water with unfocused eyes. “About the time we realized we"d left our
relationship in the dust, my daughter came along rather unexpectedly, and we just
weren"t in a place where our relationship could handle adding another baby to the
mix.” I exhaled. It still killed me to think about how Michael and I had buckled, and
sometimes I still wondered if we might have made it had we been more patient,
more mature. I swallowed. “So we split.”
“How long have you been divorced?” he asked.
“Seven years. You?”
“Five.” He exhaled sharply. “Man, sometimes it"s hard to believe it"s been that
long.”
Damaged Goods
55
“Tell me about it. Think you"ll ever get married again?”
“Maybe. Just like with having kids. Depends on if I ever meet a woman who"s
willing to look past what I am.” He looked at me. “What about you?”
“Same. Haven"t had much luck yet, so color me a bit pessimistic.”
“I suppose that can be complicated,” he said. “From a guy"s perspective, going
from a bachelor to a stepfather is…intimidating.”
“I know.” I sighed. “The thing is, I"m not looking for a father for my kids. They
have a father, and I"m not out to replace him. Of course whoever I"d marry would
still be a father figure to them to a degree, but half the guys I date seem to think
I"m looking for someone to completely fill Michael"s role.”
“Your kids have a good relationship with their dad, then?”
“Oh, yes,” I said. “Michael"s a wonderful father. We just sucked at being
married to each other.”
“I know that feeling,” Sabian said softly. “My ex would have been an awesome
mom. We just screwed up our marriage before we got that far.” He laughed quietly,
and I couldn"t tell if he sounded sad or bitter. “Guess it"s a good thing we did. I can"t
imagine having kids in the middle of it.”
“Nasty divorce?”
He nodded. “Very. God, that was hell. I couldn"t believe we"d let ourselves get
to that point.”
“Yeah, I understand that.”
“I didn"t go into my marriage lightly,” he said, “and I felt like a failure when
we didn"t last.”
“I know the feeling.”
We both fell silent again.
“Out of curiosity…” I chewed my lip, still wondering how personal was too
personal. Finally, figuring he could opt not to answer, I said, “When you do date, do
you tell women up front? About your job?”
“I don"t necessarily tell her within five minutes of meeting her,” he said. “But I
definitely tell her before I sleep with her.” He said nothing for a moment. “I could
never lie to a woman about this. If she trusts me enough for a long-term
relationship, then she deserves the truth. And even if it"s just a short-term thing, I
owe it to any woman I sleep with.” He paused. “I mean, I"m clean. Every one of us
gets tested constantly for everything under the sun, and we always take
precautions. But still, she has a right to know.”
“Have you ever thought about giving it up?”
“I"ve thought about it,” he said, almost whispering. “But regardless of what
people think about what I do, I still have to eat. Some of the guys moonlight. They
have other jobs, so they can take this job or leave it. I don"t make nearly enough
money with my other job to pay the bills.”
“I suppose that would make things tricky with a relationship, then.”
56
Lauren Gallagher
“Yeah. And really, it wouldn"t make much of a difference if I quit.”
“How do you mean?”
“Think of it this way,” he said. “You"ll always be a mother. Even when your
kids are grown and gone with families of their own, you"ll always be a mother.” He
met my eyes. “And to most people, I will always have been a prostitute. Even if I
quit tonight and never took another cent for sex again, it"ll always be there in my
past.” He shifted his gaze away, and when he spoke again, some of the earlier
bitterness seeped back into his tone. “I will always be, in a lot of
relationship in the dust, my daughter came along rather unexpectedly, and we just
weren"t in a place where our relationship could handle adding another baby to the
mix.” I exhaled. It still killed me to think about how Michael and I had buckled, and
sometimes I still wondered if we might have made it had we been more patient,
more mature. I swallowed. “So we split.”
“How long have you been divorced?” he asked.
“Seven years. You?”
“Five.” He exhaled sharply. “Man, sometimes it"s hard to believe it"s been that
long.”
Damaged Goods
55
“Tell me about it. Think you"ll ever get married again?”
“Maybe. Just like with having kids. Depends on if I ever meet a woman who"s
willing to look past what I am.” He looked at me. “What about you?”
“Same. Haven"t had much luck yet, so color me a bit pessimistic.”
“I suppose that can be complicated,” he said. “From a guy"s perspective, going
from a bachelor to a stepfather is…intimidating.”
“I know.” I sighed. “The thing is, I"m not looking for a father for my kids. They
have a father, and I"m not out to replace him. Of course whoever I"d marry would
still be a father figure to them to a degree, but half the guys I date seem to think
I"m looking for someone to completely fill Michael"s role.”
“Your kids have a good relationship with their dad, then?”
“Oh, yes,” I said. “Michael"s a wonderful father. We just sucked at being
married to each other.”
“I know that feeling,” Sabian said softly. “My ex would have been an awesome
mom. We just screwed up our marriage before we got that far.” He laughed quietly,
and I couldn"t tell if he sounded sad or bitter. “Guess it"s a good thing we did. I can"t
imagine having kids in the middle of it.”
“Nasty divorce?”
He nodded. “Very. God, that was hell. I couldn"t believe we"d let ourselves get
to that point.”
“Yeah, I understand that.”
“I didn"t go into my marriage lightly,” he said, “and I felt like a failure when
we didn"t last.”
“I know the feeling.”
We both fell silent again.
“Out of curiosity…” I chewed my lip, still wondering how personal was too
personal. Finally, figuring he could opt not to answer, I said, “When you do date, do
you tell women up front? About your job?”
“I don"t necessarily tell her within five minutes of meeting her,” he said. “But I
definitely tell her before I sleep with her.” He said nothing for a moment. “I could
never lie to a woman about this. If she trusts me enough for a long-term
relationship, then she deserves the truth. And even if it"s just a short-term thing, I
owe it to any woman I sleep with.” He paused. “I mean, I"m clean. Every one of us
gets tested constantly for everything under the sun, and we always take
precautions. But still, she has a right to know.”
“Have you ever thought about giving it up?”
“I"ve thought about it,” he said, almost whispering. “But regardless of what
people think about what I do, I still have to eat. Some of the guys moonlight. They
have other jobs, so they can take this job or leave it. I don"t make nearly enough
money with my other job to pay the bills.”
“I suppose that would make things tricky with a relationship, then.”
56
Lauren Gallagher
“Yeah. And really, it wouldn"t make much of a difference if I quit.”
“How do you mean?”
“Think of it this way,” he said. “You"ll always be a mother. Even when your
kids are grown and gone with families of their own, you"ll always be a mother.” He
met my eyes. “And to most people, I will always have been a prostitute. Even if I
quit tonight and never took another cent for sex again, it"ll always be there in my
past.” He shifted his gaze away, and when he spoke again, some of the earlier
bitterness seeped back into his tone. “I will always be, in a lot of
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