sure didn’t pee in the bidet, ha ha!”
So the question is, what
are
you supposed to do with a bidet? The answer is:
wash your private parts
. Really. Now I know what you’re thinking,as an American. You’re thinking: Wait a minute! Don’t they wash their private parts in the
shower?
The shocking answer is: no. Studies show that Europeans hardly ever even
take
showers. Highly sophisticated European cultures such as the French also wear the same underwear several days in a row, to the point where individual jockey shorts, when they are finally removed for laundering, have to be subdued with hammers. Thus you can easily see the need for some kind of major hygiene unit in the European bathroom, although you yourself, as an unsophisticated shower-taking American, don’t need to bother with it. But to avoid offending your European hosts, you should at
pretend
that you used it when you emerge from the bathroom. “Boy!” you should say. “My private parts are clean as a whistle!” (“Garçon! Mes partes de privatude sont net comme un sifflet!”)
SPECIFIC NATIONS IN EUROPE
As we mentioned earlier, Europe is actually made up of specific nations. Although most of them belong to the European Economic Community (NATO)—a multinational organization that administers tariffs, trade, bowling banquets, etc.—each nation has its own customs, traditions, and hand gestures. So the remainder of this chapter will be devoted to a country-by-countrybreakdown, including helpful tips and points of interest. Although we have made every effort to ensure that this information is both timely and accurate, please bear in mind that (1) conditions are subject to change, and (2) we are a big fat liar.
Austria
Austria is a very wonderful country that we have fond memories of despite the fact that, when we went there, virtually every single person we dealt with tried to shortchange us. We’re sure that this was just a fluke, and we are certainly not going to dwell, in this fair and unbiased travel book, upon the fact that
virtually every single person we dealt with in Austria tried to shortchange us
. “Let bygones be bygones,” is our motto. Also several times people yelled at us for jaywalking. This will happen to you, in the stricter nations. People over there haven’t had a chance to develop an appreciation for American-style democracy, where it says right in the
Constitution
that you can jaywalk. But aside from the strictness and the
CONSTANT SHORTCHANGING
we found Austria to be a really wonderful place, really, even if they did accuse us, in a particularly nasty manner, of not having paid the rental-car deposit, and then, after a lengthy argument in which it finally became clear that we
had
paid it, they did not apologize at all, but in fact got even
nastier
, not that this is important, any more than the
SHORTCHANGING EPIDEMIC
that appeared to be sweeping the nation when we were there. Because the truth is that Austria has many really wonderful attractions, which unfortunately because of space constraints we are unable to list here.
AUSTRIA FACTS AT A GLANCE
Currency Unit: The
Pflugenhaffenlepzeigenhohenzollern (or “Winkie”)
Language: Foreign
Tipping: Not Permitted
Littering Punishable By: Death
Alps: Yes
Taco Bells: No
Belgium
Belgium is a small nation containing people who call themselves—this is true—“Walloons.” They are not ashamed of this at all. “I myself am a Walloon” is the kind of thing they say all the time. It’s called “Walloon Pride.” Belgium also contains people who call themselves “Flemings,” although fortunately there is no actual place called “Flem.” The result of this fascinating cultural mix is that Belgium has a number of official languages, including French, Dutch, German, Italian, Spanish, Greek, Latin, Cajun, Moldavian, and Frantic Arm Gestures.
HISTORY: Because of poor planning on the part of its first king, Roger XVIXMN (1606-present), Belgium was originally
So the question is, what
are
you supposed to do with a bidet? The answer is:
wash your private parts
. Really. Now I know what you’re thinking,as an American. You’re thinking: Wait a minute! Don’t they wash their private parts in the
shower?
The shocking answer is: no. Studies show that Europeans hardly ever even
take
showers. Highly sophisticated European cultures such as the French also wear the same underwear several days in a row, to the point where individual jockey shorts, when they are finally removed for laundering, have to be subdued with hammers. Thus you can easily see the need for some kind of major hygiene unit in the European bathroom, although you yourself, as an unsophisticated shower-taking American, don’t need to bother with it. But to avoid offending your European hosts, you should at
pretend
that you used it when you emerge from the bathroom. “Boy!” you should say. “My private parts are clean as a whistle!” (“Garçon! Mes partes de privatude sont net comme un sifflet!”)
SPECIFIC NATIONS IN EUROPE
As we mentioned earlier, Europe is actually made up of specific nations. Although most of them belong to the European Economic Community (NATO)—a multinational organization that administers tariffs, trade, bowling banquets, etc.—each nation has its own customs, traditions, and hand gestures. So the remainder of this chapter will be devoted to a country-by-countrybreakdown, including helpful tips and points of interest. Although we have made every effort to ensure that this information is both timely and accurate, please bear in mind that (1) conditions are subject to change, and (2) we are a big fat liar.
Austria
Austria is a very wonderful country that we have fond memories of despite the fact that, when we went there, virtually every single person we dealt with tried to shortchange us. We’re sure that this was just a fluke, and we are certainly not going to dwell, in this fair and unbiased travel book, upon the fact that
virtually every single person we dealt with in Austria tried to shortchange us
. “Let bygones be bygones,” is our motto. Also several times people yelled at us for jaywalking. This will happen to you, in the stricter nations. People over there haven’t had a chance to develop an appreciation for American-style democracy, where it says right in the
Constitution
that you can jaywalk. But aside from the strictness and the
CONSTANT SHORTCHANGING
we found Austria to be a really wonderful place, really, even if they did accuse us, in a particularly nasty manner, of not having paid the rental-car deposit, and then, after a lengthy argument in which it finally became clear that we
had
paid it, they did not apologize at all, but in fact got even
nastier
, not that this is important, any more than the
SHORTCHANGING EPIDEMIC
that appeared to be sweeping the nation when we were there. Because the truth is that Austria has many really wonderful attractions, which unfortunately because of space constraints we are unable to list here.
AUSTRIA FACTS AT A GLANCE
Currency Unit: The
Pflugenhaffenlepzeigenhohenzollern (or “Winkie”)
Language: Foreign
Tipping: Not Permitted
Littering Punishable By: Death
Alps: Yes
Taco Bells: No
Belgium
Belgium is a small nation containing people who call themselves—this is true—“Walloons.” They are not ashamed of this at all. “I myself am a Walloon” is the kind of thing they say all the time. It’s called “Walloon Pride.” Belgium also contains people who call themselves “Flemings,” although fortunately there is no actual place called “Flem.” The result of this fascinating cultural mix is that Belgium has a number of official languages, including French, Dutch, German, Italian, Spanish, Greek, Latin, Cajun, Moldavian, and Frantic Arm Gestures.
HISTORY: Because of poor planning on the part of its first king, Roger XVIXMN (1606-present), Belgium was originally
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