you ask Kim."
"Why?
What happened?"
Jordan's body sagged under the weight of what she was saying. "You said some things about
wanting to die. I don't think you ever really meant it, but it was a lot to
deal with. I was afraid for a long time that you might do something."
"Tell
me everything. I need to know."
"Honey,
it's in the past, and in my opinion, that bullshit can stay there. Don't do
this."
I
knew she was trying to protect me, but I needed to fill in the huge blank spots
in my memory. I needed to begin to figure out why my mind was keeping me in the
dark about so much time.
"Jordan, I need to know what my mind's keeping from me. What happened to make me say I
wanted to die?"
"You
told him you loved him. For the first time, you actually weren't afraid to take
that leap. You remember what you were like when we first started school, right?
You were always beautiful and sweet, but you never had the guts to go out on a
limb and tell someone you loved them. It was probably because of how you lost
your mother. And Cal knew that. He knew how much it meant that you were finally
able to open up and say you loved him. And what did he do with that gift? He
ripped it to shreds."
I
did remember being afraid to tell boyfriends how I felt about them. While every
other girl in high school had been dying to tell their boyfriends they loved
them, I dreaded it. It terrified me. They might leave and then where would I
be? I'd never told Cal I loved him.
At
least I didn't remember telling him. Now Jordan was saying that the only time
she knew of me saying I love you to anyone other than Tristan had ended in
disaster. My stomach felt like it was twisting into knots.
She
wrapped her arms around me. "Honey, don't get down about it. Cal was an asshole. He didn't deserve you. He deserved the girl who used him and threw him
away three months later."
I
pushed her away and shook my head. "I need to know what happened. What did
he do?"
"Don't
do this. It's not going to make anything better."
"Jordan, this is part of my life I don't remember. I have to know."
Sighing
heavily, she nodded. "He'd been cheating on you the whole time. We went
out for a drink because you were so happy that you'd finally told him how you
felt and we saw him with some cheap blonde. It was terrible. You confronted him
all in tears, and she was more than happy to tell you how long they'd been
seeing each other. He tried to deny it, but it was no use. The proof was
standing there in front of you basically throwing it in your face."
God,
had I never had any luck with men? Cal had been the one man I'd remembered in
all this as a decent person, and now that was all wrong too.
Jordan smoothed my hair away from my face. Her expression was so sad. "You never meant
that you wanted to die, honey. That was just something you said because you
were feeling down. I know how it feels. It hurts like hell when you care about
someone and they betray you. We've all been through it, and sometimes when
we're feeling our worst, we say things we don't mean."
"I
don't want to die, Jordan. Even when I've felt like I was totally lost these
past few weeks, I never wanted to end it."
"I
think Tristan's a big part of that, Nina. He's a good man. And I swear to you on
a stack of Bibles that he's crazy about you."
"I
know. There's no need to sell him to me. I can see it."
She
looked away from me and said quietly, "I'm worried you won't give him a
chance now."
"Why?"
Turning
to face me, she knitted her brows in concern. "Because of what I told you.
I don't want you to think you're just unlucky with men."
It
was as if Jordan was reading my mind. The only happy memory I'd had concerning
the opposite sex, other than Tristan, was Cal. Now that he had turned out to be
just like every other male I'd ever been with that I could remember, all I
could think of was that I was jinxed in the realm of love.
"Me
unlucky? Look at my life. No worries about luck there," I said with as
much bravado I
"Why?
What happened?"
Jordan's body sagged under the weight of what she was saying. "You said some things about
wanting to die. I don't think you ever really meant it, but it was a lot to
deal with. I was afraid for a long time that you might do something."
"Tell
me everything. I need to know."
"Honey,
it's in the past, and in my opinion, that bullshit can stay there. Don't do
this."
I
knew she was trying to protect me, but I needed to fill in the huge blank spots
in my memory. I needed to begin to figure out why my mind was keeping me in the
dark about so much time.
"Jordan, I need to know what my mind's keeping from me. What happened to make me say I
wanted to die?"
"You
told him you loved him. For the first time, you actually weren't afraid to take
that leap. You remember what you were like when we first started school, right?
You were always beautiful and sweet, but you never had the guts to go out on a
limb and tell someone you loved them. It was probably because of how you lost
your mother. And Cal knew that. He knew how much it meant that you were finally
able to open up and say you loved him. And what did he do with that gift? He
ripped it to shreds."
I
did remember being afraid to tell boyfriends how I felt about them. While every
other girl in high school had been dying to tell their boyfriends they loved
them, I dreaded it. It terrified me. They might leave and then where would I
be? I'd never told Cal I loved him.
At
least I didn't remember telling him. Now Jordan was saying that the only time
she knew of me saying I love you to anyone other than Tristan had ended in
disaster. My stomach felt like it was twisting into knots.
She
wrapped her arms around me. "Honey, don't get down about it. Cal was an asshole. He didn't deserve you. He deserved the girl who used him and threw him
away three months later."
I
pushed her away and shook my head. "I need to know what happened. What did
he do?"
"Don't
do this. It's not going to make anything better."
"Jordan, this is part of my life I don't remember. I have to know."
Sighing
heavily, she nodded. "He'd been cheating on you the whole time. We went
out for a drink because you were so happy that you'd finally told him how you
felt and we saw him with some cheap blonde. It was terrible. You confronted him
all in tears, and she was more than happy to tell you how long they'd been
seeing each other. He tried to deny it, but it was no use. The proof was
standing there in front of you basically throwing it in your face."
God,
had I never had any luck with men? Cal had been the one man I'd remembered in
all this as a decent person, and now that was all wrong too.
Jordan smoothed my hair away from my face. Her expression was so sad. "You never meant
that you wanted to die, honey. That was just something you said because you
were feeling down. I know how it feels. It hurts like hell when you care about
someone and they betray you. We've all been through it, and sometimes when
we're feeling our worst, we say things we don't mean."
"I
don't want to die, Jordan. Even when I've felt like I was totally lost these
past few weeks, I never wanted to end it."
"I
think Tristan's a big part of that, Nina. He's a good man. And I swear to you on
a stack of Bibles that he's crazy about you."
"I
know. There's no need to sell him to me. I can see it."
She
looked away from me and said quietly, "I'm worried you won't give him a
chance now."
"Why?"
Turning
to face me, she knitted her brows in concern. "Because of what I told you.
I don't want you to think you're just unlucky with men."
It
was as if Jordan was reading my mind. The only happy memory I'd had concerning
the opposite sex, other than Tristan, was Cal. Now that he had turned out to be
just like every other male I'd ever been with that I could remember, all I
could think of was that I was jinxed in the realm of love.
"Me
unlucky? Look at my life. No worries about luck there," I said with as
much bravado I
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