reality.”
Lucky stared at me, never looking away for a second. “You’re wrong,” he said finally. “That is sad. Fuckin’ tragic. That that’s what you think. Jesus, Shakespeare could’ve written a play about that shit.” He moved forward to cup my cheeks gently. “That the world could not only give you a shit hand, but think you, someone like you, deserves it?” He shook his head. “Fuckin’ tragedy.”
Then he leaned in to place a gentle kiss on my head before yanking me into the crook of his shoulder, circling his arms around me.
I was going to protest, try to escape his arms, but then I didn’t. I was tired of fighting myself, so I decided to surrender to him. At least for the night. The morning would bring the light of day and hopefully I would have found enough strength in my slumber to fight him off.
Chapter Six
“ T here’s no drug on Earth that can make life meaningful .”
- Sarah Kane
I don’t need a fix . I don’t need a fix.
That was my mantra, my fucking prayer. Playing on repeat while sweat trickled done the corner of my forehead and I struggled to keep my body from shaking
“Do you take Asher Breslin to be your lawful wedded husband?”
Yeah. I was thinking about shooting up while standing beside my best friend in a beautiful dress her mother bought her before she died. Craving oblivion while my sister finally got her happy ever after.
“I do.”
I don’t need a fix.
I would say I was going to hell, but I was already fucking there. Trapped in my own body, suffering and mentally flagellating myself for being so fucking self-deprecating on the best day of Lily’s life. I had my own little Hades inside my skull.
I squeezed my hands around the bouquet of flowers, taunting me with their beauty when all I wanted was filth in my hands to shoot into my veins.
“You may kiss the bride.”
For one second, beautiful clarity, the thing I’d taken for granted before, settled over me. I was freed from the clutches of the monster that had its grip on my soul to watch Asher grasp Lily and lay a hot and heavy one on her that was so not a chaste kiss. I found it in myself to grin. A real one. Happiness shined through the cracks of my damaged soul because if there was one thing I loved more than heroin, it was Lily. My kind and loving best friend.
And she was happy.
She was free.
For that split second, so was I. And then, for the second after, when Lucky’s hazel eyes met mine, I was something else. Not free, but not held captive by something twisted and ugly. I was clutched by the promise in those eyes, the potential. Held hostage by a beautiful dream.
Then it was gone.
Reality burst back in at such a speed my teeth chattered together and the itch came back full force.
The cocktail of the need for my fix coupled with my disgust in myself and happiness for Lily reached a bottleneck, and traitorous tears leaked from my eyes.
Tears!
I hadn’t cried since… since that night I curled up under dirty sheets, after my childish innocence had been stolen and I thought tears were something useful. That someone might hear my sobs and tear me away from the life that had become a nightmare.
No one did. That night I realized tears were useless, and I never cried again.
Until now.
And I was wearing winged eyeliner. It would fuck up my whole look. Who was I kidding? I was already a total mess; smudged makeup wouldn’t do much to make me look worse. I already was worse.
I hastily wiped my eyes and glanced at Lily, who was getting swallowed by Lucky.
“I love you,” she mouthed.
I tried my best to chase away my demons and let the warmth of this moment swallow me up. “I love you too,” I mouthed back.
“No party,” Asher growled, his rough voice puncturing the soft moment.
I tried to hide my grin, a real one as Lucky looked like Asher had just ran over his puppy. I also tried to ignore how the ensuing bickering over the need for a party to celebrate Asher and Lily’s nuptials
Lucky stared at me, never looking away for a second. “You’re wrong,” he said finally. “That is sad. Fuckin’ tragic. That that’s what you think. Jesus, Shakespeare could’ve written a play about that shit.” He moved forward to cup my cheeks gently. “That the world could not only give you a shit hand, but think you, someone like you, deserves it?” He shook his head. “Fuckin’ tragedy.”
Then he leaned in to place a gentle kiss on my head before yanking me into the crook of his shoulder, circling his arms around me.
I was going to protest, try to escape his arms, but then I didn’t. I was tired of fighting myself, so I decided to surrender to him. At least for the night. The morning would bring the light of day and hopefully I would have found enough strength in my slumber to fight him off.
Chapter Six
“ T here’s no drug on Earth that can make life meaningful .”
- Sarah Kane
I don’t need a fix . I don’t need a fix.
That was my mantra, my fucking prayer. Playing on repeat while sweat trickled done the corner of my forehead and I struggled to keep my body from shaking
“Do you take Asher Breslin to be your lawful wedded husband?”
Yeah. I was thinking about shooting up while standing beside my best friend in a beautiful dress her mother bought her before she died. Craving oblivion while my sister finally got her happy ever after.
“I do.”
I don’t need a fix.
I would say I was going to hell, but I was already fucking there. Trapped in my own body, suffering and mentally flagellating myself for being so fucking self-deprecating on the best day of Lily’s life. I had my own little Hades inside my skull.
I squeezed my hands around the bouquet of flowers, taunting me with their beauty when all I wanted was filth in my hands to shoot into my veins.
“You may kiss the bride.”
For one second, beautiful clarity, the thing I’d taken for granted before, settled over me. I was freed from the clutches of the monster that had its grip on my soul to watch Asher grasp Lily and lay a hot and heavy one on her that was so not a chaste kiss. I found it in myself to grin. A real one. Happiness shined through the cracks of my damaged soul because if there was one thing I loved more than heroin, it was Lily. My kind and loving best friend.
And she was happy.
She was free.
For that split second, so was I. And then, for the second after, when Lucky’s hazel eyes met mine, I was something else. Not free, but not held captive by something twisted and ugly. I was clutched by the promise in those eyes, the potential. Held hostage by a beautiful dream.
Then it was gone.
Reality burst back in at such a speed my teeth chattered together and the itch came back full force.
The cocktail of the need for my fix coupled with my disgust in myself and happiness for Lily reached a bottleneck, and traitorous tears leaked from my eyes.
Tears!
I hadn’t cried since… since that night I curled up under dirty sheets, after my childish innocence had been stolen and I thought tears were something useful. That someone might hear my sobs and tear me away from the life that had become a nightmare.
No one did. That night I realized tears were useless, and I never cried again.
Until now.
And I was wearing winged eyeliner. It would fuck up my whole look. Who was I kidding? I was already a total mess; smudged makeup wouldn’t do much to make me look worse. I already was worse.
I hastily wiped my eyes and glanced at Lily, who was getting swallowed by Lucky.
“I love you,” she mouthed.
I tried my best to chase away my demons and let the warmth of this moment swallow me up. “I love you too,” I mouthed back.
“No party,” Asher growled, his rough voice puncturing the soft moment.
I tried to hide my grin, a real one as Lucky looked like Asher had just ran over his puppy. I also tried to ignore how the ensuing bickering over the need for a party to celebrate Asher and Lily’s nuptials
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