Christmas party like a crazed stalker. I mean, what is it with this guy? Why does his penis turn presumably normal women into nut jobs?
A chime erupts from my laptop's speakers, Lex pauses mid-sentence but then continues talking. I nod along, clicking open my email. Then my jaw drops.
"What is it?" my sister asks.
"Flood. Up north," I lie. "People stuck in their cars."
She nods then gets up. Says she's going to get some Christmas shopping done. I keep my expression steady as she walks away.
I turn back to my laptop and read the email from Leo Conrad.
__
From: Leo Conrad
To: Emily Stone
Subject: Alexis
If by some miracle, you didn't instantly delete this:
I need to talk to you about Alexis. In person.
It's important. Are you coming into town soon?
__
From: Emily Stone
To: Leo Conrad
Subject: RE: Alexis
Instantly delete this?
And miss an opportunity to tell you to go fuck yourself?
No way in hell.
P.S. Go fuck yourself.
__
From: Leo Conrad
To: Emily Stone
Subject: RE: Alexis
My mistake. I forgot I was communicating with a child.
Trust me, you're the last person in the world I want to talk to right now. Or ever. Yet here I am.
Let's cut to the chase. I'm going to assume a few things:
1. You are coming to town for Christmas.
2. You know what happened between Alexis and me.
3. You want your sister to be happy.
4. You know that she can be with me.
__
From: Emily Stone
To: Leo Conrad
Subject: Recap: Fuck off and die
I forgot I was communicating with an arrogant, self-absorbed pretty boy.
1. Did you really just make a numbered list?
2. You broke my sister's heart.
3. And so she hates you.
4. And so I hate you.
5. The best thing you can do is to forget anything happened between the two of you because trust me, she's way over you.
__
From: Leo Conrad
To: Emily Stone
Subject: RE: Recap: Fuck off and die
I hate that I have no idea what to use as bait to lure a vicious man-eater to meet with me.
What is it, anyway—your bait? Is it man blood?
I'm O-Negative.
__
From: Emily Stone
To: Leo Conrad
Subject: RE: Recap: Fuck off and die
Trust me, I'm the last person in the world you want to meet with. Because I can't guarantee I won't drive my very sharp heel into your crotch and puncture your balls—that is, if you even have any.
__
From: Leo Conrad
To: Emily Stone
Subject: RE: Recap: Fuck off and die
I honestly don't care if you like me or not. I don't get the sense that you are the sensitive type so here's the truth: the feeling is mutual. You may not like me, but this isn't about you and me. It's about Alexis.
__
From: Emily Stone
To: Leo Conrad
Subject: RE: Recap: Fuck off and die
I'm sure you miss her, blah blah. Want her back, blah, blah.
But it's time to own up to your shit, Leo.
You lost her. Now go after something that suits you, something cheap and easy. From what I've heard, you've got that department covered.
__
From: Leo Conrad
To: Emily Stone
Subject: Truce?
Here's the truth. I am in love with your sister. Insanely in love. Every second she slips further away from me feels like I'm losing a part of myself.
All I want is to make Alexis happy.
Please, hear me out.
__
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Truce, my ass.
Lex and I spend the rest of the weekend together. I don't mention the emails and decide not to give Leo Conrad another thought. Lex's office is closed for the holidays and she won't have to see him until after New Year's. By then, I'm positive, she'll have gotten over him enough to where he'll be just a small splinter in her ass.
My sister treats me to a pedicure at a salon. It's my first time, since I usually couldn't care less about the color of my toenails. But to my pleasant surprise, the process involves so much more than I expected. It's not simple, mere nail painting. Oh, no. This is a goddamn experience. Why did no one ever mention the massage chair?
There're freaking industrial strength rods in there
A chime erupts from my laptop's speakers, Lex pauses mid-sentence but then continues talking. I nod along, clicking open my email. Then my jaw drops.
"What is it?" my sister asks.
"Flood. Up north," I lie. "People stuck in their cars."
She nods then gets up. Says she's going to get some Christmas shopping done. I keep my expression steady as she walks away.
I turn back to my laptop and read the email from Leo Conrad.
__
From: Leo Conrad
To: Emily Stone
Subject: Alexis
If by some miracle, you didn't instantly delete this:
I need to talk to you about Alexis. In person.
It's important. Are you coming into town soon?
__
From: Emily Stone
To: Leo Conrad
Subject: RE: Alexis
Instantly delete this?
And miss an opportunity to tell you to go fuck yourself?
No way in hell.
P.S. Go fuck yourself.
__
From: Leo Conrad
To: Emily Stone
Subject: RE: Alexis
My mistake. I forgot I was communicating with a child.
Trust me, you're the last person in the world I want to talk to right now. Or ever. Yet here I am.
Let's cut to the chase. I'm going to assume a few things:
1. You are coming to town for Christmas.
2. You know what happened between Alexis and me.
3. You want your sister to be happy.
4. You know that she can be with me.
__
From: Emily Stone
To: Leo Conrad
Subject: Recap: Fuck off and die
I forgot I was communicating with an arrogant, self-absorbed pretty boy.
1. Did you really just make a numbered list?
2. You broke my sister's heart.
3. And so she hates you.
4. And so I hate you.
5. The best thing you can do is to forget anything happened between the two of you because trust me, she's way over you.
__
From: Leo Conrad
To: Emily Stone
Subject: RE: Recap: Fuck off and die
I hate that I have no idea what to use as bait to lure a vicious man-eater to meet with me.
What is it, anyway—your bait? Is it man blood?
I'm O-Negative.
__
From: Emily Stone
To: Leo Conrad
Subject: RE: Recap: Fuck off and die
Trust me, I'm the last person in the world you want to meet with. Because I can't guarantee I won't drive my very sharp heel into your crotch and puncture your balls—that is, if you even have any.
__
From: Leo Conrad
To: Emily Stone
Subject: RE: Recap: Fuck off and die
I honestly don't care if you like me or not. I don't get the sense that you are the sensitive type so here's the truth: the feeling is mutual. You may not like me, but this isn't about you and me. It's about Alexis.
__
From: Emily Stone
To: Leo Conrad
Subject: RE: Recap: Fuck off and die
I'm sure you miss her, blah blah. Want her back, blah, blah.
But it's time to own up to your shit, Leo.
You lost her. Now go after something that suits you, something cheap and easy. From what I've heard, you've got that department covered.
__
From: Leo Conrad
To: Emily Stone
Subject: Truce?
Here's the truth. I am in love with your sister. Insanely in love. Every second she slips further away from me feels like I'm losing a part of myself.
All I want is to make Alexis happy.
Please, hear me out.
__
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Truce, my ass.
Lex and I spend the rest of the weekend together. I don't mention the emails and decide not to give Leo Conrad another thought. Lex's office is closed for the holidays and she won't have to see him until after New Year's. By then, I'm positive, she'll have gotten over him enough to where he'll be just a small splinter in her ass.
My sister treats me to a pedicure at a salon. It's my first time, since I usually couldn't care less about the color of my toenails. But to my pleasant surprise, the process involves so much more than I expected. It's not simple, mere nail painting. Oh, no. This is a goddamn experience. Why did no one ever mention the massage chair?
There're freaking industrial strength rods in there
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