Diary of a Wimpy Kid (Diary of a Wimpy Kid #1)
Jeff Kinney
SEPTEMBER
Tuesday
First of all, let me get something straight: This is a JOURNAL, not a diary. I know what it says on the cover, but when Mom went out to buy this thing I SPECIFICALLY told her to get one that didn't say "diary" on it.
Great. All I need is for some jerk to catch me carrying this book around and get the wrong idea.
[Image: A cartoon showing a man beating a child.]
The other thing I want to clear up right away is that this was MOM's idea, not mine.
But if she thinks I'm going to write down my "feelings" in here or whatever, she's crazy. So just don't expect me to be all "Dear Diary" this and "Dear Diary" that.
2
The only reason I agreed to do this at all is because I figure later on when I'm rich and famous, I'll have better things to do than answer people's stupid questions all day long. So this book is gonna come in handy.
[Image: A cartoon showing a boy showing his journal to the media.] The caption reads: "Gregory! Tell us about your childhood!.
Were you always so smart and handsome?
Here's my journal. Now shoo, shoo."
Like I said, I'll be famous one day, but for now I'm stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons.
[Image: A cartoon showing a boy sitting between two morons]
3
Let me just say for the record that I think middle school is the dumbest idea ever invented. You got kids like me who haven't hit their growth spurt yet mixed in with these gorillas who need to shave twice a day.
[Image: A cartoon showing a man beating two children.] The Caption Reads: "Outta my way, Runts!"
And then they wonder why bullying is such a big problem in middle school.
If it was up to me, grade levels would be based on height, not age. But then again, I guess that would mean kids like Chirag Gupta would still be in the first grade.
[Image: A cartoon showing a boy.]
4
Today is the first day of school, and right now we're just waiting around for the teacher to hurry up and finish the seating chart. So I figured I might as well write in this book to pass the time.
By the way, let me give you some good advice. On the first day of school, you got to be real careful where you sit. You walk into the classroom and just plunk your stuff down on any old desk and the next thing you know the teacher is saying---
[Image: A cartoon showing a boy sitting between two Morons.] The Caption Reads: "I hope you all like where you're sitting, because these are your permanent seats."
So in this class, I got stuck with Chris Hosey in front of me and Lionel James in back of me.
5
Jason Brill came in late and almost sat to my right, but luckily I stopped that from happening at the last second.
[Image: A cartoon showing a man asking for a seat.] The Caption Reads: "Is this seat taken?
Yes! yes!"
Next period, I should just sit in the middle of a bunch of hot girls as soon as I step in the room. But I guess if I do that, it just proves I didn't learn anything from last year.
[Image: A cartoon showing a girl giving a note to a boy.] The Caption Reads: "Greg, will you please pass this note to Shelly?
Why, certainly! Heh, heh."
6
Man, I don't know WHAT is up with girls these days. It used to be a whole lot simpler back in elementary school. The deal was, if you were the fastest runner in your class, you got all the girls.
And in the fifth grade, the fastest runner was Ronnie McCoy.
[Image: A cartoon showing two girls smiling and a boy running away.]
Nowadays, it's a whole lot more complicated. Now it's about the kind of clothes you wear or how rich you are or if you have a cute butt or whatever. And kids like Ronnie McCoy are scratching their heads wondering what the heck happened.
The most popular boy in my grade is Bryce Anderson. The thing that really stinks is that I have ALWAYS been into girls, but kids like Bryce have only come around in the last couple of years.
7
I remember how Bryce used to act back in elementary school.
[Image: A cartoon
Jeff Kinney
SEPTEMBER
Tuesday
First of all, let me get something straight: This is a JOURNAL, not a diary. I know what it says on the cover, but when Mom went out to buy this thing I SPECIFICALLY told her to get one that didn't say "diary" on it.
Great. All I need is for some jerk to catch me carrying this book around and get the wrong idea.
[Image: A cartoon showing a man beating a child.]
The other thing I want to clear up right away is that this was MOM's idea, not mine.
But if she thinks I'm going to write down my "feelings" in here or whatever, she's crazy. So just don't expect me to be all "Dear Diary" this and "Dear Diary" that.
2
The only reason I agreed to do this at all is because I figure later on when I'm rich and famous, I'll have better things to do than answer people's stupid questions all day long. So this book is gonna come in handy.
[Image: A cartoon showing a boy showing his journal to the media.] The caption reads: "Gregory! Tell us about your childhood!.
Were you always so smart and handsome?
Here's my journal. Now shoo, shoo."
Like I said, I'll be famous one day, but for now I'm stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons.
[Image: A cartoon showing a boy sitting between two morons]
3
Let me just say for the record that I think middle school is the dumbest idea ever invented. You got kids like me who haven't hit their growth spurt yet mixed in with these gorillas who need to shave twice a day.
[Image: A cartoon showing a man beating two children.] The Caption Reads: "Outta my way, Runts!"
And then they wonder why bullying is such a big problem in middle school.
If it was up to me, grade levels would be based on height, not age. But then again, I guess that would mean kids like Chirag Gupta would still be in the first grade.
[Image: A cartoon showing a boy.]
4
Today is the first day of school, and right now we're just waiting around for the teacher to hurry up and finish the seating chart. So I figured I might as well write in this book to pass the time.
By the way, let me give you some good advice. On the first day of school, you got to be real careful where you sit. You walk into the classroom and just plunk your stuff down on any old desk and the next thing you know the teacher is saying---
[Image: A cartoon showing a boy sitting between two Morons.] The Caption Reads: "I hope you all like where you're sitting, because these are your permanent seats."
So in this class, I got stuck with Chris Hosey in front of me and Lionel James in back of me.
5
Jason Brill came in late and almost sat to my right, but luckily I stopped that from happening at the last second.
[Image: A cartoon showing a man asking for a seat.] The Caption Reads: "Is this seat taken?
Yes! yes!"
Next period, I should just sit in the middle of a bunch of hot girls as soon as I step in the room. But I guess if I do that, it just proves I didn't learn anything from last year.
[Image: A cartoon showing a girl giving a note to a boy.] The Caption Reads: "Greg, will you please pass this note to Shelly?
Why, certainly! Heh, heh."
6
Man, I don't know WHAT is up with girls these days. It used to be a whole lot simpler back in elementary school. The deal was, if you were the fastest runner in your class, you got all the girls.
And in the fifth grade, the fastest runner was Ronnie McCoy.
[Image: A cartoon showing two girls smiling and a boy running away.]
Nowadays, it's a whole lot more complicated. Now it's about the kind of clothes you wear or how rich you are or if you have a cute butt or whatever. And kids like Ronnie McCoy are scratching their heads wondering what the heck happened.
The most popular boy in my grade is Bryce Anderson. The thing that really stinks is that I have ALWAYS been into girls, but kids like Bryce have only come around in the last couple of years.
7
I remember how Bryce used to act back in elementary school.
[Image: A cartoon
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