hammering against his chest like a trapped bird.
“Emma, oh, Emma, my dearest love, please forgive me.”
The rain poured down on them, a cloudburst now. He did his best to shield her from it, as he wondered how he could ever explain what he didn’t fully understand himself.
Nathanial, please, help me this one last time. Please, please help me find the words.
And like a benediction, he felt his friend’s calm, loving energy, and somehow the words he needed were there. “Emma, I’ve been alone too long. I’m such a fool, I’ve made so many mistakes.” He squinted down at her, the rain making it impossible to see through his spectacles, but it was as if a light had gone on inside him, and all at once he saw clearly what had made him the way he was.
“I was an only child, Emma. My mother had lost three babies before me, and she and my father doted on me. I had the best parents a boy could have, the happiest of childhoods. As I grew older, I fell in love with the girl on the next farm, Ruth Montgomery. I planned to wed her, live here and farm and raise a family. My life stretched before me, full of promise. But my mother and father died of typhoid, they were sick for only two days. And within a week, so did Ruth. She was only eighteen. Losing all of them like that, so quickly, changed me. It hurt so much I vowed never again to love anyone that deeply.”
She was quiet in his arms, and he knew she was listening. He wrapped her still closer, locking his arms around her.
“I became a doctor to fight death. And most of the time, I managed to help people, to heal them. Not by myself, Emma. See, I had a special gift, a—a friend—“
But Nathanial was so much more than a friend. If he and Emma had a chance together, it had to be rooted in absolute honesty this time. He drew in a breath and silently asked for courage. “His name is Nathanial. He’s—well, he’s an angel who comes—came—to assist me with patients whenever I needed him. He would appear whenever I called, he helped me save so many lives. He was there the night I visited Elmer, he’s the one I was talking to. I always felt like a charlatan, taking credit for things when it was really Nathanial who told me what to do. He was even the one who told me I needed you in my life.”
He expected Emma to pull away, to laugh at him and tell him he was loony. He’d only ever spoken of Nathanial to Granny, because he knew the old woman believed in such things. He waited, certain that Emma would leave him now, that she’d see him as a crazy person, a lunatic.
“You should have talked to me about him, Joseph.” There was only sadness in her voice. “Did you think I wouldn’t understand? I’ve always known there were angels; I’ve always known my mother was one of mine. I know she watches over me. Just because I can’t see her doesn’t mean I don’t know she’s there. You are so fortunate, being able to actually see your guardian angel.”
“But I drove him away, just as I did you.” He was so ashamed to admit it. “I’ve destroyed all the things I most love. I’m so terribly sorry for the abominable things I said to you, Emma, and for the terrible way I’ve acted. I was stupid and foolish, and I thought that when you saw what a bumbling idiot I really was, you’d leave me. And I was so afraid you’d leave me that I drove you away, to get the pain over with.” He used his thumb to swab at her wet cheeks. “Except it didn’t work. Every day without you is a fresh agony.” He faltered, because what he had to ask her would determine the rest of his life. He squeezed his eyes shut and forced out the words. “Can—could you find it in your heart—Emma, do you think you could ever forgive me?”
“Oh, Joseph.” She touched his cheek and he opened his eyes.
Hers were filled with compassion and glistening with unshed tears. “There’s one important thing you haven’t said. You used to tell me that you loved me. Do you still?”
He
“Emma, oh, Emma, my dearest love, please forgive me.”
The rain poured down on them, a cloudburst now. He did his best to shield her from it, as he wondered how he could ever explain what he didn’t fully understand himself.
Nathanial, please, help me this one last time. Please, please help me find the words.
And like a benediction, he felt his friend’s calm, loving energy, and somehow the words he needed were there. “Emma, I’ve been alone too long. I’m such a fool, I’ve made so many mistakes.” He squinted down at her, the rain making it impossible to see through his spectacles, but it was as if a light had gone on inside him, and all at once he saw clearly what had made him the way he was.
“I was an only child, Emma. My mother had lost three babies before me, and she and my father doted on me. I had the best parents a boy could have, the happiest of childhoods. As I grew older, I fell in love with the girl on the next farm, Ruth Montgomery. I planned to wed her, live here and farm and raise a family. My life stretched before me, full of promise. But my mother and father died of typhoid, they were sick for only two days. And within a week, so did Ruth. She was only eighteen. Losing all of them like that, so quickly, changed me. It hurt so much I vowed never again to love anyone that deeply.”
She was quiet in his arms, and he knew she was listening. He wrapped her still closer, locking his arms around her.
“I became a doctor to fight death. And most of the time, I managed to help people, to heal them. Not by myself, Emma. See, I had a special gift, a—a friend—“
But Nathanial was so much more than a friend. If he and Emma had a chance together, it had to be rooted in absolute honesty this time. He drew in a breath and silently asked for courage. “His name is Nathanial. He’s—well, he’s an angel who comes—came—to assist me with patients whenever I needed him. He would appear whenever I called, he helped me save so many lives. He was there the night I visited Elmer, he’s the one I was talking to. I always felt like a charlatan, taking credit for things when it was really Nathanial who told me what to do. He was even the one who told me I needed you in my life.”
He expected Emma to pull away, to laugh at him and tell him he was loony. He’d only ever spoken of Nathanial to Granny, because he knew the old woman believed in such things. He waited, certain that Emma would leave him now, that she’d see him as a crazy person, a lunatic.
“You should have talked to me about him, Joseph.” There was only sadness in her voice. “Did you think I wouldn’t understand? I’ve always known there were angels; I’ve always known my mother was one of mine. I know she watches over me. Just because I can’t see her doesn’t mean I don’t know she’s there. You are so fortunate, being able to actually see your guardian angel.”
“But I drove him away, just as I did you.” He was so ashamed to admit it. “I’ve destroyed all the things I most love. I’m so terribly sorry for the abominable things I said to you, Emma, and for the terrible way I’ve acted. I was stupid and foolish, and I thought that when you saw what a bumbling idiot I really was, you’d leave me. And I was so afraid you’d leave me that I drove you away, to get the pain over with.” He used his thumb to swab at her wet cheeks. “Except it didn’t work. Every day without you is a fresh agony.” He faltered, because what he had to ask her would determine the rest of his life. He squeezed his eyes shut and forced out the words. “Can—could you find it in your heart—Emma, do you think you could ever forgive me?”
“Oh, Joseph.” She touched his cheek and he opened his eyes.
Hers were filled with compassion and glistening with unshed tears. “There’s one important thing you haven’t said. You used to tell me that you loved me. Do you still?”
He
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