Conscious Decisions of the Heart by John Wiltshire Page A

you out. On a date . Our first, if I remember rightly.”
     
    Ben’s whole face lifted in surprise. “Fuck me.”
     
    Nikolas shook his head despairingly. “You’re very hard work sometimes, Benjamin.”
     

CHAPTER TEN
     
    Ben reckoned he shouldn’t be anxious on a first date with someone he knew literally as well from the inside as he knew from the outside. But, somehow, knowing Nikolas as well as he did only made it seemed odder now to be deliberately going out with him, as opposed to all the going out they’d done without thinking too much about it. It made his head ache. And then there was the dilemma of what to wear; which was such a girly thing to think about that he tried to pretend he wasn’t thinking about it, but with Radulf watching him pulling things out of bags and throwing them on the bed, it was hard to keep up any pretence of being macho; which was peculiar, considering Radulf was usually present for the times when Ben was more obviously taking a feminine role in life and not at all worried about how that activity affected his masculine credentials. But Radulf had always proved very discreet in his observations about Ben’s sex life, so he trusted the dog not to comment to anyone on his sartorial dilemmas either.
     
    A suit was way too formal, jeans too casual. But what lay in between? He remembered some of the clothes Nikolas had bought for him in London, just before their fateful meeting with Gregory, and he rummaged in his bags for them. Everything was still in its packaging. He pulled some out and found black wool trousers and a grey, button-down shirt, neither of which appeared too creased. He tried them on. He’d lost weight since London, living on a diet of mainly fish, and everything fit with a delightful looseness that left room for lots of eating. He eyed his jackets and decided on his new leather one. He held it up for Radulf to see, just to remind him why he’d had to buy a new one.
     
    After all these decisions, he now had to think about his hair and a shave—or not. Nikolas, he knew, had become slightly obsessed with his long hair. He claimed to hate it, but in bed, and at other times, he frequently ran his fingers through it, played with it, twisted it around absentmindedly. The stubble he also purported to dislike but didn’t seem adverse to when they were kissing—when kissing, Nikolas clearly couldn’t get enough of it. Ben smirked at his reflection; he was good to go.
     
    Nikolas appeared to think so as well. Ben suspected it hadn’t taken Nikolas hours to decide what he was wearing. He’d opted to dress all in black; black suit and black shirt with no tie, and his long overcoat. Nikolas moved in circles very different to Ben’s and always seemed effortlessly elegant. Tonight, though, with his still sun-bleached blond hair and deep tan, he appeared very different to the Sir Nikolas Mikkelsen Ben had first met. He gave Ben a quick glance, quirked his lip but didn’t comment. Ben checked the guard was in front of the fire, filled Radulf’s water bowl and put the television on for him. Nikolas was standing impatiently, tossing the keys from one hand to the other, glancing at his watch. “Don’t get too fond of that dog, Ben. He goes back soon.”
     
    Ben and Radulf both gave him identical looks, and he was still chuckling at this as he climbed into the driver’s seat. Ben followed him out and frowned. “Hey, I’m driving.”
     
    “It’s snowing, I’m driving.”
     
    “Yeah, exactly, it’s snowing. I want to drive.”
     
    “Get in, Benjamin and stop arguing.”
     
    “It’s my car!”
     
    “Paid for with my money.”
     
    “Aha! No! I paid for it with my money. I’m driving.”
     
    Nikolas climbed out, dropped the keys into Ben’s hand and got into the passenger seat. Ben slid in behind the wheel. “Did I just win an argument with you?”
     
    Nikolas glanced over and frowned. “You have a very warped view of our relationship. For five years