Was there a need to find the blame and the fault?
“You think I wanted this?” I found my own reaction in anger against my better judgment. “I never wanted any of this. I didn’t want her to go to South Carolina and disappear. I didn’t want her to be gone. Not really gone.”
“Right,” she argued. “You didn’t want her to be gone. You just wanted her to be sitting there, hopeless and waiting. You wanted to be gone when it felt good to be gone. But when Spencer was ready to come back by God Avery needed to be on bended knee begging him to stay.”
Her words were poison. Intended to strike at me with my own mistakes. Sinking deep underneath the surface and taking over what little remained intact. She succeeded.
“Not that it’s any of your business Colby,” I began, anger filling every fiber of my body. “And you will never believe what I say, but this is not what I want. Nothing you think of me is true. I never want her hurting. I never want to create anything in her life that isn’t happy. I shouldn’t have to explain myself to you. After all, who fucking left her alone when she needed you the most?”
“I suppose you destroy her so you can help her, right?” she replied, ignoring what I’d asked.
“You will never understand Colby. You’ve never had to understand. So why don’t you just worry about you and the things you’ve done and leave me to worry about my own shit?”
“I understand players very well,” she insulted. “Games. I know them.”
“Of course you do. You play them,” I spit out without thinking. “You are the God damned queen of games. Stop judging me and the decisions I make. Jesus Christ.”
“I’m not hurting someone over and over Spencer,” she replied, ignoring what I’d said. “You don’t even bother to see what you do to her.”
She managed to get to me. Her angry comments provoked anger. Not her intended goal. She wanted to hurt me. She needed to alleviate her own pain by inflicting mine. The problem was she couldn’t get through the walls I had up. They were there for a reason. To avoid the shit that someone like her could do. Judgment and anger was wasted on me.
Those words, however, they penetrated the walls and sank deep. Avery suffering. It was a thought I didn’t need. She didn’t deserve that. Not from Colby. Not from me. Her stupid little friend was right. I’d hurt her. I’d let her down. I’d bailed on her. Then I’d left her there to cope without even making sure that she was okay.
“You’re right,” I managed the words past the lump in my throat.
“Oh my God!” she laughed, a fake and annoying laugh that I could barely tolerate. “Can you let me record that?”
“So you were right,” I admitted again. “For once. Big deal.”
“So you admit that you hurt her?”
“I’ve never denied that I hurt her Colby. I have never said that I was right. What I don’t admit is that I played games with her. That I set out to destroy her. That I wanted her to be in pain. That is not true. I didn’t do anything with the intention of this being the outcome.”
“So you say,” she turned her head again. “You want to make sure she’s okay, to keep from ruining her life, so you turn her into a goddamned alcoholic?”
“What did you say?” Her words caught my attention. Avery wasn’t an alcoholic. She hadn’t been much of a drinker at all. Why would Colby say that?
“That’s all she does anymore Spencer,” Colby faced me again, blue eyes filled with rage and contempt. “She cries and she drinks.”
No. She was wrong. She was just trying to get to me. Somehow she knew what to say to hurt me. Truly hurt me. She wanted to win the argument. She wanted to make herself feel better. It wasn’t true. It was just Colby’s vindictive personality. Wasn’t it?
Avery was stronger than that. She’d never been a big drinker to begin with. Sure
“You think I wanted this?” I found my own reaction in anger against my better judgment. “I never wanted any of this. I didn’t want her to go to South Carolina and disappear. I didn’t want her to be gone. Not really gone.”
“Right,” she argued. “You didn’t want her to be gone. You just wanted her to be sitting there, hopeless and waiting. You wanted to be gone when it felt good to be gone. But when Spencer was ready to come back by God Avery needed to be on bended knee begging him to stay.”
Her words were poison. Intended to strike at me with my own mistakes. Sinking deep underneath the surface and taking over what little remained intact. She succeeded.
“Not that it’s any of your business Colby,” I began, anger filling every fiber of my body. “And you will never believe what I say, but this is not what I want. Nothing you think of me is true. I never want her hurting. I never want to create anything in her life that isn’t happy. I shouldn’t have to explain myself to you. After all, who fucking left her alone when she needed you the most?”
“I suppose you destroy her so you can help her, right?” she replied, ignoring what I’d asked.
“You will never understand Colby. You’ve never had to understand. So why don’t you just worry about you and the things you’ve done and leave me to worry about my own shit?”
“I understand players very well,” she insulted. “Games. I know them.”
“Of course you do. You play them,” I spit out without thinking. “You are the God damned queen of games. Stop judging me and the decisions I make. Jesus Christ.”
“I’m not hurting someone over and over Spencer,” she replied, ignoring what I’d said. “You don’t even bother to see what you do to her.”
She managed to get to me. Her angry comments provoked anger. Not her intended goal. She wanted to hurt me. She needed to alleviate her own pain by inflicting mine. The problem was she couldn’t get through the walls I had up. They were there for a reason. To avoid the shit that someone like her could do. Judgment and anger was wasted on me.
Those words, however, they penetrated the walls and sank deep. Avery suffering. It was a thought I didn’t need. She didn’t deserve that. Not from Colby. Not from me. Her stupid little friend was right. I’d hurt her. I’d let her down. I’d bailed on her. Then I’d left her there to cope without even making sure that she was okay.
“You’re right,” I managed the words past the lump in my throat.
“Oh my God!” she laughed, a fake and annoying laugh that I could barely tolerate. “Can you let me record that?”
“So you were right,” I admitted again. “For once. Big deal.”
“So you admit that you hurt her?”
“I’ve never denied that I hurt her Colby. I have never said that I was right. What I don’t admit is that I played games with her. That I set out to destroy her. That I wanted her to be in pain. That is not true. I didn’t do anything with the intention of this being the outcome.”
“So you say,” she turned her head again. “You want to make sure she’s okay, to keep from ruining her life, so you turn her into a goddamned alcoholic?”
“What did you say?” Her words caught my attention. Avery wasn’t an alcoholic. She hadn’t been much of a drinker at all. Why would Colby say that?
“That’s all she does anymore Spencer,” Colby faced me again, blue eyes filled with rage and contempt. “She cries and she drinks.”
No. She was wrong. She was just trying to get to me. Somehow she knew what to say to hurt me. Truly hurt me. She wanted to win the argument. She wanted to make herself feel better. It wasn’t true. It was just Colby’s vindictive personality. Wasn’t it?
Avery was stronger than that. She’d never been a big drinker to begin with. Sure
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