Down From the Clouds by Marilyn Grey Page B

man." I shook my head. "That's a big sacrifice."
    "There's more to the story. I'm not the hero I seem to be." He stood. "But I'm not ready to get into that yet. Maybe another day." He opened the back door. "Sarah has been afraid to introduce me to Ella because she knew it wouldn't be ideal for Ella, but it's hard enough for me to find a woman who will accept this about me. I come with a package deal. So many girls have turned away even after knowing why I have Abby. Sometimes I'd go out and pretend like I didn't have a kid, just to have fun with no strings attached."
    He walked into the kitchen. We followed.
    "So." I closed the door. "Sarah's only hesitancy is Abby?"
    He lowered his voice. "She's afraid the cancer will come back and Abby will lose a mother a second time. She can't stand the thought of that so she keeps her heart from me. I know she loves me though."
    "I'm so sorry." Matt looked down. 
    "It will work out," I said.
    "Leave it to Gavin," Matt said. "He sees the world through rose-colored glasses."
    I grabbed another drink. "If only that were true."
    "Oh, come on. You are the joyful light bulb that never burns out."
    I nodded. Matt looked at me. He didn't quite know what to think when my mind fell to a more reflective state. He knew something was up. Something I never spoke about. I don't know why. Felt like my real feelings were locked in a prison with no bail. There were times I wanted to set them free, but couldn't figure out how. So I'd sit there. Staring through the bars. Waiting for someone to turn the key.
    I thought of Tylissa and Mwenye. I know the guy had a sweet personality, but what didn't I know? Sometimes I wondered if he really did have a tweak out moment and kill all those kids. Why else would he admit to it?
    "Hey." Ella touched my arm as I leaned into the refrigerator. "Matt and James just came in and said you didn't look so good."
    "I'm fine. Just thinking."
    "I know better."
    "You deserve better, too."
    "That's not true at all." She tugged on my hair. "I deserve nothing. You are a gift to me."
    "I'm okay. Really. Just want to focus on the wedding and you."
    She smiled as a single drop ran from her eye to her nose. I wiped it away and held her chin. We didn't need to speak for me to know what she wanted to say. She loved me. And she wanted me to let go. She wanted me to move on from the past and start a new life with her.
    "What I'm about to do is not easy," I said. "And it's all for you."
    I kissed her cheek and led her by the hand. Lydia and Sarah looked up from the floor. Still packing petals. The guys eyed me from the couch. I cleared my throat. Counted to three inside. Sliced open my chest. And laid my heart out for everyone to see.
    "Most people in this room think I'm a ball of joy just waiting to roll into someone's life. Fact is, I'm not. I'm nowhere close to it. My mom died in childbirth and my dad left me on the side of the road. He disappeared for three decades. And now he's back. Maybe that seems like a good thing, but it's not easy for me and I want nothing to do with him." I squeezed Ella's hand. "But this lady here wants me to try, so I am. All this to say, I'm not who you think I am, but I want to try to be better. I pretend to see the world through positive eyes, thinking maybe if I pretend I will convince myself that it's true. But deep down I'm a mess."
    Sarah looked down. Arms crossed. Sadness painted on her face. James watched her as I did. Everyone in the room stood to hug me, except Sarah. After everyone had their turn and talked with me for a few minutes she finally stood. Ella walked over to her. They whispered on the couch for the next hour until everyone decided it was time to go.
    She said goodbye to James and Abby and turned to Ella and me.
    "Thank you for that, Gavin. I can relate and I think I really needed to hear that." A tear tripped over her eyelid. "I am a joyful person. I know sometimes it is real. I know it is. But sometimes it's not and when you spend your