The old Liana that I knew was hidden away in there somewhere beneath her glum exterior. She still loved to shock.
‘That all sounds painful.’
‘Nah. Not when you do it right. A good dom warms their sub up first, so by the time you get to the harder stuff it’s not bad, or painful, unless you want it to be. You should give it a go sometime. You do work in a fetish club after all.’
‘It’s not really my thing.’
‘You never know until you try. And some things aren’t what they seem. Fire, for instance, feels like a warm hug. And wax is quite cosy, so long as you use the right candles so it’s not too hot.’
‘Hmm.’ I wasn’t convinced. ‘But what do you get out of it? Just the sensation alone?’
‘Not exactly. There’s something almost spiritual in it. When you find the right person, and you really let yourself go, it brings on a sort of trance. And it’s so freeing, to leave all the responsibility in someone else’s hands, to be allowed to be so totally uninhibited like that. To enjoy things thatpeople say shouldn’t be enjoyed. To play with danger. You must have seen it at the club. Don’t you ever let yourself go?’
I shook my head.
‘Then you haven’t lived. When he pulls my hair, spits in my face, it takes every thought out of my head. Every worry. It’s like I’ve been peeled back and he has my soul sitting in his palm, like a butterfly. As if he’s really seeing me. Not all the bullshit that I’ve built up over the years. The fake confidence and the bravado. It’s like he’s seeing the real me. And then the aftercare, when I’m totally broken down and he pulls me into his lap and cradles me like a child …’
The hot tea burned my throat when I took too big a gulp. Liana was waxing lyrical and now had a slightly dreamy expression on her face. As much as I was glad that she felt able to confide in me about all of this, it creeped me out a little. Kinky people could be very intense sometimes.
‘What’s gone wrong, then? If it’s so great, why the long face?’
‘It worked with Nick and I for a while. I think I was born submissive. I’ve always been this way. And he was the first to bring it out of me. Initially it was great, and I loved it. But after a while I started to want more. Things that he couldn’t give me.’
‘He didn’t like the harder stuff? Couldn’t he just do it anyway, for you?’
‘We tried that for a while. Didn’t really work though. There’s a difference between someone using you because they really want to and because they know you want them to. It switched everything around. I felt like I was topping from the bottom all the time. And I knew he wasn’t reallyinto it. So then we agreed that I could play with other people. Just to get that release.’
‘And he got jealous?’
She stirred another teaspoon of sugar into her tea. I’d watched her dissolve five spoonfuls in her mug so far, and she was mainlining gingernuts one after the other. Liana was on a sugar binge.
‘Not exactly. It’s not uncommon to have more than one play partner. I’d go to the clubs and whatnot regularly, and be flogged by the Dungeon Master, or people we knew who were into it. It was a release for them, and for me. Nick wasn’t jealous. But as I stopped seeing him as my dom, my feelings changed. Then we started to bicker. And then I met someone else.’
‘The guy that you’re seeing now?’
‘No, one of his friends, actually. We only saw each other a few times. But just clicked instantly. Have you ever had that with someone? That immediate connection? Like love at first sight, but not love.’
I thought of Leonard and the way it had felt as though we’d known each other for ever as soon as we met. The way that he’d known exactly how to touch me, without any instruction.
‘Yes. I know what you mean.’
‘His name was Alice.’
‘Funny name for a guy,’ I said.
‘Yeah,’ she laughed. ‘That was how we got talking, actually, because he
‘That all sounds painful.’
‘Nah. Not when you do it right. A good dom warms their sub up first, so by the time you get to the harder stuff it’s not bad, or painful, unless you want it to be. You should give it a go sometime. You do work in a fetish club after all.’
‘It’s not really my thing.’
‘You never know until you try. And some things aren’t what they seem. Fire, for instance, feels like a warm hug. And wax is quite cosy, so long as you use the right candles so it’s not too hot.’
‘Hmm.’ I wasn’t convinced. ‘But what do you get out of it? Just the sensation alone?’
‘Not exactly. There’s something almost spiritual in it. When you find the right person, and you really let yourself go, it brings on a sort of trance. And it’s so freeing, to leave all the responsibility in someone else’s hands, to be allowed to be so totally uninhibited like that. To enjoy things thatpeople say shouldn’t be enjoyed. To play with danger. You must have seen it at the club. Don’t you ever let yourself go?’
I shook my head.
‘Then you haven’t lived. When he pulls my hair, spits in my face, it takes every thought out of my head. Every worry. It’s like I’ve been peeled back and he has my soul sitting in his palm, like a butterfly. As if he’s really seeing me. Not all the bullshit that I’ve built up over the years. The fake confidence and the bravado. It’s like he’s seeing the real me. And then the aftercare, when I’m totally broken down and he pulls me into his lap and cradles me like a child …’
The hot tea burned my throat when I took too big a gulp. Liana was waxing lyrical and now had a slightly dreamy expression on her face. As much as I was glad that she felt able to confide in me about all of this, it creeped me out a little. Kinky people could be very intense sometimes.
‘What’s gone wrong, then? If it’s so great, why the long face?’
‘It worked with Nick and I for a while. I think I was born submissive. I’ve always been this way. And he was the first to bring it out of me. Initially it was great, and I loved it. But after a while I started to want more. Things that he couldn’t give me.’
‘He didn’t like the harder stuff? Couldn’t he just do it anyway, for you?’
‘We tried that for a while. Didn’t really work though. There’s a difference between someone using you because they really want to and because they know you want them to. It switched everything around. I felt like I was topping from the bottom all the time. And I knew he wasn’t reallyinto it. So then we agreed that I could play with other people. Just to get that release.’
‘And he got jealous?’
She stirred another teaspoon of sugar into her tea. I’d watched her dissolve five spoonfuls in her mug so far, and she was mainlining gingernuts one after the other. Liana was on a sugar binge.
‘Not exactly. It’s not uncommon to have more than one play partner. I’d go to the clubs and whatnot regularly, and be flogged by the Dungeon Master, or people we knew who were into it. It was a release for them, and for me. Nick wasn’t jealous. But as I stopped seeing him as my dom, my feelings changed. Then we started to bicker. And then I met someone else.’
‘The guy that you’re seeing now?’
‘No, one of his friends, actually. We only saw each other a few times. But just clicked instantly. Have you ever had that with someone? That immediate connection? Like love at first sight, but not love.’
I thought of Leonard and the way it had felt as though we’d known each other for ever as soon as we met. The way that he’d known exactly how to touch me, without any instruction.
‘Yes. I know what you mean.’
‘His name was Alice.’
‘Funny name for a guy,’ I said.
‘Yeah,’ she laughed. ‘That was how we got talking, actually, because he
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