get out of the truck.
“Right, now we’re here, we are going to talk.”
I cross my arms and huff.
“I will fuckin’ gag you, Willow, don’t fuckin’ put it past me.”
I glare at him, and then turn and stare out the window. “Talk then.”
“You fuckin’ ran off, I thought you were gonna die back there, for a split second I thought Ace wouldn’t be quick enough and honest to fuckin’ god in heaven, I thought I was gonna lose you. Do you know what that shit did to me?”
I turn to face him, narrowing my eyes.
“What?”
“It fuckin’ gutted me. All I could think, in that moment when your eyes were on me, was ‘what the fuck have I done’ I fucked up, Willow, god, I fucked up so fuckin’ bad. I nearly lost the one thing in my life that is so worth fighting for. When I saw the life bein’ strangled outta you, the only though in my head was ‘I’m gonna lose her forever and she thinks I don’t love her.’”
I swallow, suddenly feeling awful sober. “You left me.”
“I know I did, I fucked up, I thought it was the best thing…”
“It hurt me, Jagger. The past few months, have been fucking hell on me.”
“I know that too, baby.”
“And then she came after I had tried for so long, and right away you looked at her…with that gentle expression I have so needed. You cared when you watched her. Why was I not good enough to confide in? That really hurt me, Jagger.”
“Because she understands,” he says softly.
“She understands!” I cry. “Did you not hear me earlier?”
“I don’t mean that in a nasty way, fuck, just listen to me. There are things that went on…things that…I don’t want you to have to know. I don’t want you to have to look at me and see that person. I can’t confide in you, Willow, because I don’t want you to see me like that. I know you were there, I know you saw a lot of it, but you only scratched the surface.”
“How could you think it would matter to me? I care about you, I would never judge you!”
“It matters to me. I don’t want it for you. I don’t want to tarnish you with the bad that’s inside of me. I don’t want to tarnish my kids with it. You deserve better, I was trying to protect you. Can’t you see that?”
“I love you, Jagger.” I hiss. “I would go to the ends of the earth for you. Nothing you can say will take away from the fact that you pushed me, and are still pushing me away.”
“I didn’t know what I was doing. Things are getting clearer now because of Summer.”
“Thanks a fucking lot!”
He sighs, as if struggling how he might explain this. “It’s got nothing to do with you, Willow. You have to step away from this. She understands, and it’s not because she cares about me, or I care about her, it’s just that she was there and she knows. She’s got the same demons. You can’t fix everything, sometimes you have to step back and let me find my own way out of things. She will get me out of this, I can open up, I can talk without judgment!”
“I would never judge you!”
“No, that’s the problem. You would just be so god damned understanding and you shouldn’t have to be. You should hate me for what I’ve done.”
“I do, I hate you, Jagger,” I say, very overdramatically.
“No,” he whispers. “You don’t. That’s the problem. You don’t hate me. You would understand. You would listen. You would take those images into your mind and you wouldn’t look at me the same, but you would deal with it because you’re so god damned strong. You have your own demons, you shouldn’t have mine too.”
“Too late,” I rasp.
“That’s why I stepped back. I don’t expect you to understand, because I wouldn’t understand, but I’m asking you to try. Willow, she’s helping me. I…feel again. I can breathe again. I’m confronting what happened and I am learning to deal with it. You have to let me. If you want me back, then you have to let me do this.”
“I don’t want you back,” I
“Right, now we’re here, we are going to talk.”
I cross my arms and huff.
“I will fuckin’ gag you, Willow, don’t fuckin’ put it past me.”
I glare at him, and then turn and stare out the window. “Talk then.”
“You fuckin’ ran off, I thought you were gonna die back there, for a split second I thought Ace wouldn’t be quick enough and honest to fuckin’ god in heaven, I thought I was gonna lose you. Do you know what that shit did to me?”
I turn to face him, narrowing my eyes.
“What?”
“It fuckin’ gutted me. All I could think, in that moment when your eyes were on me, was ‘what the fuck have I done’ I fucked up, Willow, god, I fucked up so fuckin’ bad. I nearly lost the one thing in my life that is so worth fighting for. When I saw the life bein’ strangled outta you, the only though in my head was ‘I’m gonna lose her forever and she thinks I don’t love her.’”
I swallow, suddenly feeling awful sober. “You left me.”
“I know I did, I fucked up, I thought it was the best thing…”
“It hurt me, Jagger. The past few months, have been fucking hell on me.”
“I know that too, baby.”
“And then she came after I had tried for so long, and right away you looked at her…with that gentle expression I have so needed. You cared when you watched her. Why was I not good enough to confide in? That really hurt me, Jagger.”
“Because she understands,” he says softly.
“She understands!” I cry. “Did you not hear me earlier?”
“I don’t mean that in a nasty way, fuck, just listen to me. There are things that went on…things that…I don’t want you to have to know. I don’t want you to have to look at me and see that person. I can’t confide in you, Willow, because I don’t want you to see me like that. I know you were there, I know you saw a lot of it, but you only scratched the surface.”
“How could you think it would matter to me? I care about you, I would never judge you!”
“It matters to me. I don’t want it for you. I don’t want to tarnish you with the bad that’s inside of me. I don’t want to tarnish my kids with it. You deserve better, I was trying to protect you. Can’t you see that?”
“I love you, Jagger.” I hiss. “I would go to the ends of the earth for you. Nothing you can say will take away from the fact that you pushed me, and are still pushing me away.”
“I didn’t know what I was doing. Things are getting clearer now because of Summer.”
“Thanks a fucking lot!”
He sighs, as if struggling how he might explain this. “It’s got nothing to do with you, Willow. You have to step away from this. She understands, and it’s not because she cares about me, or I care about her, it’s just that she was there and she knows. She’s got the same demons. You can’t fix everything, sometimes you have to step back and let me find my own way out of things. She will get me out of this, I can open up, I can talk without judgment!”
“I would never judge you!”
“No, that’s the problem. You would just be so god damned understanding and you shouldn’t have to be. You should hate me for what I’ve done.”
“I do, I hate you, Jagger,” I say, very overdramatically.
“No,” he whispers. “You don’t. That’s the problem. You don’t hate me. You would understand. You would listen. You would take those images into your mind and you wouldn’t look at me the same, but you would deal with it because you’re so god damned strong. You have your own demons, you shouldn’t have mine too.”
“Too late,” I rasp.
“That’s why I stepped back. I don’t expect you to understand, because I wouldn’t understand, but I’m asking you to try. Willow, she’s helping me. I…feel again. I can breathe again. I’m confronting what happened and I am learning to deal with it. You have to let me. If you want me back, then you have to let me do this.”
“I don’t want you back,” I
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