Confessions of a Backup Dancer by Tucker Shaw Page A

britney, and all the rest, don’t even THINK that you’ll ever be added to that list.”
    she stepped closer. I was totally cornered and near panic.
    I just looked at her as blankly as I could even though I was terrified on the inside. “I know all of you teen girls have dreams of making it big. maybe they even told you back in, where was it, santa cruz? santa barbara? wherever, maybe they even told you that you had what it takes to make it big. everyone says things like that to make girls like you, regular girls with regular hair and regular bodies, feel better.”
    â€œactually come to think of it, it was probably good for them to have to lift you today. next to lifting you, lifting darcy will be a breeze for them.”
    OUCH, I thought. this is only going to get worse. I stared at the floor, unable to stop blinking.
    â€œbut I digress, you see, K.K., stardom doesn’t happen for girls like you, ever. it only happens for girls like darcy, girls who are not regular. girls who are special, you, K.K., are a support player. backup, your only purpose here is to make darcy look good, that means getting the moves down and not screwing up. it does NOT mean standing out. after all, we can’t all be darcy barnes, now, can we? it would be silly to spend your whole life dreaming about being a star. because for you, that’s impossible. have I made myself clear?”
    I just stared at her mouth. I started blinking really fast so I wouldn’t cry. I refused to let her make me cry. she actually reached out to grab my chin and pull my face up but I jerked away. “let me say again, JJ., I mean K.K., that we’re all just thrilled to have you here.”
    thanks I mumbled. just then that Pekinese stuck its head up out of her purse and sneezed. I’m sorry, I like animals and all, but ick.
    I wanted to bop it on the head. I didn’t. I just concentrated on breathing, slowly, deeply, carefully.
    Darla went on. “and just so you know, I won’t be telling darcy about this little chat or the incident this afternoon …” again with the mumbling: thanks, and then she goes, “remember, I’ll be watching from behind the glass, cheering you guys on throughout all your rehearsals.” with that she turned and left. I closed the door of the bathroom, turned to the mirror, and stared at myself for about an eighth of a second before bursting into big sloppy gaspy blubbery snotty really wet sobs.
    I cried for a while before I realized that for all I knew darla was watching me from behind THAT mirror too.
    I wanted out, out of everything, but only for a minute, when I thought about evan, when I thought about the money, I changed my mind. I need to nail this gig. I want every penny owed to me. this could be evan’s ticket out. not to mention my own.
    MONDAY JUNE 10
    D-ZONE, 11 PM

    Rashid just left. he came up to my room a little while ago to see how I was doing. I guess it was pretty obvious that I was upset after I came back out of the bathroom. maybe it was the fact that I was beet red … not just my skin but my eyes and he totally figured out why.
    at first when he knocked I was kind of thinking, um, leave me alone you totally ruined my day by having me sub in for darcy when you knew that darla was watching. but then I decided to let him in because it wasn’t fair to blame him. we were just practicing, right? I’d even forgotten that darla would be watching.
    he said to me, “look, it’s cool. darla can be tough. I know I put you in a rough spot. I apologize, and believe me I won’t do that again. but you’re really good, girl. you’ve got IT, like I said. I saw in your face today that you, what do you call it, got THERE while you were dancing. you are the real thing, Kel.” I love it when he calls me that. No one else on the tour ever does. He’s the only person who sees me.
    Then he told me that sometimes I need to keep my realness to