Esther by Rebecca Kanner

“Before he changes his mind.”
    As I returned to my cushion a few of the women looked at me with eyes so narrow they were smaller than the thick lines of kohl with which they were lined.
    â€œNow what did I come here for? Oh yes, a vessel for the king.” Hegai sighed, as if the king’s choice seemed unfortunate to him. “Nabat.”
    Some of the women jeered. More than one began to cry.
    Nabat called attention to her many bracelets by reaching up to touch her nose ring so that they jangled as she walked toward Hegai. When she came near her gaze flittered over me and then she batted her eyelashes at Hegai. She was unfazed by the lioness. “To the Jewelry Box!” she cried.
    No one imagined that she would never return to the harem.

    That night as Ruti pressed a damp cloth to my skin she told me that someone like Halannah had ruined her for the king. “When I went in to Darius he would not have me. He sent me instead to the soldiers. That was twenty-nine years ago.”
    I tried not to show my surprise. Ruti looked old enough to be a great-grandmother.
    â€œHalannah comes to each pretty new virgin. Few make it to the king unbroken. And so the king believes there are no beautiful virgins left in his empire. He thinks only plain girls are pure.”
    She squeezed my arm with her bony fingers. “If you do not show him he is wrong, he will seek younger and younger girls, until he finds the purity he desires.”
    â€œHow old were you?”
    She let go of my arm. “Too young to imagine what was to come and too old not to have known better: fourteen. My family tried to discourage the soldiers from taking me by telling them I was even younger. Surely they regret this. It sealed my fate.”
    â€œSoldiers are the most ruthless of all creatures,” I said. “I wish God had never made them.”
    â€œNo, Halannah is worse than a soldier. It did not take war to make her cruel.”
    â€œAnd the king?”
    â€œHe does not know anything his advisers do not tell him. He looks like a strong man, but at his core he is weak. You must rescue yourself. Do not be fooled by the treatments you receive and delicacies at your fingertips: you and the other virgins are not truly being taken care of. You are the most endangered creatures within these walls. You have something of great value and no way to protect it. But if you band together perhaps you can—”
    â€œI have many things of great value.” I could not help but think of Erez. Did he also believe a tiny piece of flesh was a girl’s greatest attribute? If I mattered to him at all, would I still after my night with the king?
    â€œYour purity and your strong spirit are more important than anything else, and you must spend this year before you go in to the king preserving them. You will find that in the harem you have to hide anything you wish to keep.”
    â€œA tiny bit of flesh is not more important than my face or my words or my thoughts.”
    â€œ Look at me, girl.”
    The anger building inside me turned on her as I looked at her heavily lined face and tired eyes. Why had she allowed so many bad things to happen to her? But her eyes upon mine were so full of concern for me that I could not maintain my anger. It drained out of me, leaving me weak. “Ruti, there is one thing that will give me the strength for all that is to come.”
    Before I could ask for my Faravahar, she said, “You will have to earn the return of your necklace. Now, you had best get back to the harem. I would tell you to get some rest, but you will have to earn that as well.”

    I lay awake in the virgin sleeping quarters all night, clutching a narrow vase with all my strength, switching it from hand to hand whenever my fingers grew tired.
    By morning my eyes burned and my hands ached. I was exhausted. I had to make friends before night if I wished to sleep.
    When I entered the harem room I saw the Nubian