Falling by Emma Kavanagh

Tom stopped leaving messages.
    Then the sickness had begun. An uncomfortable rumbling at first. The feeling like she was walking through clouds. And that little blue line that spun her world.
    “Ah.” Maisie watched her. Seemed like she was seeing right through her. “It’s tough then. Tougher when you don’t get the time to figure each other out first. Before the kids.”
    “Yes. I…we, we’ve been trying.”
    “Well, you do, love, don’t you? That’s what we all do. Try. There wouldn’t be a marriage around if it weren’t for people working hard at it. You can’t love them every minute of every day. It is work, a lot of the time.” She peered at Cecilia. “I’ve got a girl. My daughter, Caroline. She would be here. If she could. She’s busy, you see.
    She’d be here otherwise. She said that on the phone. But with the kids, as well. Two little girls. Lovely little girls. Lovely.” Shook her head. “Keep you busy kids do.”
    “Yes.”
    “How old is your little one, pet?”
    “Ben. He’s two.”
    Cecilia hadn’t wanted the baby, couldn’t have the baby; she knew before she knew . How could she have it, when every time she looked at it she would see the other one? And even if she had wanted it, she didn’t deserve it. How could she, after what she had done? And kids pick up on that kind of thing, they knew when you had secrets, and they knew when you weren’t good enough.
    “It’s…Sometimes it’s like I just don’t know how to do it. How to be a mother.” Cecilia could hear the words, said in her own voice, but they came from so far away. Surely wasn’t possible that it could be her. “I want to. Now, I mean. I didn’t, back when I first knew, but now I want to so much. But,” A sound escaped her, more like a sob than anything else. “I just don’t know how to do it.”
    It had all gotten away from her. Once she had told Tom, after that it had happened so fast. And then she couldn’t get out of it, counting down the days on her calendar. Two weeks to make her mind up, one week, three days, then, suddenly it was over, and not making the decision had made the decision and she was going to be a mother. Then she was getting married and moving into a house and getting bigger and bigger, and all the time this feeling was building in her. Horror. Like she wants to jump out of her own skin. Leave her body to this thing that has taken over her life.
    “Oh my,” said Maisie “it’s a tough job. And there are no guide books. And no one can ever prepare you for it.”
    Cecilia had watched her son, had held him, had changed him and fed him. All the while with this feeling nestling in her stomach that he knew. His wide open eyes staring at her, seeing right through the shiny made-up veneer, through to the fractured soul of her. And she knew that he could see it, that she was damaged and broken and that she had already failed one child and so would inevitably fail him as well. So it got easier and easier to hand him to Tom, let his oh so capable father do all the things that she was so afraid of getting wrong.
    “But the thing is, love, you’ve just got to muddle through. And I think some people are just naturally confident at motherhood, they just figure they’ll pick it up. Then there’s the rest of us, and for us it’s scary. But, I tell you, even the most confident ones, they’re just making it up. Same as we do. But for the kids, all that matters is the showing up. The being there, day after day. Even if you aren’t perfect. Kids don’t mind that. What matters to them is that you keep trying, just keep showing up.” Maisie shook her head, then looked past Cecilia towards the door. “I don’t know. It’s a pity. That my Caroline can’t come, I mean. But like I said, she’s busy and what with the girls and all…” Maisie twisted the bedsheets in her hands. “Anyway, I expect it won’t be much longer now.”
    “What won’t?”
    “Well, that they’ll come and tell me that