Diary of a Dork - Articles of Sarcasm and Irreverence by Michael Cargill

Diary of a
Dork
Articles of
Sarcasm and Irreverence
    by Michael
Cargill

    This is my very
first book of any kind and, in true amateur fashion, it is probably
rather rough round the edges but I enjoyed writing it so I hope
that at least one person enjoys reading it. This is mostly a kind
of toe-in-the-water testing thing and if people like it I can have
a look at coming up with more material in the future. Whether it
will be more of the same kind of thing or something completely
different will depend on many things. I am making this book
available for free so if you paid any money for it I can tell you
with confidence that none of it will be making it's way into the
pockets of either myself, the taxman or the taxman's
subsidiaries.
    Comments and
feedback of any kind can be emailed to me at
[email protected]

    Diary of a
Dork
    Published by
Michael Cargill at Smashwords
    Copyright 2011
Michael Cargill

Dear
diary

    This week has been
rather eventful for me and that is something I really like
nowadays. The first thing that happened was when I accidentally
snapped my favourite stick whilst wandering around the house
pretending to be blind. Role-playing as a blind person is something
I often do because I want to see how blind people do things like
surf the Internet, make a cup of tea and write swear words on a
cardboard box. My research has shown me that being blind is a bit
rubbish but not as rubbish as losing your favourite stick whilst
pretending to be blind. I can't imagine anything that is more
rubbish than that except maybe if your arms got chopped off whilst
out shopping for Hob Nobs and you weren't able to put your hand out
for the bus on the way home.

    The next day I
went out into the garden to see if I could invent a game using only
the worms, weeds and rhubarb leaves that are out there. At first it
was good fun because I used the weeds as a source of power that the
worms had to try and destroy but after three hours I realised that
I had been sitting on ants nest and I was bitten all over. I would
have probably noticed this earlier but I thought the pain was just
sunburn or acid rain or something.

    Talking of games I
remember when I used to go round a cousin’s house and play
Monopoly. Monopoly is really popular back home in South Africa and
there is a special South African edition of it. It has all the
famous South African streets like Akrabamk Road, Shotgun Avenue and
even Mugger's Alley. There are ‘AIDs victim society’ cards instead
of those Community Chest cards and rather than going to jail you
get sent to the kidnapper’s den.
    *****

Steve Dog can
handle himself

    Hi my name is
Steve Dog and if there is one thing that has always defined me it
is my ability to handle myself in just about any situation. I have
released two information videos over the years - ‘Nunchuck Express:
A tale of a man’s dream to master the use of ‘chucks in a taxi cab’
and ‘Dog Master: How to dress up as a dog for fancy dress without
falling down the stairs’. All my fans have said that it is clear
right from the get go that I can handle myself really really
well.

    It all started a
few years back when I was in town and spotted some old doris being
bothered by a ponce holding a clipboard. Said ponce kept asking her
about changing gas suppliers or something and it got me so mad that
I just went up to the geezer and headbutted him so fucking hard
that his eyebrows flew off into space. Literally into space I tell
you and I know this ‘cos some bloke from NASA came round to my
house and asked me what my secret was. I told him to get lost and
he did.

    I got invited to a
dinner party the other month and when I sat down they gave me a
bowl with some pink, soppy shite in it. I went fucking ballistic
and asked where the bastard hell my baked beans were. They told me
that in the bowl was a prawn cocktail but that sounded like
bollocks to me. I have eaten loads of packets of Skips crisps over
the years and they make your