him.
“I’m confused.” he says, “Please just tell me.”
“I kissed you, I fucking kissed you and for the first time in my life the desire and hope I felt outweighed the revulsion, the instinct I have to throw up all over the place and yet it still wasn’t enough.”
“Calvin, I’m confused.”
“It wasn’t enough to get me hard,” I say through gritted teeth and he looks down at his own crotch and back up.
“Shit, Cal, I…fuck, I can’t help it.”
I grab two fists full of my hair in frustration. “Argh. I know that. I know you can’t help it, I know I turn you on, I know that you want me and I…I can’t even get a goddamn erection from it. I can’t even…please, just go. I can’t do this anymore tonight.”
His face falls, defeat all over it and in his body language. “We’re not done. I won’t let this come between us. You didn’t get hard? So what, Calvin. I was half hard when you kissed me because I was so fucking excited that you actually put your lips on me, a thousand times more excited because you didn’t throw up all over me. I cannot help that I got hard when the person I’ve longed to kiss for years was finally kissing me. So what if you didn’t get a damn hard-on, Calvin, this is not a goddamn race here. I don’t fucking expect you to turn off all the shit you’ve been through in one night. I don’t expect you to just fall to your knees and start sucking my cock and I certainly do not expect this to just magically happen between us. It doesn’t work that way. But damn it, you cannot get pissed off at me because I got a hard-on from kissing you. If you do that, this will never work between us.”
“Please leave,” I breathe.
“No.” He shakes his head.
"I'M not leaving." His voice is unyielding.
My entire body is trembling, but I can't tell what is winning out, fear and nerves or excitement. "I'm not worth all this trouble."
I watch as his hands fist once again and he slowly rises to his feet. The phrase ‘if looks could kill' comes to mind. "Do not ever say that to me again."
"Think about it, Eric. Think about it really hard because this is not going to be an easy journey. I am not just magically going to be physically okay with all this. Because believe me, Eric, I've tried. I've tried so fucking hard over the years to just wash it all away; throw everything to the wind and walk right up and wrap my arms around you." My body starts to shake harder, sweat forms on my brow and my stomach churns as I think about all the times I so desperately wanted to do those things to him. I swallow hard as he watches me closely.
"It's happening right now, isn't it?"
I wrap my arms around my stomach and cower into the wall behind me. "Yes," I breathe.
"Why? You're there and I'm here."
I just shake my head as I swallow hard. Panic overwhelms me as I worry that I'm going to make an ass out of myself by becoming sick. I just tap my head, trying to convey to him that I'm thinking about him, thinking about what I've just said to him.
"You're thinking?" I nod in answer. "About what?" I point to him. "Thinking about me makes you sick."
I let out the breath I was holding in and mutter, "Imagining." I swallow again and clear my throat, attempting to dispel the raw acid feeling. "Kissing you," I breathe.
"But you just…"
"I know, I know I just…but I…" I swallow hard once more.
"Jesus Cal, you're white as a ghost." He takes a step toward me, then another, I begin frantically shaking my head back and forth as dinner starts creeping up my throat.
"Don't, god." I cover my mouth and he freezes, backing away from me.
"I will never hurt you, Calvin." His voice is laced with anguish.
"I believe you," I tell him as the churning in my stomach settles down when he takes a seat on the couch. "You don't scare me, Eric, you've never scared me. Please," I beg him, "Please never think that you scare me, because you
“I’m confused.” he says, “Please just tell me.”
“I kissed you, I fucking kissed you and for the first time in my life the desire and hope I felt outweighed the revulsion, the instinct I have to throw up all over the place and yet it still wasn’t enough.”
“Calvin, I’m confused.”
“It wasn’t enough to get me hard,” I say through gritted teeth and he looks down at his own crotch and back up.
“Shit, Cal, I…fuck, I can’t help it.”
I grab two fists full of my hair in frustration. “Argh. I know that. I know you can’t help it, I know I turn you on, I know that you want me and I…I can’t even get a goddamn erection from it. I can’t even…please, just go. I can’t do this anymore tonight.”
His face falls, defeat all over it and in his body language. “We’re not done. I won’t let this come between us. You didn’t get hard? So what, Calvin. I was half hard when you kissed me because I was so fucking excited that you actually put your lips on me, a thousand times more excited because you didn’t throw up all over me. I cannot help that I got hard when the person I’ve longed to kiss for years was finally kissing me. So what if you didn’t get a damn hard-on, Calvin, this is not a goddamn race here. I don’t fucking expect you to turn off all the shit you’ve been through in one night. I don’t expect you to just fall to your knees and start sucking my cock and I certainly do not expect this to just magically happen between us. It doesn’t work that way. But damn it, you cannot get pissed off at me because I got a hard-on from kissing you. If you do that, this will never work between us.”
“Please leave,” I breathe.
“No.” He shakes his head.
"I'M not leaving." His voice is unyielding.
My entire body is trembling, but I can't tell what is winning out, fear and nerves or excitement. "I'm not worth all this trouble."
I watch as his hands fist once again and he slowly rises to his feet. The phrase ‘if looks could kill' comes to mind. "Do not ever say that to me again."
"Think about it, Eric. Think about it really hard because this is not going to be an easy journey. I am not just magically going to be physically okay with all this. Because believe me, Eric, I've tried. I've tried so fucking hard over the years to just wash it all away; throw everything to the wind and walk right up and wrap my arms around you." My body starts to shake harder, sweat forms on my brow and my stomach churns as I think about all the times I so desperately wanted to do those things to him. I swallow hard as he watches me closely.
"It's happening right now, isn't it?"
I wrap my arms around my stomach and cower into the wall behind me. "Yes," I breathe.
"Why? You're there and I'm here."
I just shake my head as I swallow hard. Panic overwhelms me as I worry that I'm going to make an ass out of myself by becoming sick. I just tap my head, trying to convey to him that I'm thinking about him, thinking about what I've just said to him.
"You're thinking?" I nod in answer. "About what?" I point to him. "Thinking about me makes you sick."
I let out the breath I was holding in and mutter, "Imagining." I swallow again and clear my throat, attempting to dispel the raw acid feeling. "Kissing you," I breathe.
"But you just…"
"I know, I know I just…but I…" I swallow hard once more.
"Jesus Cal, you're white as a ghost." He takes a step toward me, then another, I begin frantically shaking my head back and forth as dinner starts creeping up my throat.
"Don't, god." I cover my mouth and he freezes, backing away from me.
"I will never hurt you, Calvin." His voice is laced with anguish.
"I believe you," I tell him as the churning in my stomach settles down when he takes a seat on the couch. "You don't scare me, Eric, you've never scared me. Please," I beg him, "Please never think that you scare me, because you
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