joke, because chili was pretty much all she ever made —but the energy that had carried him this far seemed to have evaporated. The sight of the reddish sauce in the pan, the spatters on the white enamel of the stove, brought the nightmare from earlier bursting back in front of his eyes.
“ I’m not hungry. I think I’ll take a shower.”
“ That’s a good idea.”
He didn ’t resist as Lei took his hand, leading him into the bathroom—he understood her need to connect with him in the oldest way in the world. He wanted to as well, but felt muffled somehow, wrapped in cotton batting, unable to respond as she kissed him and touched him. He didn’t resist as she undressed him, kissing her way down his torso, playing with the button of his jeans. Kneeling before him, she looked up at him, a position that had never failed to arouse him before. Today he felt nothing but a slight embarrassment for both of them.
“ Are you okay?” Lei asked.
“ I don’t think so,” he said. “I can’t.”
“ I understand.” Lei undressed briskly in that un-self-conscious way she had, tossing the clothes in the hamper and walking into the shower. He followed, more slowly, realizing it wasn’t normal for him to want another shower after his earlier lengthy one, but still longing to feel clean. She sat him on the bench and this time she washed him, head to toe, with the washcloth and shampooed his hair herself.
He didn ’t feel any cleaner than he had before, after his long scrub-down earlier.
Sitting in the living room, he was grateful for Keiki ’s solid bulk as the dog seemed to sense something was wrong and pressed close to him as he sat on the couch. He drank a beer but refused the chili. Lei ate hers and finally set her bowl on the coffee table, picking up her beer.
“ Where do we start? I want the whole story of what happened.”
He took a sip, and the glass lip of the bottle rattled against his teeth. “ I don’t want to go there again today.”
She gave him a level stare. “ I need to know. Just the bare bones.”
“ Anchara called me and asked me to come help her.” He filled in the events. “Omura got a call while I was still in the interview room, confirming the baby is mine, and he’s on Oahu at the neonatal unit.”
“ About that. What are we going to do about that?”
“ That? You mean the baby. My baby.” He felt his neck getting hot. He knew it was unreasonable, but he didn’t like her tone.
“ Anchara’s baby, that you knew nothing about, and as far as I’m concerned, have no responsibility for.” Lei’s eyes widened and she clapped a hand over her mouth as if she wished she could take back the words, but they’d been said.
“ I was wondering how you’d feel about this.”
“ Less than thrilled, to be honest.” She got up, an abrupt movement, and carried the bowl into the kitchen. He heard loud and unnecessary splashing and crashing from the kitchen sink.
He knew he should follow her, say something, offer comfort. He couldn ’t find the energy. Every time he shut his eyes, he saw Anchara, her mouth moving, her hand reaching, that belly, astonishingly large, emerging from the pool of blood she lay in. Whatever they were going through was nothing compared to her suffering, her death.
Stevens set the empty beer bottle down. He got up and went to the little wooden bar where they kept other kinds of booze for when company came over. He took out a bottle of scotch.
His alcoholic mom’s drink of choice. Maybe it held some secret cure he’d missed. He splashed four fingers into one of the glasses and downed it in two searing gulps.
Lei returned, wiping her hands on a dishtowel. She watched him as he refilled the glass. “ I’m sorry.” Her voice was low, trembling. “I didn’t mean it. It’s not the baby’s fault. You’re his father. He needs a home, and he should come to us.”
Stevens turned toward her. The alcohol had lit a fire in his belly, steadying the tremble of
“ I’m not hungry. I think I’ll take a shower.”
“ That’s a good idea.”
He didn ’t resist as Lei took his hand, leading him into the bathroom—he understood her need to connect with him in the oldest way in the world. He wanted to as well, but felt muffled somehow, wrapped in cotton batting, unable to respond as she kissed him and touched him. He didn’t resist as she undressed him, kissing her way down his torso, playing with the button of his jeans. Kneeling before him, she looked up at him, a position that had never failed to arouse him before. Today he felt nothing but a slight embarrassment for both of them.
“ Are you okay?” Lei asked.
“ I don’t think so,” he said. “I can’t.”
“ I understand.” Lei undressed briskly in that un-self-conscious way she had, tossing the clothes in the hamper and walking into the shower. He followed, more slowly, realizing it wasn’t normal for him to want another shower after his earlier lengthy one, but still longing to feel clean. She sat him on the bench and this time she washed him, head to toe, with the washcloth and shampooed his hair herself.
He didn ’t feel any cleaner than he had before, after his long scrub-down earlier.
Sitting in the living room, he was grateful for Keiki ’s solid bulk as the dog seemed to sense something was wrong and pressed close to him as he sat on the couch. He drank a beer but refused the chili. Lei ate hers and finally set her bowl on the coffee table, picking up her beer.
“ Where do we start? I want the whole story of what happened.”
He took a sip, and the glass lip of the bottle rattled against his teeth. “ I don’t want to go there again today.”
She gave him a level stare. “ I need to know. Just the bare bones.”
“ Anchara called me and asked me to come help her.” He filled in the events. “Omura got a call while I was still in the interview room, confirming the baby is mine, and he’s on Oahu at the neonatal unit.”
“ About that. What are we going to do about that?”
“ That? You mean the baby. My baby.” He felt his neck getting hot. He knew it was unreasonable, but he didn’t like her tone.
“ Anchara’s baby, that you knew nothing about, and as far as I’m concerned, have no responsibility for.” Lei’s eyes widened and she clapped a hand over her mouth as if she wished she could take back the words, but they’d been said.
“ I was wondering how you’d feel about this.”
“ Less than thrilled, to be honest.” She got up, an abrupt movement, and carried the bowl into the kitchen. He heard loud and unnecessary splashing and crashing from the kitchen sink.
He knew he should follow her, say something, offer comfort. He couldn ’t find the energy. Every time he shut his eyes, he saw Anchara, her mouth moving, her hand reaching, that belly, astonishingly large, emerging from the pool of blood she lay in. Whatever they were going through was nothing compared to her suffering, her death.
Stevens set the empty beer bottle down. He got up and went to the little wooden bar where they kept other kinds of booze for when company came over. He took out a bottle of scotch.
His alcoholic mom’s drink of choice. Maybe it held some secret cure he’d missed. He splashed four fingers into one of the glasses and downed it in two searing gulps.
Lei returned, wiping her hands on a dishtowel. She watched him as he refilled the glass. “ I’m sorry.” Her voice was low, trembling. “I didn’t mean it. It’s not the baby’s fault. You’re his father. He needs a home, and he should come to us.”
Stevens turned toward her. The alcohol had lit a fire in his belly, steadying the tremble of
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