12
--------------------------
The late afternoon sun hugged the fading sky above the buildings across
from Daniel’s office. I clung to the safety of the full-length window. Daniel
sat in a chair silently behind me waiting for me to be ready to sit and face
him. To face this new challenge that was supposed to give me a new life. I
hoped he was a patient man. I pictured him, in my mind’s eye, watching me as he
had that night in the parking lot. Had this much care and concern been given to
all his patients? I couldn’t help but hope that wasn’t the case.
I closed my eyes, taking in the last hint of warmth
radiating off the glass. I’d kept him waiting long enough, but my feet were
cemented in place. Talking to him at the bar last week under the veil of
darkness was one thing; face to face in the light of day was altogether
something else. My main fear was that I didn’t want to lie to him. Obviously I
had agreed not to lie, but in my heart, I didn’t want to lie to him.
After almost ten minutes, my voice gritted out a few
quiet words. “I’m sorry…I’m just…”
A scraping sound behind me penetrated the room. I
twisted my upper half to glance back. Daniel’s able arms encircled the top of
one of the large leather chairs, pulling it toward me. I should have been
embarrassed, but my lips curled up with instant awareness of this creative and
sweet gesture. Sure, it could have been some shrink instinct that caused him to
seek a solution to comfort me, but that didn’t change the result.
Daniel stuck his arm out, offering the empty chair to
me. It wasn’t turned directly facing the window, but placed at a diagonal so
that I had the option to look at Daniel or to the safety of the fading sky
light.
“Thank you,” I said as I sat.
“Of course. I want you to be comfortable, Gray.” He
sat back down in his chair. “Whatever you need to feel safe and at ease here.”
I nodded before saying, “I do.”
“If you’re not feeling comfortable talking yet, I can
start.”
“Okay.”
“Well, I’ve lived in the Napa area most of my life,
and I’m quite content to stay. I attended UC Davis, and I’ve been a practicing
psychologist for about nine years now.”
The only detail that registered with me was the number
of years he’s been practicing puts him at around his mid-thirties, which is
what he looked like.
“I love this area, too.”
I noticed a pencil in his hand and a pad in his lap. He
pulled the black glasses from his breast pocket and put them on. Distracting .
His hand moved to the pad, already working the pencil back and forth. So, it
begins .
My eyes flew to the window, scrambling for a diversion.
“So…how’s Jessie?”
I heard the smile in his voice. “Thank you for asking.
She’s doing pretty well under the circumstances. She’s a fighter and seems more
mature these days thanks to a new friendship. How is Alyssa?”
“Fine, I suppose. I’m not her mother.” I focused on a
set of birds perched on a tall oak tree. One took off in flight as the breeze
blew the tree into a wide sway. Its wings stayed open floating along with
ridges of the wind. Free. What must that feel like?
“I’m sorry. Did my question imply that I thought you
were?”
“No.” Since when are shrinks supposed to be smart
asses?
“Are you upset with Alyssa for some reason? Better
yet, can you tell me more about your relationship with her?”
The rest of the birds followed. I turned to look
straight ahead, halfway between Daniel and the window. I gave him a brief
history about how I’d met Alyssa, what I knew about her, and how we’d recently
begun to get closer. Is he going to write down every damn thing I say ?
“In a sense, you’ve taken on a mothering role with
Alyssa?”
“Yeah, I guess. I suppose I’m not the best role model
for her,” I said, looking directly at him.
“Why would you say that?”
An over-exaggerated head nod and arched eyebrows were
my answer.
“Okay. Are you
--------------------------
The late afternoon sun hugged the fading sky above the buildings across
from Daniel’s office. I clung to the safety of the full-length window. Daniel
sat in a chair silently behind me waiting for me to be ready to sit and face
him. To face this new challenge that was supposed to give me a new life. I
hoped he was a patient man. I pictured him, in my mind’s eye, watching me as he
had that night in the parking lot. Had this much care and concern been given to
all his patients? I couldn’t help but hope that wasn’t the case.
I closed my eyes, taking in the last hint of warmth
radiating off the glass. I’d kept him waiting long enough, but my feet were
cemented in place. Talking to him at the bar last week under the veil of
darkness was one thing; face to face in the light of day was altogether
something else. My main fear was that I didn’t want to lie to him. Obviously I
had agreed not to lie, but in my heart, I didn’t want to lie to him.
After almost ten minutes, my voice gritted out a few
quiet words. “I’m sorry…I’m just…”
A scraping sound behind me penetrated the room. I
twisted my upper half to glance back. Daniel’s able arms encircled the top of
one of the large leather chairs, pulling it toward me. I should have been
embarrassed, but my lips curled up with instant awareness of this creative and
sweet gesture. Sure, it could have been some shrink instinct that caused him to
seek a solution to comfort me, but that didn’t change the result.
Daniel stuck his arm out, offering the empty chair to
me. It wasn’t turned directly facing the window, but placed at a diagonal so
that I had the option to look at Daniel or to the safety of the fading sky
light.
“Thank you,” I said as I sat.
“Of course. I want you to be comfortable, Gray.” He
sat back down in his chair. “Whatever you need to feel safe and at ease here.”
I nodded before saying, “I do.”
“If you’re not feeling comfortable talking yet, I can
start.”
“Okay.”
“Well, I’ve lived in the Napa area most of my life,
and I’m quite content to stay. I attended UC Davis, and I’ve been a practicing
psychologist for about nine years now.”
The only detail that registered with me was the number
of years he’s been practicing puts him at around his mid-thirties, which is
what he looked like.
“I love this area, too.”
I noticed a pencil in his hand and a pad in his lap. He
pulled the black glasses from his breast pocket and put them on. Distracting .
His hand moved to the pad, already working the pencil back and forth. So, it
begins .
My eyes flew to the window, scrambling for a diversion.
“So…how’s Jessie?”
I heard the smile in his voice. “Thank you for asking.
She’s doing pretty well under the circumstances. She’s a fighter and seems more
mature these days thanks to a new friendship. How is Alyssa?”
“Fine, I suppose. I’m not her mother.” I focused on a
set of birds perched on a tall oak tree. One took off in flight as the breeze
blew the tree into a wide sway. Its wings stayed open floating along with
ridges of the wind. Free. What must that feel like?
“I’m sorry. Did my question imply that I thought you
were?”
“No.” Since when are shrinks supposed to be smart
asses?
“Are you upset with Alyssa for some reason? Better
yet, can you tell me more about your relationship with her?”
The rest of the birds followed. I turned to look
straight ahead, halfway between Daniel and the window. I gave him a brief
history about how I’d met Alyssa, what I knew about her, and how we’d recently
begun to get closer. Is he going to write down every damn thing I say ?
“In a sense, you’ve taken on a mothering role with
Alyssa?”
“Yeah, I guess. I suppose I’m not the best role model
for her,” I said, looking directly at him.
“Why would you say that?”
An over-exaggerated head nod and arched eyebrows were
my answer.
“Okay. Are you
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