people had several coffins, each in a different beautiful location around Transylvania Waters, where they would go and die just for the weekend.
Valla added the âFlambardâ to his name too, and the two of them became famous television personalities and very, very rich â they owned the company that made the fancy coffins and a chain of five-star funeral parlours. They were the closest thing Transylvania Waters had to yuppies and even owned a set of French red-enamelled cauldrons that they used on the cooking segment of their show. These saucepans were just a few of the things they imported from overseas and sold for a wonderfully huge profit.
Maldegard was put in charge of current affairs, which was a bit ridiculous considering she was the only one of them who had never been outside Transylvania Waters and knew almost nothing of what was out there.
âThis will give her a fresh, unbiased view of the world,â said Winchflat, when everyone suggested that she might not be the best person for the job.
Maldegard was a bit deaf. This had been caused by her two brothers bursting a lot of Lake Tarnish Codfish bladders in her ears as a child. This meant that she sometimes misheard things. Because of this, the daily news on TWTV was unlike other countries where a newsreader sits at a desk and reads the news from a TV screen or a sheet of paper. Instead, Transylvania Waters had newsbleeders. Someone stood in front of a white wall and wrote the news with their own blood. How much news there was each day had nothing to do with what had happened in Transylvania Waters that day. It depended more on how long the newsbleeder could write without fainting. Unlike other countries where the news is usually very boring, the news in Transylvania Waters was one of the most popular programs.
When the mistake was pointed out, everyone agreed that Transylvania Watersâ news program was much more interesting so it stayed that way.
The first broadcast from overseas was a stunning concert by the Belgian Primary School Mass Harmonica Band. 53 This lasted for seven hours while seven hundred children on mouth organ, accompanied by five howling dogs, played the entire ABBA songbook thirteen times.
The Belgian Primary School Mass Harmonica Band opened the floodgates and suddenly everyone in Transylvania Waters wanted to know about the outside world.
âNever in our wildest imaginations,â people said, âdid we imagine the world could hold such wonderful treasures as the harmonica.â
âAnd shoelacesâ¦â
âAnd handkerchiefs!â
âAnd clean handkerchiefs.â
The list was endless. The world had so many,many wonderful things to offer, it was impossible to know where to begin.
âFor all your saucepan, harmonica, shoelace and handkerchief needs,â said Prince Valla Flambard-Flood in the first commercial to be shown on TWTV, âbe sure to visit The Flambard-Flood Shopping Channel.â
Most countries arrive in the modern age from an age where their grandmothers pulled the plough and soap was merely a rumour. Because these countries are usually very short of money, they usually chop down all their trees and they sell them and then dig up the most beautiful bits of the country, which is always where the most precious minerals are, and sell them too. Luckily Transylvania Waters did not have to do this because, as each family had at least one wizard or witch, it only took a few quick spells to turn the familyâs pile of cabbage leaves into a pile of hundred-dollar notes.
The evil King Quatorze had imposed a total ban on anything from the outside world getting intoTransylvania Waters. This was because if everyone knew about the outside world then they would realise just what a rotten King Quatorze was and how much they were all missing out on the good things in life, like baked beans and PlayStations and socks and sticking plasters. 54 What little information had filtered in
Valla added the âFlambardâ to his name too, and the two of them became famous television personalities and very, very rich â they owned the company that made the fancy coffins and a chain of five-star funeral parlours. They were the closest thing Transylvania Waters had to yuppies and even owned a set of French red-enamelled cauldrons that they used on the cooking segment of their show. These saucepans were just a few of the things they imported from overseas and sold for a wonderfully huge profit.
Maldegard was put in charge of current affairs, which was a bit ridiculous considering she was the only one of them who had never been outside Transylvania Waters and knew almost nothing of what was out there.
âThis will give her a fresh, unbiased view of the world,â said Winchflat, when everyone suggested that she might not be the best person for the job.
Maldegard was a bit deaf. This had been caused by her two brothers bursting a lot of Lake Tarnish Codfish bladders in her ears as a child. This meant that she sometimes misheard things. Because of this, the daily news on TWTV was unlike other countries where a newsreader sits at a desk and reads the news from a TV screen or a sheet of paper. Instead, Transylvania Waters had newsbleeders. Someone stood in front of a white wall and wrote the news with their own blood. How much news there was each day had nothing to do with what had happened in Transylvania Waters that day. It depended more on how long the newsbleeder could write without fainting. Unlike other countries where the news is usually very boring, the news in Transylvania Waters was one of the most popular programs.
When the mistake was pointed out, everyone agreed that Transylvania Watersâ news program was much more interesting so it stayed that way.
The first broadcast from overseas was a stunning concert by the Belgian Primary School Mass Harmonica Band. 53 This lasted for seven hours while seven hundred children on mouth organ, accompanied by five howling dogs, played the entire ABBA songbook thirteen times.
The Belgian Primary School Mass Harmonica Band opened the floodgates and suddenly everyone in Transylvania Waters wanted to know about the outside world.
âNever in our wildest imaginations,â people said, âdid we imagine the world could hold such wonderful treasures as the harmonica.â
âAnd shoelacesâ¦â
âAnd handkerchiefs!â
âAnd clean handkerchiefs.â
The list was endless. The world had so many,many wonderful things to offer, it was impossible to know where to begin.
âFor all your saucepan, harmonica, shoelace and handkerchief needs,â said Prince Valla Flambard-Flood in the first commercial to be shown on TWTV, âbe sure to visit The Flambard-Flood Shopping Channel.â
Most countries arrive in the modern age from an age where their grandmothers pulled the plough and soap was merely a rumour. Because these countries are usually very short of money, they usually chop down all their trees and they sell them and then dig up the most beautiful bits of the country, which is always where the most precious minerals are, and sell them too. Luckily Transylvania Waters did not have to do this because, as each family had at least one wizard or witch, it only took a few quick spells to turn the familyâs pile of cabbage leaves into a pile of hundred-dollar notes.
The evil King Quatorze had imposed a total ban on anything from the outside world getting intoTransylvania Waters. This was because if everyone knew about the outside world then they would realise just what a rotten King Quatorze was and how much they were all missing out on the good things in life, like baked beans and PlayStations and socks and sticking plasters. 54 What little information had filtered in
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