Dark Moonlighting by Scott Haworth Page A

multiple personality
disorder?”
    “Multiplicative perspicacity disorder?” Sam
said, trying to make sense of the words.
    “Multiple personality,” Kelley corrected.
“That’s not a difficult medical term! When did the doctors find out
that there was more than one person in your brain?”
    Sam looked utterly confused. “M-m-more than
one person? How could that be? Mister, I’m afraid I d-d-don’t know
what you’re talking about. I can tell ya that I didn’t see many
healers during my life. My mama and pappy couldn’t afford any fancy
health insurance.”
    “All right, then when did you first meet
Richard,” Kelley asked, trying a new tactic.
    “Who’s Richard?”
    “Ah!” Kelley shouted in annoyance. He quickly
regained his composure after a stern look from Judge Yoest. “Let’s
start simple then. You said you went to a restaurant called
McGruffy’s for dinner. Isn’t it true that McGruffy’s isn’t really a
restaurant? Isn’t McGruffy’s actually just a dive bar that happens
to have a George Foreman Grill in the back?”
    “Objection,” I said. “Leading the
witness.”
    “Mr. Norton,” Kelley started again before
Judge Yoest could rule on the objection. “Could you describe what
type of establishment McGruffy’s is?”
    “I d-d-don’t know whatcha mean,” my client
answered. “I took my pappy to McGruffy’s because he likes their
chicken w-w-wings. It’s just a good place to eat and sit a
spell.”
    Kelley forgot his persona and turned to glare
at Sam Norton. His casual look dissolved into a rigid stance, and
the balled fists at his side began to shake slightly with rage.
    “What kind of drink did you order?” the
opposing attorney demanded through clenched teeth.
    “’Twas so long a-a-ago… I’m afraid I can’t
remember,” my client responded nervously.
    “Did you order a beer?” Kelley demanded.
    “Objection,” I said. “Asked and
answered.”
    “Sustained,” Judge Yoest said.
    “Did you order a whiskey?” Kelley
continued.
    “Your Honor,” I said in disgust. “Again,
objection. Asked and answered.”
    “Sustained,” Judge Yoest said as she warned
the prosecutor with a dirty look. “The prosecution will move
on.”
    Kelley was past the tipping point now though,
and he was not to be dissuaded. “Did you order the Code
Red ?” he screamed in Sam Norton’s face.
    “What?” Sam asked
    “For your drink! Did you order a Mountain
Dew Code Red ?” Kelley clarified.
    “Your Honor, this is completely—” I
began.
    Judge Yoest interrupted me before I could
properly show my abhorrence. “Mr. Kelley, you are completely out of
line. If you do not move on from this line of questioning I will
hold you in contempt of court.”
    Kelley did not respond, but rather ran his
hand across the top of his head and sighed in exasperation. He
paced back and forth in front of the witness stand as he struggled
to control his temper. He had attempted to elicit an angry reaction
from my client, but had only managed to push himself over the
edge.
    Christina leaned over and whispered into my
ear, “He’s intense.”
    “He’s under a lot of pressure,” I said. “He’s
having some personal trouble with his fake mistress.”
    “Ah,” Christina responded as if my
explanation actually made sense to her.
    “Mr. Norton, were you aware on the day of
your father’s death that he had purchased a life insurance policy
less than three weeks prior?” Kelley asked after partially
regaining his composure.
    “N-n-no, sir. I never did pay too much
attention to the family’s finances. P-p-pappy always said I had
less sense about math than a raccoon in a badger hole.”
    “How colorful,” the prosecutor said. “Would
it surprise you to learn that you were the sole beneficiary of that
life insurance policy?”
    “Mole penitentiary of a life insurance
policy?” my client asked, struggling to make sense of the
words.
    “You g-g-goddamn hick!” Kelley mocked.
“Nobody is that folksy