doesn’t piss him off and set his rage flying. But he doesn’t or won’t accept this truth. He brushes past me and walks back inside.
I deflate. I am right, right? I’m so tired of feeling like shit, of believing that I’m not worth it. I’m tired of falling into relationships that don’t work, where I’m not really feeling anything.
I’m sick of it.
I pull out my phone and call a cab. I wish I could text Noah, but he might not want this or me after I’ve rejected his efforts so many times. If he wants a clean break from our secret friendship on the edge of something more then I’ll walk away.
I’ll be crushed but I’ll walk away.
Noah
It’s evening. I used to love this time of day but with my current status of attending the nearby college and living with my parents, it’s just a reminder of everything I’ve lost. I enter the kitchen in my workout clothes and guzzle water.
Tonight, just for the night, my parents are gone to some bed and breakfast. I have free reign. I can eat when I want. I can eat watching television. I don’t have to eat at all if I don’t want to.
I’m going to run, pound the pavement, and forget. Forget what an ass I made of myself with Carly. Forget the twinge of sadness that our friendship seems too complicated to work. I try and shake off the thoughts and hit the road.
The sky is clear and it will be a beautiful night. The air is crisp and cool. Perfect for running. The road flies under my feet, the first couple miles passing effortlessly. I push harder. Sweat stings my eyes and soaks my shirt.
This pace feels good. If I push hard enough I can’t think of anything else but my lungs screaming for air and the muscles burning for relief. I head toward my own personal heartbreak hill, a steep road that eventually leads back to my house. I’ve been training on this hill, this same route since my freshman year in high school. The sameness of this road is like an old friend, it’s been with me through everything. The pavement knows my feet and the troubles I’ve let fall away during my workouts.
With each swing of my arms and breath that I puff in and out, in the same careful rhythm, I make a decision. I don’t have to go on the same route and in an impulsive moment I veer away from heartache hill and head down a different side street.
The thrill of rebelling against what is familiar sends an extra rush of adrenaline. I sprint faster, pushing harder than I have in weeks. Finally, I stumble and collapse in someone’s yard. While I’m sucking in air, my body shaking, I realize I don’t have to be careful with my life, my decisions, or girls. What if it really isn’t my responsibility to take care of everyone around me? I’m sure they can handle living with their own mistakes just like I do.
In one glorious moment, I decide to figure this thing out with Carly once and for all. Even if it means letting her go. With a shout, I punch the air and whirl around until I fall back in the cool grass. I stare through the branches at the first stars.
A nagging thought in the back of my head whispers I need to let go of my past with Dalia too.
I’m not sure I can.
***
A slow ache starts in the back of my head, throbbing and spreading until I can’t stop it. Like a bass drum pounding against my brain. My tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth and the need for water pulses through me. I’m aware of hair tickling my chest. I crack open an eye.
Moonlight trickles in through the window at the very top of the wall. Dalia lies across me. In just her underwear.
I groan and vaguely remember last night. Then it comes back to me. Oh, right. I fell asleep in the middle of kissing her. What an asshole move. A blanket covers us from the waist down but our clothes are scattered across the floor in her basement. Her hot pink bra lays next to my jeans. The shot glasses are tipped over on the coffee table.
Shit.
I remember the vodka. I remember drinking. A lot. The
I deflate. I am right, right? I’m so tired of feeling like shit, of believing that I’m not worth it. I’m tired of falling into relationships that don’t work, where I’m not really feeling anything.
I’m sick of it.
I pull out my phone and call a cab. I wish I could text Noah, but he might not want this or me after I’ve rejected his efforts so many times. If he wants a clean break from our secret friendship on the edge of something more then I’ll walk away.
I’ll be crushed but I’ll walk away.
Noah
It’s evening. I used to love this time of day but with my current status of attending the nearby college and living with my parents, it’s just a reminder of everything I’ve lost. I enter the kitchen in my workout clothes and guzzle water.
Tonight, just for the night, my parents are gone to some bed and breakfast. I have free reign. I can eat when I want. I can eat watching television. I don’t have to eat at all if I don’t want to.
I’m going to run, pound the pavement, and forget. Forget what an ass I made of myself with Carly. Forget the twinge of sadness that our friendship seems too complicated to work. I try and shake off the thoughts and hit the road.
The sky is clear and it will be a beautiful night. The air is crisp and cool. Perfect for running. The road flies under my feet, the first couple miles passing effortlessly. I push harder. Sweat stings my eyes and soaks my shirt.
This pace feels good. If I push hard enough I can’t think of anything else but my lungs screaming for air and the muscles burning for relief. I head toward my own personal heartbreak hill, a steep road that eventually leads back to my house. I’ve been training on this hill, this same route since my freshman year in high school. The sameness of this road is like an old friend, it’s been with me through everything. The pavement knows my feet and the troubles I’ve let fall away during my workouts.
With each swing of my arms and breath that I puff in and out, in the same careful rhythm, I make a decision. I don’t have to go on the same route and in an impulsive moment I veer away from heartache hill and head down a different side street.
The thrill of rebelling against what is familiar sends an extra rush of adrenaline. I sprint faster, pushing harder than I have in weeks. Finally, I stumble and collapse in someone’s yard. While I’m sucking in air, my body shaking, I realize I don’t have to be careful with my life, my decisions, or girls. What if it really isn’t my responsibility to take care of everyone around me? I’m sure they can handle living with their own mistakes just like I do.
In one glorious moment, I decide to figure this thing out with Carly once and for all. Even if it means letting her go. With a shout, I punch the air and whirl around until I fall back in the cool grass. I stare through the branches at the first stars.
A nagging thought in the back of my head whispers I need to let go of my past with Dalia too.
I’m not sure I can.
***
A slow ache starts in the back of my head, throbbing and spreading until I can’t stop it. Like a bass drum pounding against my brain. My tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth and the need for water pulses through me. I’m aware of hair tickling my chest. I crack open an eye.
Moonlight trickles in through the window at the very top of the wall. Dalia lies across me. In just her underwear.
I groan and vaguely remember last night. Then it comes back to me. Oh, right. I fell asleep in the middle of kissing her. What an asshole move. A blanket covers us from the waist down but our clothes are scattered across the floor in her basement. Her hot pink bra lays next to my jeans. The shot glasses are tipped over on the coffee table.
Shit.
I remember the vodka. I remember drinking. A lot. The
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