Forbidden Broadway: Behind the Mylar Curtain by Gerard Alessandrini, Michael Portantiere

LONG!
    "Stritch"
    [ELAINE STRITCH enters and sings.]
    ELAINE

    I'll drink to that!
    [Blackout.]
    "The King Is Her"
    [Lights up on fanfare from The King and I. LOUIS
enters, looks out at audience, and speaks.]
    LOUIS
    Mother, Rodgers and Hammerstein would not have
liked this production of The King and /,would they?
Mother!
    [DONNA MURPHY enters, looking like Fosca from
Sondheim's Passion.]
    DONNA
    No, Louis. Rodgers and Hammerstein would not have
liked this production of The King and 1. Not ever!
    LOUIS
    Mother, I think you're frightening when you play Anna
like Fosca from Stephen Sondheim's Passion.
    DONNA
    Yes, Louis, sometimes I frighten myself very much. Very
much indeed.
    LOUIS
    What do you do?
    DONNA

    I whistle!
    LOUIS
    A Richard Rodgers tune?
    DONNA
    Oh, no, Louis. I whistle something much more
complicated ...

    [ANNA grabs LOUIS's face and they badly whistle a
strange melody.!
    BOTH

    DONNA
    Now it's time to meet the new King of Siam: Lou
Diamond Phillips!
    [LOUIS exits. KING LOU enters grandly to music. He is
wearing a King and I tunic and has black hair piled
very high on his head.]
    KING
    What manner of Mrs. An-na is this? This is no Mrs.
Ann-na!
    DONNA
    Oh, forgive me, Your Majesty. I carry residual fear and
anger from playing Fosca in Sondheim's Passion. It's
like catching a strange sickness.
    KING
    Sickness? You! Go away!
    DONNA
    Oh, no, your majesty, please. Let me stay.
    [She throws herself at his feet and grovels. ]
    I beg you. Please!
    [She tugs at his cloak.]
    I need you! I love you! Don't spurn me!
    KING
    You disgust me. Get away! There are no James Lapine
characters in Rodgers and Hammerstein.
    DONNA
    Please, I know I'm pathetic, but please love me. Love
me or I'll die!
    KING
    What is this strange passion you bring to this show?
    DONNA
    It's the subtext, Your Majesty.
    KING
    Subtext? I know nothing of acting. My big movie was La
Bamba.You teach. Teach, teach, teach!
    DONNA

    KING

    DONNA

    KING

    DONNA

    KING

    DONNA

    KING

    BOTH

    [They dance La Bamba. The KING gets lost under her
dress. ]
    DONNA
    Yes, Your Majesty. No, Your Majesty. How low should I
go, Your Majesty?
    [They moan ecstatically. The music stops.]
    Oh, that was good, Your Majesty!
    [The KING hands DONNA a cigarette and takes one
himself They smoke. Blackout.]
    Michael Crawford: "Put On Your
Phony Voice"
    MICHAEL
    [Enters wearing Phantom mask, sing very pretentiously
and slightly sharp. ]

    [He suddenly de-masks and becomes a dumb, insipid
Cornelius Hackl front the movie Hello, Dolly!)

    [Suddenly switches back to Phantom.]

    [Suddenly switches back to Cornelius.]

    [Back to Phantom.]

    [Back to Cornelius.]
    AND YOU'RE SUDDENLY RICH!

    [Back to Phantom.]

    [Back to Cornelius; sings in double time.]

    [Reverts back to Phantom, sings reverentially.]

    [The chandelier falls on his head, and he screams.]

    "Be Depressed"
    LUMIERE
    Mademoiselle Broadway, it is with deepest pride
and greatest pleasure that we give you a glimpse of
the world's most successful musicals. But, my dear
Broadway, they don't come from you anymore. So ...

    ]The BEAST enters.]
    BEAST

    LUMIERE

    BEAST

    LUMIERE

    BEAST

    IMRS. POTTS enters.I
    MRS. POTTS

    BEAST

    MRS. POTTS

    LUMIERE, BEAST, and MRS. POTTS

    ]BELLE enters as MRS. POTTS exits.]
    LUMIERE, BEAST, and BELLE

    [The BEAST retrieves a large Tony Award from the
wings. The Disney characters pose around it and then
turn the center of the award around to reveal a Mickey
Mouse silhouette emblazoned on the center. They point
to it lovingly. Blackout. I
    "Stop Cats!"
    VOICEOVER
    And now, welcome to auditions for the longest-running
show in Broadway history!
    [Music from A Chorus Line. Lights up on auditioning
cats.]
    VOICE-OVER (ZACK)

    Got it? Right. Let's do the whole combination now
facing downstage away from the litter box!
    UI I, five-six-seven-eight!
    CATS

    FEMALE CAT

    CATS

    [In counterpoint.]

    [Music changes to