Fifty Shades of Alice Through the Looking Glass by Melinda DuChamp

“It gets me off.”
    “Why?”
    “Can’t really explain why. Are you gonna come up here and start sucking, or what?”
    “But it doesn’t make any sense.”
    Humpty laughed. “If you really expect human sexuality to make sense, you’re more naive than you look, Alice.”
    Alice didn’t like being called naive. In fact, she was working hard to be more knowledgeable.
    “So you’re a,” Alice searched for the term. “Transsexual?”
    “No. I’m a man trapped inside the body of a man. Got a buddy named Earl, she’s a transsexual. Sweetest broad you’d ever meet. And plus size, like me. She just let me borrow this gorgeous Christian Dior pencil skirt, and I’m thinking about moving away and not leaving a forwarding address so I don’t have to give it back. I wish I had his taste. And his hips.”
    Alice still didn’t understand. “Do you have both male and female private parts?”
    “No. Just male. And they aren’t very private. I can whip them out and show you, if you want.”
    How rude. He really was a bad egg. And Alice was still confused.
    “You seem still confused,” Humpty said.
    “I am.” Alice pouted. “My boyfriend—
ex-
boyfriend—I caught him in the bathroom, wearing my panties.”
    “What color were they?”
    “Pink.”
    Humpty laughed, and rubbed his bulge. “Pink is my favorite, next to black and red and yellow and green and blue. Did they have frilly lace on the top?”
    “A bit.”
    “They sound lovely. Your ex-boyfriend has good taste.”
    “I… I thought he was gay.”
    “Could be. Or he could just be a cross-dresser.”
    Alice had heard the word before, but didn’t know quite what it meant. “A what?”
    “A transvestite. A heterosexual man who likes to wear women’s clothing. It’s a fetish. Deriving sexual excitement from an object. In this case, female clothing.”
    “Men who aren’t gay do that?”
    “Climb up on this wall, baby, and I’ll show you how hetero I am.”
    Alice noted that the lump in Humpty’s panties had gotten larger as he stroked himself.
    “I’m afraid I still don’t understand,” Alice said.
    “When you put on a nice dress, and high heels, and make-up, and jewelry, does it make you feel sexy?”
    “Yes,” Alice said.
    “Me too.”
    “And you aren’t gay at all?”
    “No. But I’m willing to pretend I’m gay if you come up here and give me a hummer. In fact, I’ll pretend to be whatever you want. An alien. A dinosaur. Red Foxx. A Denver omelet. You name it.”
    Alice buried her face in her hands. She was beside herself with guilt. All this time, she’d been sure her boyfriend Lewis was gay. But he’d been telling the truth when he said he loved her and found her attractive. He just liked wearing her clothing.
    “Oh dear,” Alice said, ready to cry. “I made a huge mistake.”
    Humpty patted the wall. “Poor thing. Come up here, girl. You can tell me all about it while you’re blowing me.”
    The tears came. “Can’t you see I’m upset?”
    “You know what can stop those tears? Giving me vigorous head.”
    “Can you please stop thinking about oral sex for just five minutes?”
    Humpty laughed. “Ha! Show me a man who can do that!”
    Alice really began to cry now. “Lewis loved me. I thought we’d be married some day. But I dumped him for no reason.”
    “Wow. You’re such a bitch.”
    Alice fell to her knees, her whole body racked with sobs. She had ruined Lewis’s life, and hers, all because she’d let her biases and prejudices override her feelings and common sense.
    “Why don’t you just apologize and win him back?” Humpty asked.
    Alice sniffled, staring up at him. “Could I really do that?”
    “Why not? Don’t you have an open mind now?”
    “I think so.”
    “You’d better. Or else I’m going to write KEEP AN OPEN MIND on a club and beat you over the head with it, like we’ve been doing to the readers.”
    “I’ve got to go back home and talk to Lewis,” Alice said. “Which way do I