both be in school at the same time
then, but I don’t see how that’s a problem for us getting married.”
“It is a problem.” I paused and
then stared down at my legs. I took a deep breath before plunging ahead. “It’s
a problem because all the schools I’m applying to are on the east coast.”
He looked puzzled. “Well, I could always
go to law school out there...,” he was saying it slowly, studying me, and
judging by the expression on his face I knew he was putting two and two
together. “You don’t want to get married do you?” he said in a flat voice.
“I don’t think I’m ready for a
commitment that big yet.”
“I see. And when were you planning
on telling me about school?”
“Well, I haven’t even applied to
any of the colleges yet. I’m still getting all the paperwork together. I don’t
even know if I’ll get accepted. And then there’s all the tuition I have to
figure out how—”
“Jesus, Kate!” Ben suddenly threw
the covers back and swung his legs down, so he was sitting on the edge of the
bed away from me. “I don’t believe this! Here I am planning on marrying you, so
we can have a life together, and the whole time you’re planning on moving away.
How could you not tell me? How could you be so selfish?”
I didn’t answer at first, taken
aback by his anger. “I’m still in the planning stages and I didn’t want to upset
you. I don’t even know whether it’s going to work out or not.”
“You didn’t want to upset me? What
the hell are you talking about? Oh my God.” There was a horrible expression on
his face as if he’d just been punched in the stomach. “You don’t...love...me.”
He said it slowly, like a fact that had just dawned on him.
“ What? That’s not true!”
Ben put his head down, so his face
was in his hands, shaking his head. I quickly went over and tried to put my
arms around him, but he pushed me away.
“Listen to me,” I said. “I DO love
you. This is crazy. When you told me you’ve never felt like this with anyone
before, it’s the same for me. I’ve never felt like this before either.” I put
my hand on his back, but he shrugged it off again.
“Don’t touch me.”
“Come on, Ben.”
He ignored me and got up from the
bed and started getting dressed, shoving his legs into his pants, pulling on
the same shirt he wore earlier. I felt dizzy as I watched him, that dizziness
you feel when your life is spinning out of control and there’s nothing you can
do to make it stop.
“Please don’t leave,” I said. “I
know I’m not ready to marry you right now, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love
you. Even if I go to school on the east coast I’m sure we can still figure
something out. We can still be together.”
He turned around and I saw that
his eyes were red and angry. “Fuck you,” he said in a strangled voice. “We’re
finished. Do you hear me? This is over between us.”
My mouth opened in shock. “Don’t
say that! How can you say that?”
Ben glared at me and when he spoke
his voice shook. “If you loved me you would try to include me in your life,
Kate. I know we’re not always into the same things, but I want you close to me,
so I try. You never try though. You always keep me separate.”
“That’s not true. I just don’t
want to force you into doing things you don’t like.”
He kept talking as if I hadn’t
spoken. “And here I was worried that you’d think my going to law school would affect
our relationship, when the whole time you were making plans to go away to
school and those plans don’t include me at all!”
“Well, you were making plans to
get married without telling me. You didn’t even ask me to marry you—did you
notice that? You told me we should get married. Don’t you think I deserve
a real proposal? Not some half-tossed comment while we’re lying in bed
together.”
He glared at me. “Would it have
made a difference?”
“What do you mean?”
“If I’d asked you to
then, but I don’t see how that’s a problem for us getting married.”
“It is a problem.” I paused and
then stared down at my legs. I took a deep breath before plunging ahead. “It’s
a problem because all the schools I’m applying to are on the east coast.”
He looked puzzled. “Well, I could always
go to law school out there...,” he was saying it slowly, studying me, and
judging by the expression on his face I knew he was putting two and two
together. “You don’t want to get married do you?” he said in a flat voice.
“I don’t think I’m ready for a
commitment that big yet.”
“I see. And when were you planning
on telling me about school?”
“Well, I haven’t even applied to
any of the colleges yet. I’m still getting all the paperwork together. I don’t
even know if I’ll get accepted. And then there’s all the tuition I have to
figure out how—”
“Jesus, Kate!” Ben suddenly threw
the covers back and swung his legs down, so he was sitting on the edge of the
bed away from me. “I don’t believe this! Here I am planning on marrying you, so
we can have a life together, and the whole time you’re planning on moving away.
How could you not tell me? How could you be so selfish?”
I didn’t answer at first, taken
aback by his anger. “I’m still in the planning stages and I didn’t want to upset
you. I don’t even know whether it’s going to work out or not.”
“You didn’t want to upset me? What
the hell are you talking about? Oh my God.” There was a horrible expression on
his face as if he’d just been punched in the stomach. “You don’t...love...me.”
He said it slowly, like a fact that had just dawned on him.
“ What? That’s not true!”
Ben put his head down, so his face
was in his hands, shaking his head. I quickly went over and tried to put my
arms around him, but he pushed me away.
“Listen to me,” I said. “I DO love
you. This is crazy. When you told me you’ve never felt like this with anyone
before, it’s the same for me. I’ve never felt like this before either.” I put
my hand on his back, but he shrugged it off again.
“Don’t touch me.”
“Come on, Ben.”
He ignored me and got up from the
bed and started getting dressed, shoving his legs into his pants, pulling on
the same shirt he wore earlier. I felt dizzy as I watched him, that dizziness
you feel when your life is spinning out of control and there’s nothing you can
do to make it stop.
“Please don’t leave,” I said. “I
know I’m not ready to marry you right now, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love
you. Even if I go to school on the east coast I’m sure we can still figure
something out. We can still be together.”
He turned around and I saw that
his eyes were red and angry. “Fuck you,” he said in a strangled voice. “We’re
finished. Do you hear me? This is over between us.”
My mouth opened in shock. “Don’t
say that! How can you say that?”
Ben glared at me and when he spoke
his voice shook. “If you loved me you would try to include me in your life,
Kate. I know we’re not always into the same things, but I want you close to me,
so I try. You never try though. You always keep me separate.”
“That’s not true. I just don’t
want to force you into doing things you don’t like.”
He kept talking as if I hadn’t
spoken. “And here I was worried that you’d think my going to law school would affect
our relationship, when the whole time you were making plans to go away to
school and those plans don’t include me at all!”
“Well, you were making plans to
get married without telling me. You didn’t even ask me to marry you—did you
notice that? You told me we should get married. Don’t you think I deserve
a real proposal? Not some half-tossed comment while we’re lying in bed
together.”
He glared at me. “Would it have
made a difference?”
“What do you mean?”
“If I’d asked you to
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