blowout, he told me I needed to take some anger management classes. That had pissed me off even more.
But this time, I wanted him to know why I was so mad, and as hard as it was to do, I forced myself to speak. “I just wish you hadn’t gotten into that stupid debate with David,” I said finally, my gaze still fixed on the traffic.
“I was just expressing my opinion,” he said apologetically. “At least I didn’t cuss.”
I turned to look at him. “Yeah, but your opinion wasn’t exactly appropriate.” My words were unintentionally condescending.
He sucked his teeth. “Appropriate? Appropriate for who? You telling me I can’t say what I think?”
“That’s not what I’m saying. You need to think about the setting you’re in and how you might be perceived before you go sounding off like that.”
“How I might be perceived?” he said, practically shouting. “I don’t give a fuck what they think about me.”
I let out a long sigh. “Never mind. You don’t get it.”
Jefferson started gnawing on his lower lip and I could feel the car pick up speed. “If you’re telling me I can’t be who I am, then I guess I don’t get it. What? You’re scared they’re not going to make you a partner or something just because I said I think it’s okay for Indians to be mascots?”
“That’s not what I’m talking about, Jefferson. You need to look at the big picture.”
“The big picture?” Now he
was
shouting. “I have no idea what in the hell you’re talking about.”
“Yeah, I know,” I said sarcastically.
I could feel him seething. “You’re acting just as uppity as them stuck-up people we just left,” he said. “It was just a conversation, Vernetta. A debate. You expect me to back down on my opinion?”
“No, I just wanted you to keep it to yourself.”
“Why?”
I closed my eyes. I wasn’t sure how to explain what I meant. “Because some of the people I work with are jerks,” I finally said. “And they don’t understand how other people view the world.”
“So I’m supposed to act like one of them? This is some bullshit!” He made an unnecessary lane change, cutting off another driver and giving me a momentary scare. “If I can’t say what I think, then don’t be taking me around them weak-ass people. You spend too much time worrying about what other people think of you. You don’t need their validation. They’re going to make you a partner because you’re a good attorney. Not because you’re kissing somebody’s ass.”
“Just forget it, Jefferson.” I didn’t want to talk anymore. But I knew it was too late for that. A lot of women complain about men who won’t communicate. Jefferson loves to talk and when he gets mad, he won’t shut up until he’s said everything he has to say and then some.
“I’ll tell you something else,” he said, looking over at me for far too long before turning back to the highway. “I bet I feel better about myself than everybody at that fuckin’ table. I don’t need six figures or a house that’s too big to even live in or a two-hundred-thousand-dollar Benz to make me feel like a man. When I look at myself in the mirror, I know who the fuck I am. And I don’t have to adjust my opinion to fit anybody else’s bullshit.”
“Do you have to cuss so much?”
“Yep.” This time he smiled. “It helps me reinforce my point. If that dude O’Reilly had taken my side, that punk-ass David wouldn’t have said shit because he ain’t got a damn backbone. That little boy gets up in the morning, licks his finger and holds it out the window to see which way the wind’s blowing and off he goes. You see how red he got? He was embarrassed because somebody with less education was going toe-to-toe with him.”
Jefferson was quiet for just a moment, then started up again. “I like me just the way I am and I ain’t changing what I think to try to impress nobody.”
We rode the rest of the way home in silence.
Jefferson pulled into the
But this time, I wanted him to know why I was so mad, and as hard as it was to do, I forced myself to speak. “I just wish you hadn’t gotten into that stupid debate with David,” I said finally, my gaze still fixed on the traffic.
“I was just expressing my opinion,” he said apologetically. “At least I didn’t cuss.”
I turned to look at him. “Yeah, but your opinion wasn’t exactly appropriate.” My words were unintentionally condescending.
He sucked his teeth. “Appropriate? Appropriate for who? You telling me I can’t say what I think?”
“That’s not what I’m saying. You need to think about the setting you’re in and how you might be perceived before you go sounding off like that.”
“How I might be perceived?” he said, practically shouting. “I don’t give a fuck what they think about me.”
I let out a long sigh. “Never mind. You don’t get it.”
Jefferson started gnawing on his lower lip and I could feel the car pick up speed. “If you’re telling me I can’t be who I am, then I guess I don’t get it. What? You’re scared they’re not going to make you a partner or something just because I said I think it’s okay for Indians to be mascots?”
“That’s not what I’m talking about, Jefferson. You need to look at the big picture.”
“The big picture?” Now he
was
shouting. “I have no idea what in the hell you’re talking about.”
“Yeah, I know,” I said sarcastically.
I could feel him seething. “You’re acting just as uppity as them stuck-up people we just left,” he said. “It was just a conversation, Vernetta. A debate. You expect me to back down on my opinion?”
“No, I just wanted you to keep it to yourself.”
“Why?”
I closed my eyes. I wasn’t sure how to explain what I meant. “Because some of the people I work with are jerks,” I finally said. “And they don’t understand how other people view the world.”
“So I’m supposed to act like one of them? This is some bullshit!” He made an unnecessary lane change, cutting off another driver and giving me a momentary scare. “If I can’t say what I think, then don’t be taking me around them weak-ass people. You spend too much time worrying about what other people think of you. You don’t need their validation. They’re going to make you a partner because you’re a good attorney. Not because you’re kissing somebody’s ass.”
“Just forget it, Jefferson.” I didn’t want to talk anymore. But I knew it was too late for that. A lot of women complain about men who won’t communicate. Jefferson loves to talk and when he gets mad, he won’t shut up until he’s said everything he has to say and then some.
“I’ll tell you something else,” he said, looking over at me for far too long before turning back to the highway. “I bet I feel better about myself than everybody at that fuckin’ table. I don’t need six figures or a house that’s too big to even live in or a two-hundred-thousand-dollar Benz to make me feel like a man. When I look at myself in the mirror, I know who the fuck I am. And I don’t have to adjust my opinion to fit anybody else’s bullshit.”
“Do you have to cuss so much?”
“Yep.” This time he smiled. “It helps me reinforce my point. If that dude O’Reilly had taken my side, that punk-ass David wouldn’t have said shit because he ain’t got a damn backbone. That little boy gets up in the morning, licks his finger and holds it out the window to see which way the wind’s blowing and off he goes. You see how red he got? He was embarrassed because somebody with less education was going toe-to-toe with him.”
Jefferson was quiet for just a moment, then started up again. “I like me just the way I am and I ain’t changing what I think to try to impress nobody.”
We rode the rest of the way home in silence.
Jefferson pulled into the
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