugs. “We’re getting busy beneath the sheets.”
Lynette’s mouth turns into a perfect oval, but my father simply stews. You can see the steam streaming out of his every facial orifice. He’s going to blow to smithereens and take Rex right along with him.
“You mean you’re doing the horizontal mambo?” Lynette presses her hand to her chest, her eyes receding into the back of her head as if she’s about to pass out.
Rex gives a slow, morose nod. “And we dance all night long.”
“Shit!” My father slams his hand over the table. “For crying out loud.”
The waitress comes by again and insists on taking our order.
Lynette orders the special of the day without
The only boyfriend of mine my father has met has been Duncan. It was Sabrina who brought another boy home every other week.
“Oh, you know his name well, and, yes, you actually have met before.” My skin prickles, my heart does its best to crawl right out of my throat and take a peek at what all the fuss is about out here.
Here it is, the moment of our redneck reckoning. “Mom, Dad”—it takes balls to do what I’m about to, and if this entire experience has taught me anything, it’s how to grow a pair—“I’m in love with my soon-to-be stepbrother.”
The two of them sit blank-faced, blinking quietly while looking from Rex to me.
Dad is the first to clear his throat. “We’re thrilled the two of you have such an affectionate fondness for one another. But perhaps you should stop holding hands.” He shakes his head and slits his throat with his finger.
The waitress pops by and lands four glasses of water onto the table.
“One more thing!” Dad catches her before she takes off. “We’ll need two extra seats.”
“Will do!” she bleats before taking off.
“No can do.” I look to Rex, perplexed at how wrong this is going so fast. “Do something,” I hiss.
“We won’t be needing those extra seats.” Rex looks straight into my father’s eyes with a hint of laughter buried in each. “ I am your daughter’s date for the evening—for every evening. Scarlett and I are madly, deeply, oh so foolishly in love— sexual love.” Oh, wow, that was good and yet slightly uncalled for. I run my knee approvingly over his. Props for kicking it up a sexual notch. “This is serious, and it’s only getting worse.”
Okay, slight deduction for making it sound like an infectious disease.
Both Lynette and Dad gasp in horror. Their eyes jet out from their skulls like softballs.
Bingo! I give Rex’s hand a squeeze of approval.
My poor father’s eyes have rounded out with a look of sheer agony. Lynette’s mouth has squared off in some rendition of a silent scream. For all practical purposes, it’s mission accomplished, and here we’ve yet to warm our seats for five solid minutes. I’m a genius if I don’t say so myself.
Lynette leans in hard, her short yellow hair frames her face like a hay-riddled pyramid. “What do you mean you’re in sexual love?”
“You know, doing it .” Rex lays the unnecessary inflection on those last two words, and I kick him under the table, more of a reflex than a punishment—although in this case it’s sort of both. The point has been made. I see no good reason to shovel out my father’s grave.
“ Doing it ?” Dad’s voice hardens as he rises out of his seat with a special brand of rage, and Lynette is quick to pull him back down to Earth.
This is getting good. If I’m really lucky, my father will rip Rex Toberman’s balls off for even thinking of doing it with his daughter, and we’ll be rid of the Tobermans altogether. My stomach jackknifes as if protesting the idea.
“What do you mean by doing it ?” Lynette gags as she says the words. The waitress comes by with the spare chairs, and my father growls until the extraneous staff disbands from our presence.
Rex shrugs. “We’re getting busy beneath the sheets.”
Lynette’s mouth turns into a perfect oval, but my father simply stews. You can see the steam streaming out of his every facial orifice. He’s going to blow to smithereens and take Rex right along with him.
“You mean you’re doing the horizontal mambo?” Lynette presses her hand to her chest, her eyes receding into the back of her head as if she’s about to pass out.
Rex gives a slow, morose nod. “And we dance all night long.”
“Shit!” My father slams his hand over the table. “For crying out loud.”
The waitress comes by again and insists on taking our order.
Lynette orders the special of the day without
Similar Books
