months.'
'That's
what I thought,' Jim said. 'So I told Mrs Hooper we want to send him flowers. I
asked her what hospital he's in. She said Good Samaritan on West Sixth.'
Diana
got up from the sofa. 'Good Sam? I can check it out.' She looked at her watch.
'In fact, I have a friend who works the night shift in the ER. I'll call her.'
I
put my arm around Jim and did my best to direct his massive body toward the
front door. 'Dad, it's after midnight, and I've been going since dawn. Thanks
for watching out for Emily and Sarah. Now take Angel and Dennis and the dogs
and go home.'
'No
problem,' he said. 'You tell Marilyn if she doesn't feel safe with those two
kiddy cops out there watching her house, I'll get some teamsters up here. A lot
of them got licenses to carry.'
'Truck
drivers with guns,' I said. 'It doesn't get any more reassuring than that. I'll
tell her.'
I
said good night to Dennis and Angel, and a minute later, the entire Lomax Security
Force piled into the limo.
Terry
came from the kitchen carrying two beers. He offered me one.
'No
thanks. I'm going to bed.'
It
was the first time we'd been alone since Doughboys.
'So
Marisol was spotted pulling out of Nora's driveway around the time of the
murders,' Terry said. 'I guess she was so busy getting the flip house ready,
she forgot all about it.'
'Should
we remind her?' I said.
'Why
bother? She'll just have some lame excuse for being there. She's not going to
say, "Oh, silly me, I did go over to Nora's house this afternoon, and I
shot her and her daughter. It completely slipped my mind." Let's give her
a little more rope and see if she hangs herself.'
Diana
came back in, even more bubbly than when she left. 'I just spoke to my friend
Nina Bernard. She's a nurse at Good Sam. You're going to love this.'
'Oh,
God, I need something good tonight,' I said. 'Lay it on me.'
'Hal
Hooper is a patient. He came into ER this afternoon. Nina read me his entire chart.'
She
was beaming. I was beginning to believe that I might actually enjoy what she
had to say.
'You
realise that telling you what's on a patient's chart is a violation of some
kind of privacy act,' I said.
'That's
the problem with Nina,' Diana said. 'Pretty face, beautiful figure, fantastic
personality, and yet she has this glaring character defect. She will actually
seek out private information about contractors from hell, and pass it on to
those of us who hate them.'
'I'm
sure there's a twelve-step program for that,' I said. 'So, did Mr Hooper really
break his leg?'
'In
six places,' she said.
'And
did he fall off a roof?'
'Two
stories.'
'So
now I don't have a contractor,' I said. 'How is this supposed to bring me joy?'
Her
eyes were dancing now. 'Ask me how he fell off the roof.'
'Consider
it asked.'
'He
shot himself with a nail gun. He screamed in pain and went crashing to the
ground.'
'It
couldn't happen to a bigger asshole,' Terry said.
'I'm
not finished,' Diana said. 'Ask me where he shot the nail.'
'I'd
guess his brain, but he doesn't have one.'
'Go
lower,' she said.
'His
stomach?'
'Lower.'
'His
thigh?' I said.
'Go
higher.'
I
was all smiles myself now. It was too much to hope for. 'His...'
'Yes,
yes, yes,' she screamed. 'Hal Hooper shot himself in the dick with a nail gun
and fell off the roof.'
'There
is a God,' I said. I checked my watch. 'It's too late to call Kemp, but I'll
call him first thing in the morning.'
Kemp
Loekle is a good friend who gave up being a carpenter in LA to pan for gold in
Oregon. He had e-mailed me to let me know that after six months of eating
freeze-dried beef stew, shitting in a spackle can, and sleeping on a cot with a
.44 magnum at his side, he was ready to come back home and start swinging a
hammer.
'Even
if we lose a couple of grand from the advance we gave Hooper, it'll be worth
it,' I said.
