worry, the wonder, the reasons why I lied about all of it and what I’m doing here. It’s like my whole body is convulsing between nausea and weight and heat. I can’t sort it out. And then there’s the joy. The floating and elation and soaring because I’m really, really alive. He hasn’t lost me.
The emotions all fight for his soul, for my soul, and I fear the wrong one will win it.
I try to examine other things while we walk and quiet the emotions-sort them, separate them, and figure out which ones to address-but the answers aren’t easy ones to give. I look around as we walk, examining the mingling dance of the blue and green and black in the horizon. Even in the sunlight and the blue skies, the road is an endless, depressing shade of black. Tucked among the greens, browns, reds, blacks of nature are decrepit buildings, falling apart at the seams, and broken pavement, the color faded and the cement crumbled with age. Blades of grass peek up through tiny cracks, and I’m careful to step around them. To let them live as long as possible.
“We should stop here,” Thorne says. His hand touches my arm, but then, as if he’s remembering I’m something he shouldn’t touch, he moves it away. I can’t pretend it doesn’t hurt.
Thorne plops his bag down on a spot of green grass under a tree and falls down next to it. His feet stretch out, much like an animal getting ready to sleep, and he looks up at me. I cling tighter to the strap on my bag and bite my lip. We’re going to lose precious time.
“Are you opposed to stopping?” he asks, eyes resting on me.
It’s not about the waiting; it’s about the fact that we can’t even have a conversation right now. “We haven’t gone far. If we stop too much, we’ll never make it in time.”
“Where are we going exactly?” he asks.
“There’s a plan,” I say finally. I sit down with him. Not too close, in case he doesn’t want me there, but close enough that he could reach me if he wanted. Normally I would sit next to him, and our legs would dangle near each other, bump together occasionally. Not today. I don’t know where the line is between us today.
Thorne takes a bite out of a big, green apple from his backpack. The crunch of it reverberates in the air, and I can’t help but think how normal it is. How we could be in the Compound right now, him eating a green apple and me sitting beside him. How that life could’ve been mine if I would’ve wished for Thorne and nothing else. If I had never gone digging for information or fought or escaped.
If that hadn’t happened, then we could just live and laugh and share kisses under the stars. He could fish with the boats, and I could step up to serve in my father’s place without complaint. I would know nothing of the lie, have no question about my branding to Thorne, and be content. We could have a family and safety and simplicity. We could be those people who have everything they need, where life seems too simple and easy.
But it did happen.
And now I’ll never be able to wish for a simple life with Thorne and have it be enough. I’ll never be content to live in the Compound, especially not now. That can never be mine. They were transferring him. Even if we went back right now, it wouldn’t change anything. I’d still be a pawn, a tool that the Elders want to use. Thorne would still be separated from me, still be altered. I’d never be free from the uncertainty because them taking him away doesn’t help me understand what feelings are real and what feelings aren’t. It would only make it worse because I’d miss him. I’d never feel complete.
I can’t undo anything. I can’t change what I’ve done, only where we end up. I can find the answers, save myself, save the people I love, and move forward.
That simple life is gone forever. I can’t even wish it undone. I wouldn’t if I could. Not if it means not being out here.
“Neely?” he says again. “Where are we going?”
“What do
The emotions all fight for his soul, for my soul, and I fear the wrong one will win it.
I try to examine other things while we walk and quiet the emotions-sort them, separate them, and figure out which ones to address-but the answers aren’t easy ones to give. I look around as we walk, examining the mingling dance of the blue and green and black in the horizon. Even in the sunlight and the blue skies, the road is an endless, depressing shade of black. Tucked among the greens, browns, reds, blacks of nature are decrepit buildings, falling apart at the seams, and broken pavement, the color faded and the cement crumbled with age. Blades of grass peek up through tiny cracks, and I’m careful to step around them. To let them live as long as possible.
“We should stop here,” Thorne says. His hand touches my arm, but then, as if he’s remembering I’m something he shouldn’t touch, he moves it away. I can’t pretend it doesn’t hurt.
Thorne plops his bag down on a spot of green grass under a tree and falls down next to it. His feet stretch out, much like an animal getting ready to sleep, and he looks up at me. I cling tighter to the strap on my bag and bite my lip. We’re going to lose precious time.
“Are you opposed to stopping?” he asks, eyes resting on me.
It’s not about the waiting; it’s about the fact that we can’t even have a conversation right now. “We haven’t gone far. If we stop too much, we’ll never make it in time.”
“Where are we going exactly?” he asks.
“There’s a plan,” I say finally. I sit down with him. Not too close, in case he doesn’t want me there, but close enough that he could reach me if he wanted. Normally I would sit next to him, and our legs would dangle near each other, bump together occasionally. Not today. I don’t know where the line is between us today.
Thorne takes a bite out of a big, green apple from his backpack. The crunch of it reverberates in the air, and I can’t help but think how normal it is. How we could be in the Compound right now, him eating a green apple and me sitting beside him. How that life could’ve been mine if I would’ve wished for Thorne and nothing else. If I had never gone digging for information or fought or escaped.
If that hadn’t happened, then we could just live and laugh and share kisses under the stars. He could fish with the boats, and I could step up to serve in my father’s place without complaint. I would know nothing of the lie, have no question about my branding to Thorne, and be content. We could have a family and safety and simplicity. We could be those people who have everything they need, where life seems too simple and easy.
But it did happen.
And now I’ll never be able to wish for a simple life with Thorne and have it be enough. I’ll never be content to live in the Compound, especially not now. That can never be mine. They were transferring him. Even if we went back right now, it wouldn’t change anything. I’d still be a pawn, a tool that the Elders want to use. Thorne would still be separated from me, still be altered. I’d never be free from the uncertainty because them taking him away doesn’t help me understand what feelings are real and what feelings aren’t. It would only make it worse because I’d miss him. I’d never feel complete.
I can’t undo anything. I can’t change what I’ve done, only where we end up. I can find the answers, save myself, save the people I love, and move forward.
That simple life is gone forever. I can’t even wish it undone. I wouldn’t if I could. Not if it means not being out here.
“Neely?” he says again. “Where are we going?”
“What do
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