to say thanks. That’s not what we have.”
“And you know that?” he asked, something dark and powerful driving him now. Something that tasted a lot like fear. “You know that because you’ve been with one other guy and had a long-term relationship? Wake up, baby, this is a game for grown-ups. And I thought you knew the rules.”
“What? GTFO when you say and not a moment sooner? Hold you and make sure you aren’t alone when you beg me to, but then don’t get all needy?”
“Don’t bring that up. Don’t use it like that.”
“Why? Because you get to conveniently ignore that it happened and then act like I’m overstepping? No. No no no.” She started collecting her clothes. “I don’t know what your problem is.”
“This isn’t what I do,” he said, his heart raging. “I don’t do fights and feelings and responsibility to another person.”
“Too bad. I have feelings. I have feelings for you and I’m all up in your bedroom, so they’re your problem.”
“I didn’t sign on for this.”
“You did! You walked into my office so confident you were going to have another night with me. You took a job so you could be with me. You signed on. So don’t give me your shit now that you’re all scared.”
Her breasts were rising and falling with her breath, her eyes bright and fierce. He’d never seen a more beautiful, terrifying thing in his life. She was going to ask things of him. Big things. He could feel it. And he knew he would let her down. Shit, he hated that he would let her down.
“Sure, that’s it,” he said, using every bit of nerve he had to turn and face her, stark naked, his mask firmly in place. He knew this mask. His Caleb mask. “It’s that I’m scared, baby, not that I’m just not that into you.”
“Fuck off,” she said, tugging her clothes on, a tear spilling down her cheek.
Dammit. This was that open emotion of hers. Didn’t she know what she was giving away? Exposed like this. Why was she doing it? Why could she do it?
Why the hell was he too afraid to do it?
“Nah, I think I’m done with the fucking, why don’t you get out.”
He watched her expression change, the color leeching from her face, like the blood had drained from her body. The funny thing was, he felt it in his chest, right where her hair had been, a slash of red over his heart. He felt it all bleed from him, as he saw it injuring her.
And he hated himself. But that was nothing new.
“Fine. Great. I’m out. Enjoy the tuna, asshole, it’s still sitting in the basket in the living room. And I bet the ice pack didn’t hold all night. Oh, and I finished the app, so I’ll just send it all on to Flirt and you can never darken my door again. If you left any crap at your cubicle it will be on the street waiting for you, or stolen and sold on Craigslist by the time you get there. It doesn’t really matter to me.” She held up both hands, middle fingers high, then turned and started to walk away, then stopped. “You know what’s stupid, Caleb? I just figured it out.”
“What?” he asked, feeling like his body was slowly turning to stone, his head, his face, too heavy for his neck.
“The feelings. I knew I had feelings for you, but I wasn’t sure what they were. But now…with all these feelings you’ve just given me with your complete dismissal of me, I know. I love you. I hope I don’t for much longer.” She stormed out of the room and slammed the door behind her. And he listened until he heard the front door slam behind her.
And he just stood, rigid, heavy. A statue. He wanted to crumble. To give in to the unbearable pressure that was threatening to break him apart. But he couldn’t. He just felt like his heart had turned into a hard lump of granite that was going to crack off the veins holding it in place and plummet through his chest cavity, blowing out all his other organs on the way down.
Which would be fine, really. Because it might mean a swifter death.
Which would just be
“And you know that?” he asked, something dark and powerful driving him now. Something that tasted a lot like fear. “You know that because you’ve been with one other guy and had a long-term relationship? Wake up, baby, this is a game for grown-ups. And I thought you knew the rules.”
“What? GTFO when you say and not a moment sooner? Hold you and make sure you aren’t alone when you beg me to, but then don’t get all needy?”
“Don’t bring that up. Don’t use it like that.”
“Why? Because you get to conveniently ignore that it happened and then act like I’m overstepping? No. No no no.” She started collecting her clothes. “I don’t know what your problem is.”
“This isn’t what I do,” he said, his heart raging. “I don’t do fights and feelings and responsibility to another person.”
“Too bad. I have feelings. I have feelings for you and I’m all up in your bedroom, so they’re your problem.”
“I didn’t sign on for this.”
“You did! You walked into my office so confident you were going to have another night with me. You took a job so you could be with me. You signed on. So don’t give me your shit now that you’re all scared.”
Her breasts were rising and falling with her breath, her eyes bright and fierce. He’d never seen a more beautiful, terrifying thing in his life. She was going to ask things of him. Big things. He could feel it. And he knew he would let her down. Shit, he hated that he would let her down.
“Sure, that’s it,” he said, using every bit of nerve he had to turn and face her, stark naked, his mask firmly in place. He knew this mask. His Caleb mask. “It’s that I’m scared, baby, not that I’m just not that into you.”
“Fuck off,” she said, tugging her clothes on, a tear spilling down her cheek.
Dammit. This was that open emotion of hers. Didn’t she know what she was giving away? Exposed like this. Why was she doing it? Why could she do it?
Why the hell was he too afraid to do it?
“Nah, I think I’m done with the fucking, why don’t you get out.”
He watched her expression change, the color leeching from her face, like the blood had drained from her body. The funny thing was, he felt it in his chest, right where her hair had been, a slash of red over his heart. He felt it all bleed from him, as he saw it injuring her.
And he hated himself. But that was nothing new.
“Fine. Great. I’m out. Enjoy the tuna, asshole, it’s still sitting in the basket in the living room. And I bet the ice pack didn’t hold all night. Oh, and I finished the app, so I’ll just send it all on to Flirt and you can never darken my door again. If you left any crap at your cubicle it will be on the street waiting for you, or stolen and sold on Craigslist by the time you get there. It doesn’t really matter to me.” She held up both hands, middle fingers high, then turned and started to walk away, then stopped. “You know what’s stupid, Caleb? I just figured it out.”
“What?” he asked, feeling like his body was slowly turning to stone, his head, his face, too heavy for his neck.
“The feelings. I knew I had feelings for you, but I wasn’t sure what they were. But now…with all these feelings you’ve just given me with your complete dismissal of me, I know. I love you. I hope I don’t for much longer.” She stormed out of the room and slammed the door behind her. And he listened until he heard the front door slam behind her.
And he just stood, rigid, heavy. A statue. He wanted to crumble. To give in to the unbearable pressure that was threatening to break him apart. But he couldn’t. He just felt like his heart had turned into a hard lump of granite that was going to crack off the veins holding it in place and plummet through his chest cavity, blowing out all his other organs on the way down.
Which would be fine, really. Because it might mean a swifter death.
Which would just be
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