of Nicholas the vacuum-cleaner salesman, continues to twist the knife with her painted nails and her sly review. She has made a mistake in thinking that her pithy little missive will satisfy me. It has provoked me. It is an insult. I’m not interested in her acknowledgement of my pain. It’s too late for that. She needs to feel it, to know what it’s like. Only then will I get through to her. She needs to suffer as I have.
19
Early summer 2013
Catherine wakes. She hadn’t remembered falling asleep, but her head tells her she has slept for some time. Her eyes are sticky with it. The bed is empty and light squeezes through the bottom of the blind. She allows her head to sink back on the pillow. The sun warms the room. It must be a nice day out there. It is after ten. Robert left hours ago. She thinks how pleased he will have been to see her so sound asleep.
He told her last night he’d have to be in early this morning. It was the first time in ages he’d even mentioned work. She’s been so self-absorbed, but last night Robert unburdened himself: he had let things pile up at work, he was feeling swamped. Catherine knew how he hated not being on top of things; he needed to be one step ahead so that he could feel in control. If he wasn’t, it made him … well, not quite panic, but certainly become very anxious. He was a lawyer – people relied on him to get things right.
Last night they’d sat up late chatting and she felt, for the first time in ages, that she was actually present. She was shocked when he told her the charity he worked for was about to come in for a grilling by the Parliamentary Treasury Select Committee. They were suspicious of the way government aid had been channelled through some of the charity’s projects.
‘Is it dodgy?’ she asked.
‘No, no, just incompetent,’ he said.
‘Will you have to appear?’
He shook his head. ‘It would be easier if I did though. Somehow I have to make sure none of the directors look like criminals rather than incompetent, well-meaning buffoons.’
‘They’re lucky to have you,’ she said, and took his hand.
When they’d met, Robert had been a lawyer working for the Home Office. He was nearly thirty and she was twenty-two, but he was shy and it had made him seem younger than he was. Catherine was working for a newspaper – her first job. She was ambitious; so was he. They were both determined to get ahead and both of them were doing well. She remembers how surprised she’d been by his openness – he was so unguarded that it had made her feel protective towards him. The first time they’d met he told her he had political ambitions. Those were the words he’d used – a little coy, apologetic. She’d encouraged him to talk. It was the first of many ‘off-the-record’ chats they had in a pub in Stoke Newington: neutral territory, where no one from either of their workplaces would be likely to come. Robert had been a member of the Labour Party since he was a student; so had she, only she’d let her membership lapse, whereas Robert never had. He’d hoped to be selected as a parliamentary candidate – he would have been one of the youngest ever. It had never happened, but she knew it was a desire he still nursed. They’d talked about it last night. He’d smiled, pleased that she’d brought it up, but he’d shaken his head.
‘Nah, not now,’ he said.
‘I’d support you, you know, if that’s what you want.’ It was a relief to think about someone other than herself. She sees it as a sign of her recovery and sits up, leaning against the pillows.
It has been nearly a week since she sent the review and her instincts tell her it was the right thing to do. Stephen Brigstocke needed her acknowledgement. Now he knows that she recognizes what he has been through. It has helped her too, she thinks. Perhaps that’s another reason why she is sleeping better. Writing those words forced her to think about his pain, not just hers. She cannot
19
Early summer 2013
Catherine wakes. She hadn’t remembered falling asleep, but her head tells her she has slept for some time. Her eyes are sticky with it. The bed is empty and light squeezes through the bottom of the blind. She allows her head to sink back on the pillow. The sun warms the room. It must be a nice day out there. It is after ten. Robert left hours ago. She thinks how pleased he will have been to see her so sound asleep.
He told her last night he’d have to be in early this morning. It was the first time in ages he’d even mentioned work. She’s been so self-absorbed, but last night Robert unburdened himself: he had let things pile up at work, he was feeling swamped. Catherine knew how he hated not being on top of things; he needed to be one step ahead so that he could feel in control. If he wasn’t, it made him … well, not quite panic, but certainly become very anxious. He was a lawyer – people relied on him to get things right.
Last night they’d sat up late chatting and she felt, for the first time in ages, that she was actually present. She was shocked when he told her the charity he worked for was about to come in for a grilling by the Parliamentary Treasury Select Committee. They were suspicious of the way government aid had been channelled through some of the charity’s projects.
‘Is it dodgy?’ she asked.
‘No, no, just incompetent,’ he said.
‘Will you have to appear?’
He shook his head. ‘It would be easier if I did though. Somehow I have to make sure none of the directors look like criminals rather than incompetent, well-meaning buffoons.’
‘They’re lucky to have you,’ she said, and took his hand.
When they’d met, Robert had been a lawyer working for the Home Office. He was nearly thirty and she was twenty-two, but he was shy and it had made him seem younger than he was. Catherine was working for a newspaper – her first job. She was ambitious; so was he. They were both determined to get ahead and both of them were doing well. She remembers how surprised she’d been by his openness – he was so unguarded that it had made her feel protective towards him. The first time they’d met he told her he had political ambitions. Those were the words he’d used – a little coy, apologetic. She’d encouraged him to talk. It was the first of many ‘off-the-record’ chats they had in a pub in Stoke Newington: neutral territory, where no one from either of their workplaces would be likely to come. Robert had been a member of the Labour Party since he was a student; so had she, only she’d let her membership lapse, whereas Robert never had. He’d hoped to be selected as a parliamentary candidate – he would have been one of the youngest ever. It had never happened, but she knew it was a desire he still nursed. They’d talked about it last night. He’d smiled, pleased that she’d brought it up, but he’d shaken his head.
‘Nah, not now,’ he said.
‘I’d support you, you know, if that’s what you want.’ It was a relief to think about someone other than herself. She sees it as a sign of her recovery and sits up, leaning against the pillows.
It has been nearly a week since she sent the review and her instincts tell her it was the right thing to do. Stephen Brigstocke needed her acknowledgement. Now he knows that she recognizes what he has been through. It has helped her too, she thinks. Perhaps that’s another reason why she is sleeping better. Writing those words forced her to think about his pain, not just hers. She cannot
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