inside him.
Ase really hadn’t fallen in love or had some fairy tale notion of that night. It’d been a hook-up, an experiment for a straight boy and a farewell to Germany fling for Ase, as he’d told Dustin. But he’d let himself go for it, let himself be naked to Jase because something in those green eyes had been what Ase had needed then and there as he questioned his life. Jase had represented a hope, a wonder if he could love and give himself. He’d thought, as they rode down in that elevator, that maybe he could fearlessly love someone. Not necessarily Jase, but someone. Giving in, not fighting against everything for one weekend; being gay and free and wild with abandon had been nice. And he’d seen the same thing in Jase when he’d let go of his inhibition.
But he’d had that taken from him. He’d faced the ultimate consequences. Made the worst choices. He felt like he’d been fighting even harder since then. Fighting to survive, fighting to stay in school, fighting to take care of the mess he’d made while hating himself.
Damn, he was tired of fighting, and when he’d seen Jase, he felt that familiar freedom, like being tempted by an illicit drug, only to be told you couldn’t have it.
“Get yourself together, man. Goddamn.” He shook his head and laughed mirthlessly at himself. And now he was losing his mind.
He thought back on the words Dustin said before he’d left the night before, while dressing and putting on his sneakers.
“You know, he may be at the re-election event Saturday.”
“Who?” Ase was so fucked out, he’d honestly forgotten his name, much less what they’d talked about before they’d moved to the bedroom.
“That deputy. Most of them will be there. Unless he’s working, that is. Otherwise, he’ll probably show up. You could at least…” Dustin shrugged and studied Ase in that way that stripped Ase bare, made him glad this was the last time they’d do this. “Get some closure.”
“I got all the closure I need.”
Dustin smirked. “You keep telling yourself that, Doc.”
He’d never admit to the little bastard he was right. Ase had been around enough of them while working in hospitals to know any psychiatrist in the world would tell him he’d probably come to this godforsaken corner of the world to get closure with Jase Emery, to find absolution from all the bullshit he’d done since he’d last seen the man. Jase had been the last dream he’d had, or the last inkling of real hope, a final bright spot that he’d felt as a North Star. Maybe closure would help him sort himself out. Maybe it’d close that whole sordid fucking chapter of his life to get the goodbye he’d never gotten. One less thing just ripped from his hands and taken from his control.
Chapter 10
“WELL don’t you look handsome, deputy.” Jase looked over the hood of his truck at Lacey, who approached from her car, three spots down from him in the gravel lot.
“I could say the same for you, ma’am,” he replied.
“I hope I’m more pretty than handsome. Lord knows my daddy calls me his second son enough; I’m starting to think I may have grown a dick.” And wouldn’t that suit us both just fine. Jase smiled at the thought. She did look pretty, though, in a white sundress covered with bright, red poppies. They set off her tanned skin just the right way. Her hair was obviously straightened, pulled into a half-bun-half-ponytail thing Jase was sure had a better name than he could come up with.
She straightened his hokey bolo tie when she reached him. “Your first time in the local version of dress blues?”
“I wouldn’t slander
Ase really hadn’t fallen in love or had some fairy tale notion of that night. It’d been a hook-up, an experiment for a straight boy and a farewell to Germany fling for Ase, as he’d told Dustin. But he’d let himself go for it, let himself be naked to Jase because something in those green eyes had been what Ase had needed then and there as he questioned his life. Jase had represented a hope, a wonder if he could love and give himself. He’d thought, as they rode down in that elevator, that maybe he could fearlessly love someone. Not necessarily Jase, but someone. Giving in, not fighting against everything for one weekend; being gay and free and wild with abandon had been nice. And he’d seen the same thing in Jase when he’d let go of his inhibition.
But he’d had that taken from him. He’d faced the ultimate consequences. Made the worst choices. He felt like he’d been fighting even harder since then. Fighting to survive, fighting to stay in school, fighting to take care of the mess he’d made while hating himself.
Damn, he was tired of fighting, and when he’d seen Jase, he felt that familiar freedom, like being tempted by an illicit drug, only to be told you couldn’t have it.
“Get yourself together, man. Goddamn.” He shook his head and laughed mirthlessly at himself. And now he was losing his mind.
He thought back on the words Dustin said before he’d left the night before, while dressing and putting on his sneakers.
“You know, he may be at the re-election event Saturday.”
“Who?” Ase was so fucked out, he’d honestly forgotten his name, much less what they’d talked about before they’d moved to the bedroom.
“That deputy. Most of them will be there. Unless he’s working, that is. Otherwise, he’ll probably show up. You could at least…” Dustin shrugged and studied Ase in that way that stripped Ase bare, made him glad this was the last time they’d do this. “Get some closure.”
“I got all the closure I need.”
Dustin smirked. “You keep telling yourself that, Doc.”
He’d never admit to the little bastard he was right. Ase had been around enough of them while working in hospitals to know any psychiatrist in the world would tell him he’d probably come to this godforsaken corner of the world to get closure with Jase Emery, to find absolution from all the bullshit he’d done since he’d last seen the man. Jase had been the last dream he’d had, or the last inkling of real hope, a final bright spot that he’d felt as a North Star. Maybe closure would help him sort himself out. Maybe it’d close that whole sordid fucking chapter of his life to get the goodbye he’d never gotten. One less thing just ripped from his hands and taken from his control.
Chapter 10
“WELL don’t you look handsome, deputy.” Jase looked over the hood of his truck at Lacey, who approached from her car, three spots down from him in the gravel lot.
“I could say the same for you, ma’am,” he replied.
“I hope I’m more pretty than handsome. Lord knows my daddy calls me his second son enough; I’m starting to think I may have grown a dick.” And wouldn’t that suit us both just fine. Jase smiled at the thought. She did look pretty, though, in a white sundress covered with bright, red poppies. They set off her tanned skin just the right way. Her hair was obviously straightened, pulled into a half-bun-half-ponytail thing Jase was sure had a better name than he could come up with.
She straightened his hokey bolo tie when she reached him. “Your first time in the local version of dress blues?”
“I wouldn’t slander
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