Yes, I was getting pretty close to doing the deed with the hospital hunk. If I could just clear up the matter of him and Iceberg first, get him to confirm that it was all a sick rumour, then it would make the occasion so much more fun.
I turned to Tristan. He was nibbling at his thumbnail, his eyes wide.
I reached for his notes. ‘Please, don’t look so worried. By morning we’ll have you all sorted. You’ll probably even be able to go home, as long as there is someone to keep an eye on you.’
‘I think Nadia, my wife, will go and stay with her sister for a while after this. She said something about that on the way here.’
‘Does she live nearby, the sister?’
‘Hull, not too far.’
I jotted this down in his notes. It was too far. He’d have to stay in longer if he was going home alone. ‘And do you work?’
‘Yep for myself. I’m a farmer.’
‘And Nadia is your next of kin?’
‘Yes, I guess so.’
‘Any kids?’
‘No chance.’
I raised my eyebrows, surprised at the vehement tone in his voice.
He sighed. ‘That’s how all of this started.’
‘All of this …?’
‘Shoving things up my bum. Yeah, that’s why it started. Nadia decided she didn’t want to have sex any more after she accused me, wrongly, of carrying on with another woman nearly a year ago. Damn long time for a man to go without any … you-know-what.’
‘Yes, absolutely.’ Blimey, nearly a year. That’s got to be hard on anyone, but for a nice-looking young farmer in the prime of his life? Not fun and quite likely to push him into an affair if he wasn’t having one before.
‘Thing is,’ he said. ‘When the bloody hell would I have time for another woman? I work all the daylight hours God gives me, seven days a week. Hardly conducive to shagging around. But she wouldn’t let up, kept on and on about the girl at the tractor shop until she’d created this wild, passionate romance in her head. It was just a figment of her imagination. No grounding or truth to it at all.’
‘But you must have told her that. Reassured her?’
‘Yes, course I did. Over and over. But she wouldn’t believe me. In the end I think it must have sent me mad or something.’ He sighed. ‘I keep telling her that I work all day, every day, for her. To buy her nice things, keep a roof over our heads and make a home for the kids we hope to have one day. But will she listen, no. Fat chance.’
‘So how did this, er, problem start?’
He was quiet for a moment, then, ‘Don’t think I’m not embarrassed about this, because I am. And telling you, a young woman, about my stupidity, is humiliating. Not something I’d planned, ever.’
‘Don’t be embarrassed on my behalf, Tristan. I’ve seen everything over the years working here.’ This was a first. But I wouldn’t tell him that.
‘I’m sure you have.’
‘So tell me,’ I said, drawing up the chair his wife had used. ‘Right from the beginning. I really need you to be specific, for the notes.’
He sighed. ‘OK then. After all this affair fuss Nadia took to going to the new gym in Skipton. Suited me fine. Then one day, about two years ago, I’d popped back to the house to make a sandwich for lunch and the doorbell went, it was one of those City Link vans, the collies were going nuts. Anyway, the guy handed me the box so I signed his little screen thing, and he went away. I wasn’t expecting anything, so I was intrigued.’
‘What was it?’
‘It was a prize, some competition I didn’t even know I’d entered. Maybe I hadn’t and it was just a random thing. Whatever it was it was free and it changed my life.’
I raised my eyebrows. ‘Oh?’
‘Sounds crazy,’ he lowered his voice, ‘but it was a box of sex toys. There were blindfolds, handcuffs, pink feathery ticklers and a spanking paddle. Vibrators too, with lube that tasted of strawberry.’
I suppressed a giggle. ‘So what did you do with it?’
‘Well, I just shoved it in the tool shed to start
I turned to Tristan. He was nibbling at his thumbnail, his eyes wide.
I reached for his notes. ‘Please, don’t look so worried. By morning we’ll have you all sorted. You’ll probably even be able to go home, as long as there is someone to keep an eye on you.’
‘I think Nadia, my wife, will go and stay with her sister for a while after this. She said something about that on the way here.’
‘Does she live nearby, the sister?’
‘Hull, not too far.’
I jotted this down in his notes. It was too far. He’d have to stay in longer if he was going home alone. ‘And do you work?’
‘Yep for myself. I’m a farmer.’
‘And Nadia is your next of kin?’
‘Yes, I guess so.’
‘Any kids?’
‘No chance.’
I raised my eyebrows, surprised at the vehement tone in his voice.
He sighed. ‘That’s how all of this started.’
‘All of this …?’
‘Shoving things up my bum. Yeah, that’s why it started. Nadia decided she didn’t want to have sex any more after she accused me, wrongly, of carrying on with another woman nearly a year ago. Damn long time for a man to go without any … you-know-what.’
‘Yes, absolutely.’ Blimey, nearly a year. That’s got to be hard on anyone, but for a nice-looking young farmer in the prime of his life? Not fun and quite likely to push him into an affair if he wasn’t having one before.
‘Thing is,’ he said. ‘When the bloody hell would I have time for another woman? I work all the daylight hours God gives me, seven days a week. Hardly conducive to shagging around. But she wouldn’t let up, kept on and on about the girl at the tractor shop until she’d created this wild, passionate romance in her head. It was just a figment of her imagination. No grounding or truth to it at all.’
‘But you must have told her that. Reassured her?’
‘Yes, course I did. Over and over. But she wouldn’t believe me. In the end I think it must have sent me mad or something.’ He sighed. ‘I keep telling her that I work all day, every day, for her. To buy her nice things, keep a roof over our heads and make a home for the kids we hope to have one day. But will she listen, no. Fat chance.’
‘So how did this, er, problem start?’
He was quiet for a moment, then, ‘Don’t think I’m not embarrassed about this, because I am. And telling you, a young woman, about my stupidity, is humiliating. Not something I’d planned, ever.’
‘Don’t be embarrassed on my behalf, Tristan. I’ve seen everything over the years working here.’ This was a first. But I wouldn’t tell him that.
‘I’m sure you have.’
‘So tell me,’ I said, drawing up the chair his wife had used. ‘Right from the beginning. I really need you to be specific, for the notes.’
He sighed. ‘OK then. After all this affair fuss Nadia took to going to the new gym in Skipton. Suited me fine. Then one day, about two years ago, I’d popped back to the house to make a sandwich for lunch and the doorbell went, it was one of those City Link vans, the collies were going nuts. Anyway, the guy handed me the box so I signed his little screen thing, and he went away. I wasn’t expecting anything, so I was intrigued.’
‘What was it?’
‘It was a prize, some competition I didn’t even know I’d entered. Maybe I hadn’t and it was just a random thing. Whatever it was it was free and it changed my life.’
I raised my eyebrows. ‘Oh?’
‘Sounds crazy,’ he lowered his voice, ‘but it was a box of sex toys. There were blindfolds, handcuffs, pink feathery ticklers and a spanking paddle. Vibrators too, with lube that tasted of strawberry.’
I suppressed a giggle. ‘So what did you do with it?’
‘Well, I just shoved it in the tool shed to start
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