you can feel a fire's presence in a cold room.
Yet I never spoke to him, and he never spoke to me, respecting the silence I had
demanded and maintained. I didn't see how he could be in more pain than I was.
Logic said I was better off walking away, but logic didn't matter to me. I missed
Lucas all the time, and it seemed like the more I told myself to leave him
alone, the more I longed to be with him.
Did he feel the same way? I couldn't be sure. All I knew for certain was that
he was wrong about my parents.
"How are you feeling, Bianca?" Mom asked softly as we cleared away my
dishes from our Sunday dinner.
I hadn't slept well, hadn't eaten much, and mostly just wanted to pull a
blanket over my head for the next two years or so. But for virtually the first
time in my life, I didn't want to confide in them. They were Lucas's teachers;
it wouldn't be fair to Lucas to tell them about his suspicions. Besides,
talking about the fact that Lucas and I were apparently over before we'd even
started would have made the loss more real. "I'm fine."
Mom and Dad exchanged glances. They could tell I was lying, but they weren't
going to press me. "Tell you what," Dad said, heading toward the
record player. "Don't go back downstairs just yet."
"Really?" Normally, the Sunday dinner rules dictated that I return to
the dorms for studying not long after dinner had ended.
"It's a clear night, and I thought you might want to get in some telescope
time. Besides, I was about to put Frank Sinatra on. I know how you love Ol'
Blue Eyes."
"'Fly Me to the Moon,'" I requested, and within a few seconds, Frank
was singing it to us all. I showed them both the Andromeda galaxy, directing
them to look up from Pegasus, then go northeast until they saw it, the soft
fuzzy glow of a billion stars far away. After that, I spent a long time combing
through the cosmos, each familiar star like a long-lost friend.
* * *
The next day, on my way to history class, I glimpsed Lucas
in the hallway at the very same moment he spotted me. Sunlight from the stained
glass windows painted him the colors of autumn, and it seemed to me that he had
never been more handsome.
When our gazes met, though, the moment lost all its beauty. Lucas looked hurt,
as bewildered and lost as I'd been feeling ever since the argument in the
restaurant—and for a terrible second I felt guilty, because I knew that I'd
hurt him. I could see guilt in his eyes, too. Then he clenched his jaw and
turned from me, shoulders slightly hunched. Within seconds, he was lost in the
crowd of uniforms, one more invisible person at Evernight.
Maybe he was telling himself, once again, that it was best to keep his distance
from people. I remembered how he had acted when we were together—so much
happier and looser, more free—and I hated the idea that I might have forced him
to shut himself off from the world again.
"Lucas's totally dragging ass around the dorm room," Vic informed me
later that day when we ran into each other on the stairwell. For once, Vic was
dressed normally—at least, from the ankles up, because the red Chucks he had on
his feet were definitely not part of the uniform. "He's kind of a moody
guy anyway, but this is beyond moody. This is supermoody. Megamoody. X-treme
moodiness." He made an X with his arms to spell out the last.
"Did he send you here to plead his case?" I tried to make it sound
light. I don't think I did very well; my voice was so ragged that anybody could
tell I'd been crying earlier that day—even someone as oblivious as Vic.
"He didn't send me. He's not like that." Vic shrugged. "Just
wondering about the source of the drama."
"There's no drama."
"There's totally drama, and you're not going to tell me about it, but,
hey, that's okay. Because it's not my business."
I felt so disappointed. I would have been angry if Lucas had sent Vic to argue
on his behalf, but it was depressing to realize that Lucas was going to let me
go without a fight. "Okay."
Vic nudged my
Yet I never spoke to him, and he never spoke to me, respecting the silence I had
demanded and maintained. I didn't see how he could be in more pain than I was.
Logic said I was better off walking away, but logic didn't matter to me. I missed
Lucas all the time, and it seemed like the more I told myself to leave him
alone, the more I longed to be with him.
Did he feel the same way? I couldn't be sure. All I knew for certain was that
he was wrong about my parents.
"How are you feeling, Bianca?" Mom asked softly as we cleared away my
dishes from our Sunday dinner.
I hadn't slept well, hadn't eaten much, and mostly just wanted to pull a
blanket over my head for the next two years or so. But for virtually the first
time in my life, I didn't want to confide in them. They were Lucas's teachers;
it wouldn't be fair to Lucas to tell them about his suspicions. Besides,
talking about the fact that Lucas and I were apparently over before we'd even
started would have made the loss more real. "I'm fine."
Mom and Dad exchanged glances. They could tell I was lying, but they weren't
going to press me. "Tell you what," Dad said, heading toward the
record player. "Don't go back downstairs just yet."
"Really?" Normally, the Sunday dinner rules dictated that I return to
the dorms for studying not long after dinner had ended.
"It's a clear night, and I thought you might want to get in some telescope
time. Besides, I was about to put Frank Sinatra on. I know how you love Ol'
Blue Eyes."
"'Fly Me to the Moon,'" I requested, and within a few seconds, Frank
was singing it to us all. I showed them both the Andromeda galaxy, directing
them to look up from Pegasus, then go northeast until they saw it, the soft
fuzzy glow of a billion stars far away. After that, I spent a long time combing
through the cosmos, each familiar star like a long-lost friend.
* * *
The next day, on my way to history class, I glimpsed Lucas
in the hallway at the very same moment he spotted me. Sunlight from the stained
glass windows painted him the colors of autumn, and it seemed to me that he had
never been more handsome.
When our gazes met, though, the moment lost all its beauty. Lucas looked hurt,
as bewildered and lost as I'd been feeling ever since the argument in the
restaurant—and for a terrible second I felt guilty, because I knew that I'd
hurt him. I could see guilt in his eyes, too. Then he clenched his jaw and
turned from me, shoulders slightly hunched. Within seconds, he was lost in the
crowd of uniforms, one more invisible person at Evernight.
Maybe he was telling himself, once again, that it was best to keep his distance
from people. I remembered how he had acted when we were together—so much
happier and looser, more free—and I hated the idea that I might have forced him
to shut himself off from the world again.
"Lucas's totally dragging ass around the dorm room," Vic informed me
later that day when we ran into each other on the stairwell. For once, Vic was
dressed normally—at least, from the ankles up, because the red Chucks he had on
his feet were definitely not part of the uniform. "He's kind of a moody
guy anyway, but this is beyond moody. This is supermoody. Megamoody. X-treme
moodiness." He made an X with his arms to spell out the last.
"Did he send you here to plead his case?" I tried to make it sound
light. I don't think I did very well; my voice was so ragged that anybody could
tell I'd been crying earlier that day—even someone as oblivious as Vic.
"He didn't send me. He's not like that." Vic shrugged. "Just
wondering about the source of the drama."
"There's no drama."
"There's totally drama, and you're not going to tell me about it, but,
hey, that's okay. Because it's not my business."
I felt so disappointed. I would have been angry if Lucas had sent Vic to argue
on his behalf, but it was depressing to realize that Lucas was going to let me
go without a fight. "Okay."
Vic nudged my
Similar Books