'We're
not losing anything,' Diana said. 'Tomorrow morning while you're calling Kemp,
I'll be calling my friend Liz Corrado. She's a lawyer. And if Hooper is
'That's
what I thought,' Jim said. 'So I told Mrs Hooper we want to send him flowers. I
asked her what hospital he's in. She said Good Samaritan on West Sixth.'
Diana
got up from the sofa. 'Good Sam? I can check it out.' She looked at her watch.
'In fact, I have a friend who works the night shift in the ER. I'll call her.'
I
put my arm around Jim and did my best to direct his massive body toward the
front door. 'Dad, it's after midnight, and I've been going since dawn. Thanks
for watching out for Emily and Sarah. Now take Angel and Dennis and the dogs
and go home.'
'No
problem,' he said. 'You tell Marilyn if she doesn't feel safe with those two
kiddy cops out there watching her house, I'll get some teamsters up here. A lot
of them got licenses to carry.'
'Truck
drivers with guns,' I said. 'It doesn't get any more reassuring than that. I'll
tell her.'
I
said good night to Dennis and Angel, and a minute later, the entire Lomax Security
Force piled into the limo.
Terry
came from the kitchen carrying two beers. He offered me one.
'No
thanks. I'm going to bed.'
It
was the first time we'd been alone since Doughboys.
'So
Marisol was spotted pulling out of Nora's driveway around the time of the
murders,' Terry said. 'I guess she was so busy getting the flip house ready,
she forgot all about it.'
'Should
we remind her?' I said.
'Why
bother? She'll just have some lame excuse for being there. She's not going to
say, "Oh, silly me, I did go over to Nora's house this afternoon, and I
shot her and her daughter. It completely slipped my mind." Let's give her
a little more rope and see if she hangs herself.'
Diana
came back in, even more bubbly than when she left. 'I just spoke to my friend
Nina Bernard. She's a nurse at Good Sam. You're going to love this.'
'Oh,
God, I need something good tonight,' I said. 'Lay it on me.'
'Hal
Hooper is a patient. He came into ER this afternoon. Nina read me his entire chart.'
She
was beaming. I was beginning to believe that I might actually enjoy what she
had to say.
'You
realise that telling you what's on a patient's chart is a violation of some
kind of privacy act,' I said.
'That's
the problem with Nina,' Diana said. 'Pretty face, beautiful figure, fantastic
personality, and yet she has this glaring character defect. She will actually
seek out private information about contractors from hell, and pass it on to
those of us who hate them.'
'I'm
sure there's a twelve-step program for that,' I said. 'So, did Mr Hooper really
break his leg?'
'In
six places,' she said.
'And
did he fall off a roof?'
'Two
stories.'
'So
now I don't have a contractor,' I said. 'How is this supposed to bring me joy?'
Her
eyes were dancing now. 'Ask me how he fell off the roof.'
'Consider
it asked.'
'He
shot himself with a nail gun. He screamed in pain and went crashing to the
ground.'
'It
couldn't happen to a bigger asshole,' Terry said.
'I'm
not finished,' Diana said. 'Ask me where he shot the nail.'
'I'd
guess his brain, but he doesn't have one.'
'Go
lower,' she said.
'His
stomach?'
'Lower.'
'His
thigh?' I said.
'Go
higher.'
I
was all smiles myself now. It was too much to hope for. 'His...'
'Yes,
yes, yes,' she screamed. 'Hal Hooper shot himself in the dick with a nail gun
and fell off the roof.'
'There
is a God,' I said. I checked my watch. 'It's too late to call Kemp, but I'll
call him first thing in the morning.'
Kemp
Loekle is a good friend who gave up being a carpenter in LA to pan for gold in
Oregon. He had e-mailed me to let me know that after six months of eating
freeze-dried beef stew, shitting in a spackle can, and sleeping on a cot with a
.44 magnum at his side, he was ready to come back home and start swinging a
hammer.
'Even
if we lose a couple of grand from the advance we gave Hooper, it'll be worth
it,' I said.
'We're
not losing anything,' Diana said. 'Tomorrow morning while you're calling Kemp,
I'll be calling my friend Liz Corrado. She's a lawyer. And if Hooper is
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