proof were needed ⦠flashed through her mind ⦠one after another ⦠then dismissed as foolish ⦠oh long after ⦠this thought dismissed ⦠as she suddenly realized ⦠gradually realized ⦠she was not suffering ⦠imagine! ⦠not suffering! ⦠indeed could not remember ⦠off-hand ⦠when she had suffered less ⦠unless of course she was â¦
meant
to be suffering ⦠ha! â¦
thought
to be suffering ⦠just as the odd time ⦠in her life ⦠when clearly intended to be having pleasure ⦠she was in fact ⦠having none ⦠not the slightest ⦠in which case of course ⦠that notion of punishment ⦠for some sin or other ⦠or for the lot ⦠or no particular reason ⦠for its own sake ⦠thing she understood perfectly ⦠that notion of punishment ⦠which had first occurred to her ⦠brought up as she had been to believe ⦠with the other waifs ⦠in a merciful ⦠(
brief laugh
) ⦠God ⦠(
good laugh
) ⦠first occurred to her ⦠then dismissed ⦠as foolish ⦠was perhaps not so foolish ⦠after all ⦠so on ⦠all that ⦠vain reasonings ⦠till another thought ⦠oh long after ⦠sudden flash ⦠very foolish really butâ⦠what? ⦠the buzzing? ⦠yes ⦠all the time the buzzing ⦠so-called ⦠in the ears ⦠though of course actually ⦠not in the ears at all ⦠in the skull ⦠dull roar in the skull ⦠and all the time this ray or beam ⦠like moonbeam ⦠but probably not ⦠certainly not ⦠always the same spot ⦠now bright ⦠now shrouded ⦠but always the same spot ⦠as no moon could ⦠no⦠no moon ⦠just all part of the same wish to ⦠torment ⦠though actually in point of fact ⦠not in the least ⦠not a twinge ⦠so far ⦠ha! ⦠so far ⦠this other thought then ⦠oh long after ⦠sudden flash ⦠very foolish really but so like her ⦠in a way ⦠that she might do well to ⦠groan ⦠on and off ⦠writhe she could not ⦠as if in actual ⦠agony ⦠but could not ⦠could not bring herself ⦠some flaw in her make-up ⦠incapable of deceit ⦠or the machine ⦠more likely the machine ⦠so disconnected ⦠never got the message ⦠or powerless to respond ⦠like numbed ⦠couldnât make the sound ⦠not any sound ⦠no sound of any kind ⦠no screaming for help for example ⦠should she feel so inclined ⦠scream ⦠(
screams
)⦠then listen ⦠(
silence
)⦠scream again ⦠(
screams again
)⦠then listen again ⦠(
silence
)⦠no ⦠spared that ⦠all silent as the grave ⦠no partâ⦠what? ⦠the buzzing? ⦠yes ⦠all silent but for the buzzing ⦠so-called ⦠no part of her moving ⦠that she could feel ⦠just the eyelids ⦠presumably ⦠on and off ⦠shut out the light ⦠reflex they call it ⦠no feeling of any kind ⦠but the lids ⦠even best of times ⦠who feels them? ⦠opening ⦠shutting ⦠all that moisture ⦠but the brain still ⦠still sufficiently ⦠oh very much so! ⦠at this stage ⦠in control ⦠under control ⦠to question even this ⦠for on that April morning ⦠so it reasoned ⦠that April morning ⦠she fixing with her eye ⦠a distant bell ⦠as she hastened towards it ⦠fixing it with her eye ⦠lest it elude her ⦠had not all gone out ⦠all that light ⦠of itself ⦠without any ⦠any ⦠on herpart ⦠so on ⦠so on it reasoned ⦠vain questionings ⦠and all dead still ⦠sweet silent as the grave ⦠when suddenly â¦
meant
to be suffering ⦠ha! â¦
thought
to be suffering ⦠just as the odd time ⦠in her life ⦠when clearly intended to be having pleasure ⦠she was in fact ⦠having none ⦠not the slightest ⦠in which case of course ⦠that notion of punishment ⦠for some sin or other ⦠or for the lot ⦠or no particular reason ⦠for its own sake ⦠thing she understood perfectly ⦠that notion of punishment ⦠which had first occurred to her ⦠brought up as she had been to believe ⦠with the other waifs ⦠in a merciful ⦠(
brief laugh
) ⦠God ⦠(
good laugh
) ⦠first occurred to her ⦠then dismissed ⦠as foolish ⦠was perhaps not so foolish ⦠after all ⦠so on ⦠all that ⦠vain reasonings ⦠till another thought ⦠oh long after ⦠sudden flash ⦠very foolish really butâ⦠what? ⦠the buzzing? ⦠yes ⦠all the time the buzzing ⦠so-called ⦠in the ears ⦠though of course actually ⦠not in the ears at all ⦠in the skull ⦠dull roar in the skull ⦠and all the time this ray or beam ⦠like moonbeam ⦠but probably not ⦠certainly not ⦠always the same spot ⦠now bright ⦠now shrouded ⦠but always the same spot ⦠as no moon could ⦠no⦠no moon ⦠just all part of the same wish to ⦠torment ⦠though actually in point of fact ⦠not in the least ⦠not a twinge ⦠so far ⦠ha! ⦠so far ⦠this other thought then ⦠oh long after ⦠sudden flash ⦠very foolish really but so like her ⦠in a way ⦠that she might do well to ⦠groan ⦠on and off ⦠writhe she could not ⦠as if in actual ⦠agony ⦠but could not ⦠could not bring herself ⦠some flaw in her make-up ⦠incapable of deceit ⦠or the machine ⦠more likely the machine ⦠so disconnected ⦠never got the message ⦠or powerless to respond ⦠like numbed ⦠couldnât make the sound ⦠not any sound ⦠no sound of any kind ⦠no screaming for help for example ⦠should she feel so inclined ⦠scream ⦠(
screams
)⦠then listen ⦠(
silence
)⦠scream again ⦠(
screams again
)⦠then listen again ⦠(
silence
)⦠no ⦠spared that ⦠all silent as the grave ⦠no partâ⦠what? ⦠the buzzing? ⦠yes ⦠all silent but for the buzzing ⦠so-called ⦠no part of her moving ⦠that she could feel ⦠just the eyelids ⦠presumably ⦠on and off ⦠shut out the light ⦠reflex they call it ⦠no feeling of any kind ⦠but the lids ⦠even best of times ⦠who feels them? ⦠opening ⦠shutting ⦠all that moisture ⦠but the brain still ⦠still sufficiently ⦠oh very much so! ⦠at this stage ⦠in control ⦠under control ⦠to question even this ⦠for on that April morning ⦠so it reasoned ⦠that April morning ⦠she fixing with her eye ⦠a distant bell ⦠as she hastened towards it ⦠fixing it with her eye ⦠lest it elude her ⦠had not all gone out ⦠all that light ⦠of itself ⦠without any ⦠any ⦠on herpart ⦠so on ⦠so on it reasoned ⦠vain questionings ⦠and all dead still ⦠sweet silent as the grave ⦠when suddenly â¦
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