thousands of people lost their jobs in the process. The happiness about all this was short-lived, of course, so I had to do some more raiding. That’s what I did. That’s how I found short-lived glee after I lost the ability to torment my family. It helped that my company was benefitting greatly from my cold-hearted ruthlessness, but that really was not why I was doing it.
It wasn’t until I was forced out of my job that I began to realize what a sadistic monster I was. I was no longer able to get my short-term fix of making others miserable. I, of course, howled about how unjust it all was. The company was experiencing a downturn because the country was experiencing a downturn, and I was scapegoated. After all I did for them!
It turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I decided to travel the world, and, after I traveled all through Europe, South America and Australia, I ended up in Asia. I found an Ashram, and spent several years there while converting to Hinduism.
It was there, through meditation and prayer, that I started to understand myself. I made peace with my own sadistic father, who regularly sexually abused me from the age of 5, and my mother, who knew what was going on, and did nothing to stop it. They, of course, were very wealthy, very old money, so nobody would have ever believed me if I said anything. So, I never did. I got some satisfaction in inheriting their billions after they died, but only because their money helped me perpetuate their sadism, by making their sadism my own. I also thank God that I was expected to go to boarding school at the age of 10, which means that I was able to get away from my father for good. By then, I was so filled with rage that I caused trouble wherever I went.
I did try to be good, though. Like Dorian Gray, there was always a seed that wanted to be good, but, like Dorian Gray, that seed never took root. When I met your mother on a trip to Ireland when I was 22 and fresh out of Yale, I thought that I finally found my key to happiness. She was so angelic and full of spit and vinegar at the same time. Of course, looking back, she was a possession for me, a beautiful possession. No different than the Van Gogh I acquired, or all the companies I looted. When she was diagnosed with schizophrenia, she became utterly useless to me, so I threw her away. As I would any defective possession. I am deeply ashamed of that mentality now, but that was how I thought at the time.
But you…It took me a long time, and many years of meditation while on the Ashram, to try to come to terms on why I treated you the way that I did. You always had the kindness and beauty of your mother. And I hated you for that. I hated you because you were everything that I could never be. You were loving and compassionate, where I was hard and cruel. I wanted you to be hard and cruel as well, so that is why I abused you. That is why I forced you to take part in my sick games. I wanted you to be like me – filled with self-loathing, calculating, and ruthless.
Of course, I never did make you hard and cruel. I learned about your drug problem, and took some satisfaction in that. As sick as that sounds. But cruelty just wasn’t in your constitution. I continued to hate you for not becoming like me, up until I spent those years finding peace in India.
Cruel irony. When I got back to the States, I was determined to make amends to you, Sarah and Margaret. It was then that I found out about my diagnosis. I had been losing weight, not eating, and coughing for a period of months. By the time I went to the doctor about my symptoms, I was already in Stage 4. I have not been responding to treatment thus far, and it seems that, barring a miracle, I do not have much time left.
I have sent for you and Sarah. I am very sorry for all of the publicity you have garnered, by the way. I feel responsible for that, as well, because I was responsible for your getting mixed up with that rotten Ms. Anderson in the
It wasn’t until I was forced out of my job that I began to realize what a sadistic monster I was. I was no longer able to get my short-term fix of making others miserable. I, of course, howled about how unjust it all was. The company was experiencing a downturn because the country was experiencing a downturn, and I was scapegoated. After all I did for them!
It turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I decided to travel the world, and, after I traveled all through Europe, South America and Australia, I ended up in Asia. I found an Ashram, and spent several years there while converting to Hinduism.
It was there, through meditation and prayer, that I started to understand myself. I made peace with my own sadistic father, who regularly sexually abused me from the age of 5, and my mother, who knew what was going on, and did nothing to stop it. They, of course, were very wealthy, very old money, so nobody would have ever believed me if I said anything. So, I never did. I got some satisfaction in inheriting their billions after they died, but only because their money helped me perpetuate their sadism, by making their sadism my own. I also thank God that I was expected to go to boarding school at the age of 10, which means that I was able to get away from my father for good. By then, I was so filled with rage that I caused trouble wherever I went.
I did try to be good, though. Like Dorian Gray, there was always a seed that wanted to be good, but, like Dorian Gray, that seed never took root. When I met your mother on a trip to Ireland when I was 22 and fresh out of Yale, I thought that I finally found my key to happiness. She was so angelic and full of spit and vinegar at the same time. Of course, looking back, she was a possession for me, a beautiful possession. No different than the Van Gogh I acquired, or all the companies I looted. When she was diagnosed with schizophrenia, she became utterly useless to me, so I threw her away. As I would any defective possession. I am deeply ashamed of that mentality now, but that was how I thought at the time.
But you…It took me a long time, and many years of meditation while on the Ashram, to try to come to terms on why I treated you the way that I did. You always had the kindness and beauty of your mother. And I hated you for that. I hated you because you were everything that I could never be. You were loving and compassionate, where I was hard and cruel. I wanted you to be hard and cruel as well, so that is why I abused you. That is why I forced you to take part in my sick games. I wanted you to be like me – filled with self-loathing, calculating, and ruthless.
Of course, I never did make you hard and cruel. I learned about your drug problem, and took some satisfaction in that. As sick as that sounds. But cruelty just wasn’t in your constitution. I continued to hate you for not becoming like me, up until I spent those years finding peace in India.
Cruel irony. When I got back to the States, I was determined to make amends to you, Sarah and Margaret. It was then that I found out about my diagnosis. I had been losing weight, not eating, and coughing for a period of months. By the time I went to the doctor about my symptoms, I was already in Stage 4. I have not been responding to treatment thus far, and it seems that, barring a miracle, I do not have much time left.
I have sent for you and Sarah. I am very sorry for all of the publicity you have garnered, by the way. I feel responsible for that, as well, because I was responsible for your getting mixed up with that rotten Ms. Anderson in the
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