creeping up the steps I made my way to Jalal’s room not sure what reaction to expect from him. He took things a little harder than Jamir, Jalal wasn’t as forgiving. I was apprehensive towards his response to me being in the house. He never responded to me so in actuality I hadn’t a clue if he realy wanted to be around me.
Growing up Jalal had a very hot and cold type of personality. There were a few times that I caught the cold end of the stick but Jay, being the main disciplinarian, caught it al the time. Jalal could go weeks without speaking to you or being around you as if you never existed. No matter how much you tried to beat it out of him or punish him for his attitude and coldness, he would not break. We learned to just live with it and to accept it as a part of his coping process. Even as a child unlike most kids, Jalal didn’t fight with you one minute and play with you the next. We would tease his brothers about how Ja would shout them out over a game of Connect 4 for a week. What can I say my child could hold a grudge.
My son was sitting on the edge of the bed listening to the radio. Sounds of rapper Jay-z’s first album Reasonable Doubt flowed smoothly out of the radio. The music was reminiscent of Jay in our early 20s. Jay used to play the cd on repeat until I knew every word against my own wil! Jalal was introduced to the music at a young age and loved the classic beats. I knew he must’ve been high because this was lay back and relax kind of music to a blunt. I was stil a little buzzed from the weed I had had earlier and hoped that the lingering smel in the room was fuming from off of him and not me.
Jalal’s strong back was bent over almost as if he was that old Greek statue I saw in art museums as child, he looked like man. A grin took over my face. I knocked on the doorway entrance before I stepped in hoping he would give his approval but he never turned around to acknowledge me. Not sure if a hug was what he wanted, I hesitated to give my son the huge embrace that was warming up inside me.
“Hey Ja! You ready?” My announcement was loud and cheery hoping it would invite him in but it didn’t work.
Jalal’s presence was very cold. He made no movement, eye contact or anything resembling body language. Placing his hands under his chin from the side I could see his face shifted to being stern and in deep thought.
“I’m not going mom.”
Anxious and ready to head to the mal I disregarded everything he was saying and told him to come on, I had lots of money to spend on him and I wasn’t taking no for an answer. The Jalal I knew would’ve jumped up at that answer but this Jalal didn’t care about my words. I wasn’t talking to my little boy anymore I was talking to myself, because I didn’t realize that this was a young man before my eyes.
I stood and waited for a moment as I saw tears form in my son’s eyes. At this point I was just confused because I knew I had done wrong but I was trying to make him feel a little better. I didn’t expect this emotional breakdown today, I wasn’t prepared.
“Kahliyah’s pregnant mom I’m not going away for school, so save your money and put it towards the baby.”
My heart sank into my stomach hearing his words. He struggled to speak because he was fighting back tears. Not wanting to cry but feeling hopeless Jalal repeated the statement. I guess he thought I didn’t hear him and felt the need to say it again. But I heard every word he said. It was a direct stab to the heart knowing that this was something that was out of my control, yet I felt as though there was something that I could’ve done to have controled it from happening. Al those times I caught them having sex in my basement I should’ve banned her from our house. Had it been my daughter it wouldn’t of even had been a question. Instead, I listened to Jay who told me to let him be a man. Trying to hold back my feelings I closed my eyes and tried to put myself in their
Growing up Jalal had a very hot and cold type of personality. There were a few times that I caught the cold end of the stick but Jay, being the main disciplinarian, caught it al the time. Jalal could go weeks without speaking to you or being around you as if you never existed. No matter how much you tried to beat it out of him or punish him for his attitude and coldness, he would not break. We learned to just live with it and to accept it as a part of his coping process. Even as a child unlike most kids, Jalal didn’t fight with you one minute and play with you the next. We would tease his brothers about how Ja would shout them out over a game of Connect 4 for a week. What can I say my child could hold a grudge.
My son was sitting on the edge of the bed listening to the radio. Sounds of rapper Jay-z’s first album Reasonable Doubt flowed smoothly out of the radio. The music was reminiscent of Jay in our early 20s. Jay used to play the cd on repeat until I knew every word against my own wil! Jalal was introduced to the music at a young age and loved the classic beats. I knew he must’ve been high because this was lay back and relax kind of music to a blunt. I was stil a little buzzed from the weed I had had earlier and hoped that the lingering smel in the room was fuming from off of him and not me.
Jalal’s strong back was bent over almost as if he was that old Greek statue I saw in art museums as child, he looked like man. A grin took over my face. I knocked on the doorway entrance before I stepped in hoping he would give his approval but he never turned around to acknowledge me. Not sure if a hug was what he wanted, I hesitated to give my son the huge embrace that was warming up inside me.
“Hey Ja! You ready?” My announcement was loud and cheery hoping it would invite him in but it didn’t work.
Jalal’s presence was very cold. He made no movement, eye contact or anything resembling body language. Placing his hands under his chin from the side I could see his face shifted to being stern and in deep thought.
“I’m not going mom.”
Anxious and ready to head to the mal I disregarded everything he was saying and told him to come on, I had lots of money to spend on him and I wasn’t taking no for an answer. The Jalal I knew would’ve jumped up at that answer but this Jalal didn’t care about my words. I wasn’t talking to my little boy anymore I was talking to myself, because I didn’t realize that this was a young man before my eyes.
I stood and waited for a moment as I saw tears form in my son’s eyes. At this point I was just confused because I knew I had done wrong but I was trying to make him feel a little better. I didn’t expect this emotional breakdown today, I wasn’t prepared.
“Kahliyah’s pregnant mom I’m not going away for school, so save your money and put it towards the baby.”
My heart sank into my stomach hearing his words. He struggled to speak because he was fighting back tears. Not wanting to cry but feeling hopeless Jalal repeated the statement. I guess he thought I didn’t hear him and felt the need to say it again. But I heard every word he said. It was a direct stab to the heart knowing that this was something that was out of my control, yet I felt as though there was something that I could’ve done to have controled it from happening. Al those times I caught them having sex in my basement I should’ve banned her from our house. Had it been my daughter it wouldn’t of even had been a question. Instead, I listened to Jay who told me to let him be a man. Trying to hold back my feelings I closed my eyes and tried to put myself in their
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