Fixed on You by Laurelin Paige

Brian had dealt me with his retraction of financial support. Lauren had
counseled me through many of my family issues and knew probably better than
anyone about the intricacies of the relationship with my brother.
    “Will you be okay without the
help from Brian?” Lauren asked when we were seated outside, each with an iced
coffee. Her subtext said she was talking about more than the money. Stressful
situations led to relapses in mental health disorders, and she wanted to know
if I was stable enough to hold up.
    “Maybe,” I said with a sigh. “I
think so. Brian hasn’t been much help with any of my crap except financially.
And I’ve gotten the money worked out.”
    “You have? That’s great. I’m
sensing a ‘but,’ though.”
    “But there’s a guy.”
    “Mm hmm.” She sat back, her arms
crossed over her chest. “Go on.”
    I paused, not really sure how to
explain my relationship with Hudson, wanting to give details and knowing I
couldn’t. I tried to pinpoint exactly what concerned me and express it as simply
as possible. “We work together. And I can’t stop thinking about him.”
    “Is it David?”
    Thinking about David now seemed
odd. I’d mentioned David before in the group, when we’d started our occasional
make-out sessions. Now he felt distant and in the past though he’d only put a
hold on us two days before. “It’s someone else.”
    Lauren cocked her head. “What
sort of thoughts are you having about him?”
    “Fantasies.” I lowered my face to
hide my blush. “Sexual fantasies.”
    “What else?”
    “That’s it.”
    Lauren shook her head. “You’re
not going to get me to say you’re having problems because you’re thinking kinky
about a hot guy.”
    “But it’s all the time. I mean, I
wake up thinking about him, I go to sleep thinking about him, I’m tending bar
and I’m thinking about him.”
    “But no stalking or calling him
at work or emailing him incessantly?”
    “No.”
    “Only sexual thoughts?”
    “No, I replay things he’s said to
me in my head. I wonder what he’s doing and thinking.”
    “Have you considered you might
just like him?”
    I took a swallow of my coffee. Up
until the night before I had spent a lot of time considering that I didn’t like
Hudson. Except sexually. I always knew my female parts were drawn to him. But
other than that, no, I hadn’t considered it. I couldn’t.
    “Lauren, I can’t like him,” I
groaned. “We…there’s no chance with him.”
    “Are you sure?”
    “Yes. We’ve discussed it.”
    She looked at me curiously. I
searched for something more I could give her. “He doesn’t do romance,” I
conceded.
    “Lots of women get the hots for
men that are unattainable. It’s natural. It doesn’t mean you’re falling
backwards. Stay realistic about the situation. If you feel he’s consuming your
thoughts to the point that it’s affecting your daily routine, then you need to
seek some help.”
    “So would sleeping with him be a
bad idea?” If she said yes, I didn’t know what I’d do. I didn’t think I could
cancel on Hudson. I wanted him too badly.
    “Have you?”
    “Not yet.” 
    Lauren looked at me sternly. “But
you’re planning on it, right? Now, girl, sex with no intention of a relationship
opens up a whole other host of problems that have nothing to do with addiction
but certainly can add to it.”
    “Is it impossible to have
meaningless sex?”
    “I’m sure it’s possible, I just
don’t know very many people who get away with it. And I don’t mean to imply
that you’re not strong enough to deal with it, but, honey, are you?”
    “It might get rid of the
fantasies.”
    “Maybe. It also might make you
latch on.”
    “Not to sound like a slut,
Lauren, but I’ve had quite a few one-night flings in the last few years with no
attachment issues.”
    “Then maybe you’ll be fine. But
your one-night things work because you don’t see the guy every day after.
You’ll still see this guy after,