Find Your People: Building Deep Community in a Lonely World by Jennie Allen Page A

spaces in us that we never dreamed could be filled. God is love, and when we choose to cooperate with Him, we get to carry His love to people who are deeply desperate for it.
    But it all starts with being known. I can tell any stranger on the street that I love her, and it will mean absolutely nothing. Why? Because I don’t know her. My words are an empty platitude. But when I say to my son, who just confessed something he did wrong, “I love you!” well, that means everything.
    We have no use for empty platitudes. It’s the “I know you and I love you” that we crave.
    It’s why I love the gospel. It’s the story where God rescues us from hiding. He restores us and tells us that “there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” [2] And because we are restored and have full access to our God, a God who forgives, we have the tools to change the cycle of hiding.
    Jesus said that she who has been forgiven much, loves much. [3] So, too, the things that sent us into hiding are the very tools God redeems to pull us out of hiding and so that, in love, we can go pull other people out of hiding.
    Hurting people hurt others.
    But equally true is that only forgiven people can truly forgive.
    It’s a whole new way to live.
    We have to become friends who call each other out of hiding. “If we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.” [4] We come into the light. We risk transparency. And we create a safe space for others to do the same.
    How to Make Transparency a Way of Life
     
    When you have been in the dark for a long time, stepping into the light can leave you blinking and confused. So I imagine you have a few questions, such as:
    Do I really share everything? Yes. With the right safe, few, vetted people. You really do share everything. But not with everyone. Look back at the circles from chapter 4 and remember that we are working toward an inner circle of three to five people who know it all. Your whole village doesn’t need to know everything. Only those committed to walking with you through your everyday life and deepest struggles qualify here.
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    What if the other person doesn’t reciprocate with candor of her own? Try to find out why your friend doesn’t feel safe being transparent. Ask great questions and keep trying, if this is one of your safe people. A lot of people (like me!) aren’t great at this. They honestly need practice. Don’t give up.
    Do I need to give people permission to do this with me? Yes! You have to have the awkward conversation of saying, “I want you to be one of my people!”
    How do you move past all the shallow conversations? I’ll show you. We talked a little about great conversations in the last chapter, but let’s get even more specific with a little Conversation 101 training.
    Right up front let me say you should expect this to be awkward. Given how superficial our culture has become, there is no way to deepen a friendship without a bit of clumsy give and take. Instead of fearing it or denying it or explaining it away, how about we just own it? If you sense that a person is safe, then try these six steps for having a deep conversation. And remember, don’t take yourself too seriously!
Plan a get-together for when you will be (mostly) uninterrupted and distraction-free.
Prepare your friend that you’d like to have an intentionally deeper conversation than you two normally enjoy. Say, “I really want to share somethings going on in my life right now.” Or, if it’s a small group of people, then say, “Hey, can we talk about what’s really going on in our lives tonight?”
Lead the conversation. Express why you want to go deeper. Share a difficulty in your life. Be as vulnerable as you can because others will only go as deep and vulnerable as you go. When you share honestly, it will often give your people the desire to be honest in return. After