better if you’re there….” He looked away and then back, quickly making a mental decision. “I think I rather need you there.”
I never would have guessed that I could make a celebrity more self-assured, but it touched my heart to know he needed me in his own way, that the yearning wasn’t just mine.
“Of course. I’m looking forward to it.”
“Brilliant,” he smiled with pleasure. “How about we row around a bit before we return the boat?”
I nodded complacently and Rhys rowed us in circles around the pond, allowing me to glance at his biceps through my sunglasses. I enjoyed the view of his muscles working to move the boat through the water, and while I was certain he could see me looking, he allowed it, smirking quietly and rowing harder. It was the nicest afternoon and I would’ve stayed there with him forever. My stress fell away as he made me feel burden-less, and most of all, happy.
CHAPTER EIGHT
R hys walked me home, explaining that he would be taking me somewhere different for our last meeting. He insisted that Bruce pick me up and that we’d only be practicing for the first half of the day. After our walk on Tuesday his hug had said so many things. In his embrace, there was tenderness as he accidentally touched my hair against my back. I could feel his breath hitch when I moved my own arm across his back, mimicking his motions. I savored every second, hoping that he was genuine when he said Thursday wouldn’t be the last time I saw him, but I was also terrified, because where could it go after? What would come of this closeness and would I continue allowing it?
Long after Rhys left I thought about who we were together and what we were becoming. I thought about who Aaron and I were and what I’d want for him if our roles were reversed. Hypothetically, I hoped Aaron would have moved on despite his loyalty to me, and knew he’d likely want me to do the same.
But whenever my thoughts went to Rhys, my stomach panged with guilt. It was as if I was constantly cheating on one with the other, even though I wasn’t in a relationship with either of them. My body betrayed me and Aaron every time Rhys was around, and my heart betrayed Rhys whenever I remembered Aaron. I knew he wouldn’t want me alone forever; he’d even mentioned it once years ago. Whenever my bed felt emptiest, I recalled the night we’d watched P.S. I Love You .
Aaron looked over half way through the movie. “Don’t do that,” he said abruptly.
“What?”
“If I’m not around, don’t stay alone because of me.”
“That’s not going to happen.”
“What, you moving on?”
“No, I won’t have to,” I said, so sure of myself. “You’re not going anywhere.”
“You don’t know that,” he said, nudging my arm. “If I’m not around, promise you’ll keep living, okay?”
“Okay!” I said, shoving him off my skin. “Stop being so depressing.”
“I just know how you are, Ellie.”
I leaned up in the bed and kissed him. “I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re stuck with me forever.”
And then he tickled me and said, “Only if I keep you around!”
We started playing roughly and ended up having sex, not finishing the movie that would eventually turn into my life. That memory had stayed vivid amongst others over the years.
A few weeks after he died, in some moment of clarity, I remembered his foreshadowing that night and went crazy. I became obsessed that he’d known something was wrong, that his parents, Max and Julie, had kept some imaginary condition from me to assure their son be loved in life. I’d even tried looking through their medical records when they thought I was in the bathroom. Eventually, after two weeks of tender convincing, I understood and settled down. It was just a fluke. I’d been both lucky and unlucky to love someone with an early end in life.
I glanced at his picture on my desk that night and could still remember the way his big lips felt on mine, the smell of
I never would have guessed that I could make a celebrity more self-assured, but it touched my heart to know he needed me in his own way, that the yearning wasn’t just mine.
“Of course. I’m looking forward to it.”
“Brilliant,” he smiled with pleasure. “How about we row around a bit before we return the boat?”
I nodded complacently and Rhys rowed us in circles around the pond, allowing me to glance at his biceps through my sunglasses. I enjoyed the view of his muscles working to move the boat through the water, and while I was certain he could see me looking, he allowed it, smirking quietly and rowing harder. It was the nicest afternoon and I would’ve stayed there with him forever. My stress fell away as he made me feel burden-less, and most of all, happy.
CHAPTER EIGHT
R hys walked me home, explaining that he would be taking me somewhere different for our last meeting. He insisted that Bruce pick me up and that we’d only be practicing for the first half of the day. After our walk on Tuesday his hug had said so many things. In his embrace, there was tenderness as he accidentally touched my hair against my back. I could feel his breath hitch when I moved my own arm across his back, mimicking his motions. I savored every second, hoping that he was genuine when he said Thursday wouldn’t be the last time I saw him, but I was also terrified, because where could it go after? What would come of this closeness and would I continue allowing it?
Long after Rhys left I thought about who we were together and what we were becoming. I thought about who Aaron and I were and what I’d want for him if our roles were reversed. Hypothetically, I hoped Aaron would have moved on despite his loyalty to me, and knew he’d likely want me to do the same.
But whenever my thoughts went to Rhys, my stomach panged with guilt. It was as if I was constantly cheating on one with the other, even though I wasn’t in a relationship with either of them. My body betrayed me and Aaron every time Rhys was around, and my heart betrayed Rhys whenever I remembered Aaron. I knew he wouldn’t want me alone forever; he’d even mentioned it once years ago. Whenever my bed felt emptiest, I recalled the night we’d watched P.S. I Love You .
Aaron looked over half way through the movie. “Don’t do that,” he said abruptly.
“What?”
“If I’m not around, don’t stay alone because of me.”
“That’s not going to happen.”
“What, you moving on?”
“No, I won’t have to,” I said, so sure of myself. “You’re not going anywhere.”
“You don’t know that,” he said, nudging my arm. “If I’m not around, promise you’ll keep living, okay?”
“Okay!” I said, shoving him off my skin. “Stop being so depressing.”
“I just know how you are, Ellie.”
I leaned up in the bed and kissed him. “I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re stuck with me forever.”
And then he tickled me and said, “Only if I keep you around!”
We started playing roughly and ended up having sex, not finishing the movie that would eventually turn into my life. That memory had stayed vivid amongst others over the years.
A few weeks after he died, in some moment of clarity, I remembered his foreshadowing that night and went crazy. I became obsessed that he’d known something was wrong, that his parents, Max and Julie, had kept some imaginary condition from me to assure their son be loved in life. I’d even tried looking through their medical records when they thought I was in the bathroom. Eventually, after two weeks of tender convincing, I understood and settled down. It was just a fluke. I’d been both lucky and unlucky to love someone with an early end in life.
I glanced at his picture on my desk that night and could still remember the way his big lips felt on mine, the smell of
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