Five Things I Can't Live Without by Holly Shumas Page B

I’ve only had the one client. That went great, and I figured there were more where she came from, but no one else has panned out. A few people e-mailed me to ask more questions and I wrote them back and then never heard from them again. I never responded to one guy because he seemed to think I was an undercover hooker. When I go home today, I’m going to work on my ad and post it again. Though it’s kind of disheartening. I mean, I’m advertising to help people write their profiles and I can’t net anyone with my own ad.”

    “It’ll just take a little time, that’s all. I mean, you’re good at this. You said your profile for Kathy worked wonders.”

    “She did say that.” I sat up and squared my shoulders. “Right? She actually used the term ‘miracle.’ That’s got to mean something, right?”

    “Of course it means something.”

    “‘Of course’ is what people say when things are most definitely in question.”

    “I don’t. I’m a lawyer. One wrong word can get you sued.” I laughed, and she continued. “You’re just panicking. You made a big change, and now you’re panicking. You just need to stay the course.”

    “I want to, but I’m getting really anxious. I have all this free time now, and I spend most of it wondering why I ever thought this would work out for me. It’s kind of crazy, actually. I turned down my leads for nonprofit jobs, and I can’t go back to them and say I made a mistake. So now I have no leads for real jobs once this fails.”

    “That’s why you’ve got to go all in. Like, in poker. You’ve got to bet everything you’ve got and hope for the best. Often it scares off your opponent and they fold.”

    “First of all, I don’t have an opponent. Secondly, since when do you play poker?”

    “I’ve been watching poker tournaments on TV. They’re oddly fascinating.”

    “I would never have pictured you using your limited free time to watch televised poker.”

    “All single people watch way more TV. You want to hear people talking.” She shrugged and ate the last bite of her sandwich. “But you didn’t exactly answer my question about Dan. You started talking about your career instead.”

    “It wasn’t instead. That’s my answer. I’m stressed and I’m panicking, so it’s hard to be fully happy about anything. And you know how much I love Dan. But I’ve been so on edge, and I’m just so nitpicky. It’s not that stereotypical stuff, where he leaves the toilet seat up or dishes in the sink. It’s meaner than that. It’s like, he says something and I dissect it in my head. I think, ‘How can I spend my life with a man who says that?’ And there was nothing wrong with what he just said! I know that, but I can’t stop thinking that way. So then I get frustrated with myself, and I think how Dan’s the only thing I’ve got going for me right now and I’m going to screw it up. And this just goes around and around. It’s a brutal cycle.”

    Larissa nodded sympathetically. “I’ve got my own set of head games. They sound similar to yours, just in the past tense. Like, if I hadn’t done x, y, and z, Dustin wouldn’t have left me.”

    “Do you think Dan’s going to leave me?” I studied her face attentively.

    “I want to say no, because I’m your friend and because I think Dan really loves you, but my radar is pretty bad when it comes to male behavior. Honestly, reassurance from me is worse than none at all.”

    Dan and I went to one of our favorite restaurants that night, a small Ethiopian place dimly lit throughout by lamps. I’d spent much longer on my hair and makeup than usual, and as we sat on the floor on silken cushions drinking honey wine, Dan ran his finger along my cheekbone in a way that told me my efforts were appreciated.

    Dan never talked much about his work, and I didn’t have any to speak of, so at times, conversation was slow going. I kept smiling at him, determined to keep everything wonderful. I knew that I was