face clean with his hands. ‘I never tried to hide the fact from you that I’m bisexual, Paul.’
‘I know, but I could understand if we’d just had a one-night stand or a brief fling but we had something going for four years, Jake.’
‘Paul, I’m not completely straight but I’m not gay either. You knew my eye used to wander sometimes if a pretty girl came in the room.’
‘I tried not to notice.’
‘But you knew it happened. You knew I hadn’t given up on girls.’
‘Yes, but I thought you were happy with me.’
‘I was but I can’t lead a fully gay life, Paul. It’s just not who I am. I couldn’t set up home with you and for the two of us to live together as a couple. I knew that’s what you wanted but I just couldn’t give it to you. I couldn’t cross that line.’
‘But you still needed me when the going was tough.’
‘Because you know me better than anybody.’
‘That’s right, Jake. I know you better than your wife does.’
Jake stood up and walked over to the window. He placed his hands round the back of his head and pulled his elbows forward. He had wanted to get over to see Paul for weeks but hadn’t been able to find the courage. If he could just try and make him understand that hurting him was the last thing in the world he’d ever have wanted to do. But he wasn’t being entirely truthful with himself or Paul. He did love him. He loved him very much. It just wasn’t as easy as that for him. Gay equality was a good thing. The rest of society not batting an eyelid anymore was a good thing. But it didn’t make any difference to men like Jake who still could never have faced their family with it. They were working class and proud and that meant men got married to women and never laughed at the likes of Julian Clary.
‘I don’t regret one minute of the time we spent together, Paul, not one minute. I just couldn’t see a future for me with you. I’d have ended up hurting you sooner or later. Please try and understand that.’
‘I can understand that you can fuck me but you can’t introduce me to your friends, Jake. That’s what I understand.’
‘Paul, I love you, I always will,’ said Jake. ‘I just can’t be with you in the way you need me to.’
‘Well that’ll be a great comfort to me tonight when I’m alone in bed and you’re with Tiffany.’
‘I don’t know what else to say.’
‘Say you love me.’
‘I do love you.’
‘But not enough,’ said Paul. ‘You don’t love me enough to even try sharing your life with me.’
‘I wouldn’t put it like that.’
‘I would.’
‘It’s not as simple as that.’
‘Look Jake, what I can’t understand is why you let me worry all this time? Why couldn’t you have just come and told me it was all over?’
‘Because I was scared of facing you with it,’ Jake admitted. ‘I knew you’d have been able to tempt me into changing my mind’
‘I’d never have done that, Jake. I have some pride and self-respect. I’d never have tried to make you stay if you didn’t want to.’
‘But you’re so much stronger than me, Paul. I’m happy with Tiffany and I’m looking forward to us being a family but…’
‘…You mean she’s pregnant?’
‘Yes,’ said Jake, ‘yes, she’s pregnant.’
Paul paused. It was the ultimate slap in the face. A man could wash another man’s clothes, cook his meals, make sure he was well looked after in the bedroom. But he couldn’t have babies for him. In the battle for a man’s love, that’s where women play their ace card.
‘That picture of you in your desert kit you sent me? It’s in a silver frame by my bed. I used to kiss that photo every night. Some nights I even went to sleep clutching it.’
‘Oh Paul, Jesus, I’m sorry.’
Paul couldn’t take much more of this. ‘What’s happening to your regiment?’
‘Oh, I’ve left the army now,’ said Jake.
‘What? You loved being in the army, Jake. It was your life.’
‘I know but I thought it
‘I know, but I could understand if we’d just had a one-night stand or a brief fling but we had something going for four years, Jake.’
‘Paul, I’m not completely straight but I’m not gay either. You knew my eye used to wander sometimes if a pretty girl came in the room.’
‘I tried not to notice.’
‘But you knew it happened. You knew I hadn’t given up on girls.’
‘Yes, but I thought you were happy with me.’
‘I was but I can’t lead a fully gay life, Paul. It’s just not who I am. I couldn’t set up home with you and for the two of us to live together as a couple. I knew that’s what you wanted but I just couldn’t give it to you. I couldn’t cross that line.’
‘But you still needed me when the going was tough.’
‘Because you know me better than anybody.’
‘That’s right, Jake. I know you better than your wife does.’
Jake stood up and walked over to the window. He placed his hands round the back of his head and pulled his elbows forward. He had wanted to get over to see Paul for weeks but hadn’t been able to find the courage. If he could just try and make him understand that hurting him was the last thing in the world he’d ever have wanted to do. But he wasn’t being entirely truthful with himself or Paul. He did love him. He loved him very much. It just wasn’t as easy as that for him. Gay equality was a good thing. The rest of society not batting an eyelid anymore was a good thing. But it didn’t make any difference to men like Jake who still could never have faced their family with it. They were working class and proud and that meant men got married to women and never laughed at the likes of Julian Clary.
‘I don’t regret one minute of the time we spent together, Paul, not one minute. I just couldn’t see a future for me with you. I’d have ended up hurting you sooner or later. Please try and understand that.’
‘I can understand that you can fuck me but you can’t introduce me to your friends, Jake. That’s what I understand.’
‘Paul, I love you, I always will,’ said Jake. ‘I just can’t be with you in the way you need me to.’
‘Well that’ll be a great comfort to me tonight when I’m alone in bed and you’re with Tiffany.’
‘I don’t know what else to say.’
‘Say you love me.’
‘I do love you.’
‘But not enough,’ said Paul. ‘You don’t love me enough to even try sharing your life with me.’
‘I wouldn’t put it like that.’
‘I would.’
‘It’s not as simple as that.’
‘Look Jake, what I can’t understand is why you let me worry all this time? Why couldn’t you have just come and told me it was all over?’
‘Because I was scared of facing you with it,’ Jake admitted. ‘I knew you’d have been able to tempt me into changing my mind’
‘I’d never have done that, Jake. I have some pride and self-respect. I’d never have tried to make you stay if you didn’t want to.’
‘But you’re so much stronger than me, Paul. I’m happy with Tiffany and I’m looking forward to us being a family but…’
‘…You mean she’s pregnant?’
‘Yes,’ said Jake, ‘yes, she’s pregnant.’
Paul paused. It was the ultimate slap in the face. A man could wash another man’s clothes, cook his meals, make sure he was well looked after in the bedroom. But he couldn’t have babies for him. In the battle for a man’s love, that’s where women play their ace card.
‘That picture of you in your desert kit you sent me? It’s in a silver frame by my bed. I used to kiss that photo every night. Some nights I even went to sleep clutching it.’
‘Oh Paul, Jesus, I’m sorry.’
Paul couldn’t take much more of this. ‘What’s happening to your regiment?’
‘Oh, I’ve left the army now,’ said Jake.
‘What? You loved being in the army, Jake. It was your life.’
‘I know but I thought it
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